Poetry / Nineteen Bridges Over a Field

You have raised the volume to a nice level here.  I like that you say you would rather have visuals in the beginning, and not audibles.  I think this shows a lot of class on your part.  Whether I can change this poem over to a more visual beginning is not what intrigues me about your suggestion.  What does intrigue me is that you prefer a more visual beginning, something not many people would think about, or care to notice.  Personally, even if I noticed that kind of thing, I doubt I would think enough to even mention it? I am really glad that you have pointed out this kind of difference, I think that is really cool of you.  To me the line that stands out is “Simplified by its age.”  It seems I got away with it, although to me it is just a hint for what I was really after?  Thanks for your great review, it was fun reading it, and thought provoking as well.  B.

Glad you found this review helpful. The best I can offer another writer is to get them to consider, not to tell them what I think is correct. Still, a nice read.

I appreciate your sincerity a lot.  Your honesty proves you are far more intelligent than you realized, and so perhaps being humble is just as befitting for you.  As far as critiquing, it is a language all to its own, we learn through some hard knocks, and some take longer to write than we think they should, but they will help to make you a better writer.  Hang in there, send me a message if you have any questions. Thank you, B.

Thank you. I know it is only a poem, but when I read your kind words, I discover the beauty of letting others read our work.  B.

Aww, thank you!  We shall remain lighthearted, yes?  I’m very glad that you read my poem.  B.

Mr Blue Eyes, I am honored again by your thoughtful review, and must say thank you.  I will definitely look at your suggestions as far as deleting some words.  I know ‘rig’ although contrived, fit the rhyme/meter I was working with.  My excuse was editing the poem on the site, and I did not want to have double spaces/single spaces, if you know what I mean?  I agree with your first suggestion about how the lines could be better broken up, and I am surprised at how much better it does sound/appear.  I am not saying that I already planned on changing the line length, and so your valuable suggestion to do so holds my immediate gratitude.  I am anxious to get back to the drawing board, and may indeed ask you for some further interpretations.  Thanks again, B.

OK, on second thought, hehe.  Here is a line no one commented on, and I feel I got away with it, but don’t know how?  S1 L14  “Simplified by its age.”  It seems I got away with it, although to me it was too vague for what I was really after?  If you have any thoughts, I would appreciate it?  Maybe it was misunderstood, maybe it was easy to pass over, or maybe it actually was a good line in the poem?  No one commented on that line, so my hope is that it was effective?  Thanks, B.  

You’re welcome, BH.
Yes, the suggested deletions are mostly to strengthen the rhythm of the poem. I had reformatted the entire piece and those were the words which were sacrificed – I wish I had saved it. Most of the “poetry” that I write is clear cut and to the point, so I appreciate the ambiguous nature of your work. You allow the reader to draw their own conclusions about what is being said. :)

What I had originally suggested was to delete ‘its’ from that particular line; otherwise I had no problem with it. On a side note: if you end up reformatting the poem, why not aim for nineteen lines in each stanza? Granted, nobody would probably notice this, but it sounds like a good idea to me! :)

Yes in fact that idea had come to my mind as well…19 lines.  What is funny, is I had gone through 5 versions before turning on the review cue, meaning, it was once all over the place.  Ver. 6 I think has the same amount of lines per stanza, however long ago it was not that way.  
Basically BE is I feel I have confined my working space.  Have you edited in Urbis, there is no single space, so I had to work the best I could, thus I took no prisoners on this one.  I hope I’m making sense.
Personally, I don’t wish to carry around baggage I don’t need in real life, so leaving it in my most recent poems is not doing me any favors, ya know?
Yep, I did see you made the comment on S1 L14 by saying to remove ‘its’.  Thank you.  More later, otherwise it seems to have checked out fairly well I guess.
I saw the work you did with Sandi on her poem about “The Poet”.  That was an awesome poem.  I think you did a good job with it, and I really think she has some talent.  I sent her a review, maybe you will take a look when she opens?  Nice work on your part, and I can see how it would have been fun to work with her poem.
B.

Yes, I think your V6 has 24 lines per stanza; it should be easy to do 19. What do you mean by “no single space?” Do you mean everything comes out double-spaced? If so, I think if you hit shift+enter, it will do a single space. I do most of my initial writing and editing on paper, as far as poetry goes; for longer pieces, such as short stories and fiction, I use Microsoft Word. I don’t edit on Urbis proper.
Yes, Sandi definitely has a way with words/imagery. I was happy that I was able to help her out. I’ll be sure to check out your review when she opens it. Take care, BH. :)

Thank you.  I love insightful reviews like yours, believe me.  You have said a lot I feel, almost like a philosophical beginning as to how words can even get in the way.  What I am glad you noticed was that I incorporated ambiguity.  I don’t want anyone to connect all of the dots, since by personal experience, the minute we feel we have completely absorbed the meaning of something, is the minute that it slips away.  Also, while not intending to have the reader think too much, some ambiguity I use is to facilitate the readers’ minds to see beyond the page, or the screen, and even the poem.  Look into how a swampy field is sometimes good, sometimes bad, and why did you notice the flowers under the bridge today, and not yesterday, those sorts of carefree occurrances which don’t necessarily matter.  Any comments you have, feel free, they would be greatly appreciated…Thanks again, B.  

Many thanks, truly.  B.

Sandi, thank you for your ultra fine attention to details.  You have a point, since ‘worth crossing’ does seem out of place, i.e. I wanted to say more than that!  I think it was a revision mistake, and it was difficult revising while on the site, so I am definitely going to take a look.
Nineteen, flowers, ‘enduring history, and love’...I love that you saw this kind of message from the metaphor.  Enduring history, now that is a subject worth a zillion words.  As far as the love part, I think that IS the message/metaphor, since flowers bring love to many, and that as well could be an endless subject.  Thus, the odd flowers, under any bridge, sheltered as they may be, still reach for that light, always at the end of their tunnel.
I wanted to add as well to your last poem I reviewed, “Epiphany”, that it was a really good poem.  I know I said that in the review, being much more than trying your luck at poetry, and so you know how the title was all that drew me away?  I recently used the word ‘epiphany’ as an example for ‘reaching a peak’, and so looked the word up and was surprised to find out exactly what it means in the Webster Dictionary (pocket edition).  Anyhow, it was very well written, so hopefully you will be writing more poetry to swoosh us off of our feet?
Talk soon, and Thank You, B.

Ah Mr D. I do appreciate  your kind words. I try really hard to help. I love your work. You are a good friend and i appreciate you. Sandi

Right on!  I’m not sure the two verses really relate that well, even though they were about the same idea, but different places?  I felt the line you mentioned, Inviting winged creatures’ eyes, was fun to include, as if looking from the flowers perspective. It also shows that bees seem to find every flower in their range, and they are instinctually able to keep doing this.  Glad that you enjoyed, thank you again.  B.