yeah most of my stories are like that where the title states what’s missing.
Flash Fiction / Can You See Me (Analysis)
I came closer to a dark alley that day; I tried to strain my eyes when I looked at the other end towards the other street. But as soon as my footstep started my journey, a child screams at the top of his lungs, “A mysterious figure resides in that alley and if anybody comes near, he asks them a question and if that person refuses to answer him, he will pursue them until they give him an answer.”
I looked at the boy with a puzzled look, but as soon as I could ask him what the question was he runs off. I turned my head back in the direction of the alleyway and I looked past towards the other street. Then I noticed something moving within the alley. Without fear I started with my first step, it was false as it landed in a muddy puddle ruining my new shoes and part of my pants. I continued on, but as soon as I entered the shadows my eyes started to adjust to the lack of light. My eyes started to focus and there was that figure in front of me, the smell of his clothes started to sting my nose. My eyes tried to search for his face hidden within his own shadow. I started to walk around him when he started to ask his question, I gave no answer to him as I walked towards the other street, and then he started to repeat his question over and over. I finally reached the light of the sun, and as I came upon the street, my eyes quickly adjusted to the light as I turn around to face the figure. His face was ragged and abuse with time, he asks his question again.
“Yes I can.” I stated to him. He smiled softly and he went back into the dark alley.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 52 word review has not been unlocked.
Treatsa reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 137 word review has not been unlocked.
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 164 word review has not been unlocked.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The problem with the dark alley is that it would have to be unnaturally dark to be as dark as you describe it during the day. The mysterious question is perhaps a bit too mysterious in the end, but of course readers will associate it with Barack Obama’s campaign slogan.
Notes:
The footstep starting the journey is awkward. It would be better to say “As soon as I stepped into the alleyway…”
a child screams (tense shift)
The child’s dialogue seems like a mouthful for the child to scream all at once. It’s almost comically too long.
I looked…puzzled look. (repetition awkward)
he runs off (tense shift)
past towards (past what?)
started with my first step (awkward/redundant. Once could hardly start with a second step, no?)
Stepping in mud wouldn’t necessarily ruin a pair of shoes. I’d choose another word.
started to adjust…started to focus…started to sting…started to walk…started to ask…started to repeat (repetitive)
tried to search = searched (delete tried to)
and abuse (typo?)
he asks (tense shift)
- add/view comments (1)
webwriter reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Hello, I’d first like to say that I don’t like the word “critique” much, as it seems to come across as having a negative meaning. Having said that, I want to point out some things I noticed as well as giving an overall review. As a fellow writer I would want the same.
“child screams” is present tense, the rest of the story is told in past. ** “child screamed” would fit.
“he runs off” * suggestion: “he ran off” (tense again)
“I gave no answer to him as I walked towards” ** should be “toward”
Did I miss something? I’m not being cocky here- what was the question? Or is that left for the reader to figure out on purpose. That was very confusing to me because it seems the whole story revolves around this one question….
OK- DUH on my part. I just went back and the title answered MY question- very clever!!!!
Showing 1 - 5 of 5
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
5 Reviews 2 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 6 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 25 Times
Skipped: 4 Times
Ratings & Rankings
