Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Master's Lair - Chapter Twenty-Two & Chapter Recaps (Analysis)

 

Chapter One – The villain and protagonist are introduced. The villain is mysterious wizard bent on revenge. Twenty five year old Lauriana and her two brothers and two cousins find a secret room. Smoke fills the room and they lose consciousness.

Chapter Two – The five wake up in a parallel world where they find themselves physically altered. Lauriana is taller and stronger, her brothers a dwarf and combatant, her cousins an elf and magic tyro. A wizard (Zeke) offers to help them figure out why they were brought to his realm and a place to stay. We meet Ash, a sorceress and expert on prophecy.

Chapter Three – The five learn they can’t leave the realm until they complete a quest. We meet Dagreth, a dragon.

Chapter Four – Trainers arrive to train the five companions. Lauriana meets her trainer, Mikell and is disturbed because he acts like he already knows her. Marcus her older brother is suspicious.

Chapter Five –Lauriana grows finds out that Mikell has dreamed about her for the last twenty five years and was in love with her before they met. They almost become intimate, but Lauriana does not want to be unfaithful to Ari, her serious boyfriend at home.

Chapter Six – After reliving the execution of his parents for unlawful use of magic in a nightmare, The Master goes to a small room in his lair and stares at a portrait of a strange woman. Lauriana decides to move forward with her relationship with Mikell since she realizes she may never get to go back to her world again.

Chapter Seven –Ash discovers a prophecy saying that the future of world will depend on the union of Zotara’s worthy heir (Lauriana) and the king who refused his crown (Mikell). Lauriana is nearly killed by a cross-bow arrow.

Chapter Eight –The Master insists Martika work for him. Knowing she has no choice and greedy to get rewards she agrees. It’s decided that the trainers will accompany Lauriana, her brothers, and cousins on the quest. Lauriana admits to Zeke that she would consider staying in his world with Mikell if they complete the quest.

Chapter Nine – Lauriana takes a fall in training and keeps the injury to herself. Winnie, Jenessa, Marcus, and Sheridan all have mysterious training accidents.

Chapter Ten –Marcus and Mikell come to an understanding. The Master visits Lauriana in her sleep, but she unaware of his presence. She later collapses. She is healed by the wizard, but needs rest for a few days.

Chapter Eleven – Martika, arrives at the Keep claiming to be betrothed to Mikell. Mikell tells Lauriana some secrets of his past. He was betrothed to Martika and was set to rule his kingdom. He broke the betrothal with her and turned the throne over to his younger brother.

Chapter Twelve – Lauriana punches Martika before the woman leaves. Mikell and Zeke share suspicions about Martika and decide to keep the threat from Lauriana. Lauriana meets The Master.

Chapter Thirteen – Lauriana awakens from a nightmare about The Master. He leaves the imprint of his hand burned into her arm. Mikell also had a dream involving The Master. The Master is shaken by the encounter with Lauriana. The party leaves for the quest.

Chapter Fourteen – Lauriana has a close encounter with ogres. Mikell and Lauriana’s dreams are invaded by The Master. The words “You Are Mine” are burned into Lauriana’s arm. The Master can track them by the burn.

Chapter Fifteen – The Master stares at a mysterious portrait of a woman who died 800 years ago. Lauriana’s wound continues to get worse and needs treatment soon. They decide to go to Tandril’s home. (An elven village). Lauriana takes a knife with her to bed and stabs The Master in her dreams.

Chapter Sixteen – The Master is angered by Lauriana stabbing him, and he makes her sicker. The Master Healer at the elven village hates humans and refuses to allow the healing. Heartbroken the party prepares to leave and is stopped by Maurenthia, a young elven healer who offers to heal Lauriana. After the healing Lauriana must fight The Master in her dreams to drive him from her mind. After three days she’s still unconscious. Petrick has an idea that might help and enlists Jenessa’s help.

Chapter Seventeen – Lauriana fights her way out of The Master’s dream world and wakes up free if the poison. She discovers The Master wants her to have his child so he can become invincible. Petrick doesn’t return from the dream world in time and Zeke frees him. Lauriana and Mikell argue and later come to an understanding. Mikell has a surprise for Lauriana.

Chapter Eighteen – Lauriana rests a few days in the elven village. Mikell decided to ask Lauriana to be his wife. Ash discovers that The Master needs an heir before the fall of the next year. If she can stay out of his clutches by the winter solstice she’ll be able to go home. Lauriana agrees to marry Mikell, and then has a fight with Marcus. Zeke says the planet are aligning in such a way tonight that he can send Lauriana home, but she will never be able to return. Unable to decide Lauriana runs from the hall.

Chapter Nineteen – Lauriana decides to stay because she couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t help Mikell’s world. She finds out the Ari was going to propose the day she was transported to this world. Because she doesn’t think she’ll ever see Ari again she marries Mikell. The elven healer acts suspicious and insists on leaving with the party. The party sets out for the Arcane Mountains. Tandril questions the healer’s behavior.

Chapter Twenty Part One – The party stops at Traverse City to pick up supplies and are forced to stay in town because of a snowstorm. Two people from Mikell’s past are in town, Selina, who had wanted to marry him and Kesar who wants to kill him. Kesar finds Mikell and forces him into a fight by having one of his men grab Lauriana. Mikell is seriously injured and near death. He can only by save by Zeke. But, Zeke is in a meditative trance and can’t be awakened until morning.

Chapter Twenty Part Two – Lauriana waits by Mikell’s bedside for Zeke to awake. Master Hartford visits Ash (his mother) and the reader discovers the Ash is really Lauriana’s Aunt, but hasn’t told her yet. Zeke heals Mikell in the nick of time. Mikell goes after Kesar wanting to end the feud once and for all. The Master explains to Martika why he hates Lauriana and Mikell so much. He loved one of Lauriana’s ancestor’s and she left him for an ancestor of Mikell’s. The Master ended up killing them both. Lauriana waits in her room with her cousins for Mikell and the other men to return. The door crashes open and three large men burst in.

Chapter Twenty-One

The Master had delusions that Lauriana could love him. Mikell kills Kesar in a final showdown. Lauriana and her cousins battle three of Kesar’s men. Mikell rushes back to Lauriana to try to stop Kesar’s men.

                                                Chapter Twenty-Two
                                                                -1-
        He stared into the fire. The flames danced in the bitter wind, offering the only light under a starless sky. After three days on the open road, the fight with Kesar felt like a distant memory. At least his wife wasn’t angry any more. If Kesar had harmed her, Mikell never would’ve been able to live with himself. She was already in so much danger; she didn’t need to face Kesar as well. Despite all that had happened and what they were about to face, their moods were lighter tonight.
        Mikell threw a twig into the fire. “We’ll reach Paramount ridge tomorrow. The cave is near that ridge. I suggest we turn in early. It’ll be a long day tomorrow. The terrain will be tougher to travel through. It’d be best if we are all rested.”
        Tandril grinned. “Are you sure you just don’t want more time alone with your wife?”
        “No, turning in early with my wife, my friend, is an added pleasure, in which I intend to take full advantage.” He tried to grab Lauriana’s behind, but she easily shifted out of his reach. He laughed. “She gets quicker all the time.”
        She put a scowl on her face, but her eyes twinkled and gave her away. “I’m going to bed.” She tossed her head and headed to their shelter. He followed her.

                                                                -2-
         Something startled Winnie out of a sound sleep. As her eyes adjusted to the dark, she looked around. The elven healer was gone. This was the third time she had woken up in the night to find the woman missing. She didn’t like it.
        She wished Maurenthia had stayed in her village. Winnie was not sure what it was, but something about the woman didn’t seem right. She couldn’t find any reason to distrust the healer. Still, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. All she could do is keep her eye on her. She didn’t want to say anything to anyone until she had something more to tell. What was she supposed to say? I have a feeling this woman is bad news?
         She threw on her cloak. This time she’d find out what the healer was up to. Winnie knew with her former body she never could have snuck up on anyone. Now as an elf, she could walk without making a sound. She left the shelter and saw Marcus on one side of the clearing keeping watch. The healer was on the other side. Was she talking to someone? Winnie couldn’t see who, but could hear two voices, one male, and one female.
        When Winnie was about five feet away, the healer spun around.
        “I thought I heard voices.” Winnie looked around. No one else was there.
        Maurenthia gave her a tight-lipped smile. “I was reciting an old elven chant. It helps when I can’t sleep.” Winnie stared at her not knowing what to say. “Enjoy the night air.”
        Winnie watched her walk away. Marcus approached from other side of the clearing.
        “What are you doing up?” he asked. “You don’t keep watch tonight.”
        “I was looking for the healer.”
        “Maurenthia?”
        She nodded. “Didn’t you see her? It sounded like she was talking to someone.”
        “I saw her. I didn’t hear anything.”
        Winnie shook her head. Maybe the healer was just singing like she said.
        “Is there something wrong?” Marcus asked.
        “What?”
        “Is there something wrong?”
        She shook her head again. “I think my imagination is getting away from me. I better head back to bed.”

                                                             -3-
         Lauriana woke up gasping for breath. Grabbing her cloak, she went outside to get some fresh air. Tandril stood at one end of the clearing, keeping watch. She wrapped her cloak tightly around her body and headed away from the elf. She gazed at the night sky, still full of clouds. Would they find the cave tomorrow? What would they find in it? What if they didn’t find anything? The party would all be looking for her to tell them what to do next. What if she didn’t know?
        The hairs on her neck stood up. She slowly turned around. Her eyes grew wide. “This is just a dream. You’re not real.”
        The Master smirked. “I can assure you this is not a dream. I am very real.”
        “How can you be here in our camp? Zeke said you couldn’t enter it.”
        “I didn’t enter the fool’s warding. Although his pitiful ward couldn’t stop me if I wanted to go through it. You could say that I am here yet I’m not here.”
        “I’m going back to my shelter.” As she turned to leave, The Master clamped his hand around her wrist.
        “My patience is wearing thin. Marrying the ranger was a foolish thing to do and it will not help you escape me.”
        She struggled trying to pull free from his vice-like grip. “I can assure you, the decision had nothing to do with you.”
        “As I said, it won’t do you any good. It did, however, make me angry. I need you and I will not stop until you are mine. You don’t understand it doesn’t have to be this way.”
        The Master stroked her hair and she jerked her head away as a shiver ran down her spine. “Don’t touch me.” The look in his eyes that she could have almost mistaken for tenderness quickly turned to rage.
        “Because of your foolishness, I will not be able to spare the ranger’s life. You have caused his death. The only way you can prevent his death is to leave him tonight and come to me.”
        She tried to yank her hand away again. A bolt of pain shot through her wrist as he tightened his grip.
        “I won’t let you hurt him.”
        He laughed with a humorless sound. “You think you can stop me? This is my final offer. Come to me tonight.”
        She let out a breath and her shoulders sagged. “Even if I wanted to I don’t know where to find you.”
        “You know where to find me. You’ve always known. You should also know that the elven healer is not here because she wants to help you. She has, shall we say, ulterior motives. My time here grows short, let me leave you with a lasting impression.” He pulled her to him, kissed her hard on the mouth, and disappeared. Lauriana sunk to her knees.
        By the time she returned to the shelter, she was convinced she had to find The Master on her own. She had to protect Mikell. He’d be furious, but in time, maybe he’d forgive her. At least he’d still be alive. She could not bear the thought of him dying because of her. She stuffed her belongings into her pack and left.

                                                             -4-
        Mikell’s eyes popped open. Something felt wrong. The space next to him was empty, the bedding cold to the touch. His wife had been gone for some time. How could he have slept through her leaving? He grabbed his cloak and headed out of the shelter. There was no sign of her in the camp, but he hadn’t expected to find one. He knew something was wrong. As he headed across the clearing, the air crackled and Martika appeared in his path.
        He shook his head. “You’re just another dream.”
       “I can assure you I’m real.” She threw herself on him and tried to kiss him. Mikell shoved her away and she fell to the ground. She smiled and pushed herself back to her feet.
        “Get out of my way. I have to find my wife.”
        “The little whore is gone. She’s left you and despite promising you otherwise. She’s on her way to be with The Master.”
        “You lie.”
        Martika gestured at the shelter. “Look for yourself. Her pack is gone. The good news is I have forgiven you for marrying the bitch. If you agree to be my lover and husband I will convince The Master to spare your life.” She slipped her gown off and let it fall to the ground. She wore nothing underneath. “This is just a preview of what you’ve been missing and what you can have all to yourself.” She slipped her arms around him.
        Mikell pried her arms from around his neck and thrust her away. “I’d rather die than ever be with you.”
        “So be it.” With a crackle, Martika disappeared.
        Mikell’s mind raced. Could it be true? Would Lauriana look for The Master by herself after all the discussions they had about keeping each other informed, and not taking unnecessary risks? He had a queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. How could she betray him like this? He never thought she’d do this. She could be anywhere by now. How was he going to find her before it’s too late?

                                                               -5-
        Tandril’s unease grew as he neared the end of his watch. The air felt wrong. He heard a twig snap and spun around notching an arrow. He lowered his bow and watched as Lauriana left the camp with her pack on her back. He’d better follow her. The sense of danger seemed to be coming from all around him.
        She dropped to the ground not far from camp. She eased her pack off her back, drew her knees up, leaned her back against a log, and buried her face in her hands.
        “What’s wrong?” The elf dropped to the grass next to her.
        She stared straight ahead, her face ashen. “The Master was here.”
        His alarm grew. “You had another dream?”
        “No, he was here in some form. I don’t know exactly, but he said he was here but wasn’t here. Didn’t you see him?” She held her wrist.
        “I didn’t see anyone but you leaving camp.”
        “It was so strange. I could see you on the other side of the camp, but it was like you were miles away. I wanted to call out to you but… something stopped me.”
        Tandril took her hand and gently examined her wrist. “What happened here?”
        “The Master grabbed me.”
        “Let me get some bandages and ointment.”
        When Tandril returned, he knelt down began to dress her burn. He was relieved she hadn’t gone far. If she had left the party to go off on her own she’d be at The Master’s mercy. “Tell me what happened.”
        Lauriana spilled out the details. “The Master said because I married Mikell that if I didn’t come to him tonight, he’d kill him.”
        “So you were going to find The Master on your own?” She nodded. “What changed your mind?”
        “I just started thinking about how Mikell and I agreed to work as a team. We agreed that we wouldn’t take any foolish risks and that one of us would not go rushing off without talking to the other. I gave him my word. I just realized I couldn’t go back on it.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “What am I going to do? I can’t lose him now.”
        He finished bandaging her wrist and put his arm around her. “You are going to tell Mikell what happened and you will decide what to do together.” He gave her shoulders a squeeze. “Why don’t you come back to camp now?”
        “I can’t. I can’t face Mikell right now.” She buried her face in her hands.
        He watched her for a while and finally realized that only Mikell would able to convince her to return to the others. He got to his feet and headed back to camp.

                                                          -6-
         A shiver went up her spine and she realized she wasn’t alone. Lauriana turned around and saw Mikell standing there. How long had he been standing there? He tried to meet her gaze, but she turned her head away, not able to bear looking at his face. Did he know what she had planned to do? Was he angry? Mikell sat down next to her and leaned again the log without saying a word.
        She gathered her courage, swallowed, and met his gaze. “I tried to go and save you, but I couldn’t do it. I promised you I wouldn’t go off on my own and now you are in even more danger than before. It’s all because of me.”
        Mikell put his arms around her. “Shhh, it’s going to be okay nothing’s going to happen to me. The Master is just trying to play on your fears to get you to act foolish. Martika tried the same tactic.”
       She felt fire run through her veins as she drew back and looked up at him. “That woman was here? What was she doing here?”
        “She told me that you left me and went to be with The Master. She was wrong wasn’t she?” He pushed a lock of hair away from her face. “That proves that what they say isn’t true, they’re just trying to play upon our fears. We almost fell into their trap, but in the end we came to our senses.”
        She threw her arms around him and laid her head on his chest. She could feel his heart hammering in his chest. A tear of relief ran down her check. Mikell was right and he was safe for now. In the end, the present moment was all one ever had anyway. Right now, she was in his arms and she could feel his strength and his love radiating through her body. After a while, he gently pulled her arms off his neck, got to his feet, and slipped her pack onto his shoulders. He held out a hand, helped her up, and they walked back to their shelter.
        Mikell laid down next to her and wrapped his arms around her. “You are safe with me now.”
        “But we aren’t safe are we? The Master is out there plotting to capture me and harm you or worse.”
        “If it were that easy he’d have captured us by now. For the moment, we are safe and have each other. That’s all I want you to focus on right now.” He kissed her forehead. Lauriana nestled her face into his chest and soon fell asleep.

                                                           -7-
        Mikell watched the sunrise lost in thought. The appearance of Martika and The Master in camp last night disturbed him on more than one level. What did it mean? What did The Master mean when he said he ‘was here, but was not here’? He’d woken up before his wife. She looked too peaceful; he hadn’t had the heart to wake her.
        Zeke and Tandril were making porridge for breakfast. Far from his favorite food, it was easy to make and warmed the body on a cold morning. He joined them by the fire. Tandril told his account of what happen last night.
        “I heard a noise and I saw Lauriana leaving with her pack, so I followed her.” Tandril knelt down and started feeding small twigs into the fire.
        “Wait a minute,” Mikell grabbed the elf’s arm. “You let her leave camp without trying to stop her.”
        “I knew she’d change her mind and come back.”
        Mikell’s jaw tightened. “How could you know that?”
        “Because I know she loves you and has taken the commitment she made to you seriously. I thought it was important to let her to decide to return on her own. If I had tried to stop her it might have made her all that more determined to leave.” He returned to feeding twigs to the fire.
        “Tandril’s right,” Zeke said as he poured the ground oats into the kettle of boiling water on the fire.
        “I suppose so.” Mikell shook his head. “It’s just when I think about what she almost did…”
         Zeke put a hand on his shoulder. “But she didn’t my boy. When put to the test, she decided to keep her words to you.”
        Mikell let Tandril finish his account of what happened and then told his own.
        Zeke added a kettle on the fire for tea. “Did you tell Lauriana about Martika?”
Mikell nodded. “I told her she was here, but I left out the details. Do you have any idea what The Master meant when he said he was here but not here?”
        “What about the burn on her wrist?” Tandril asked.
        “Sounds like some sort of projection spell.” Zeke scratched his head. “I know of a spell where you can send an image of yourself to the location of another person.    The spell works based on the person in question. He would not need to know where she is. All he needs is some personal possession of Lauriana’s, which he could have taken when he appeared in her dreams. I am not sure about the burn. Ash and I will examine it later.”
         “What about what The Master said about the healer?” Mikell asked. “Do you think she could be a danger?”
        “We should question her. However, we must keep in mind The Master is not the most reliable source.” Zeke poured a cup of tea.
        “It would be difficult to stay in an elven village if you were evil,” Tandril said. “Those types of elves are found out quickly and banished from the village.”

                                                                   -8-
        Lauriana started to stir when she felt him rubbing her back. She rolled over to meet his kiss. His mouth crushed and bit her lips. A hand ripped open her shirt and grabbed her left breast. Her flesh burned as a searing pain rushed through her body.
        Lauriana’s eyes flew wide open. The Master stared down at her with his black eyes and a smirk on his lips.
 

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Dexus avatar General Friend

May 11, 2009

Dexus Prolific-icon-medium

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Dexus reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

When Winnie goes to investigate, she sees Marcus on one side of the clearing “keeping watch” and  Maurenthia on the other. Is it a really big clearing, that Marcus couldn’t see the healer himself? Or was he facing the opposite way? Either way, a good sentry watches all around and listens, too.

When Marcus tells Winnie he did see the healer, was he talking about earlier on his watch, or just then when he was walking up?

“He laughed with a humorless sound” -- reads awkward. Consider: His laugh was humorless. -Or- His laugh was a humorless sound.

“You should also know that the elven healer is not here because she wants to help you.”  —This is a little confusing. Maurenthia did help her by healing her, and we suspect by now she has ulterior motives but this sentence threw me off. Did he mean she wasn’t there to stop him because she wants to help? Help in what way? Help her see the Master’s ways or help her beat the Master?

I’m entranced now, wondering if she will go to the Master alone…

”...but he hadn’t expected to find one.”—didn’t expect

“She’s left you and despite promising you otherwise”—unless you intended for Martika to sound like this, consider: She left you despite her promise.

So Martika can pass Zeke’s wards? Even if you add that Zeke’s wards are only for The Master, it makes the reader wonder why he wouldn’t take all precautions and protect them from the Master’s minions as well? Or maybe the Master found a way to get his minions past the wards? Or maybe Zeke was confident their group could dispatch any of his minions and so only protects them from the Master, because putting more wards up for his minions as well might clash with each other?

The elf didn’t startle or surprise Lauriana?

”...the present moment was all one ever had anyway.”—confusing

I like Tandril’s reasoning for not stopping her.

Good cliff-hanger ending. It seems a bit short. I imagined it as if it were in a book in my hands, and there is only 3 lines of words after the segment -8- ? I think you can add more to that paragraph :)

I’m wondering what happens next!!

Ctoyboy3 avatar General Stranger

March 11, 2009

Ctoyboy3

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Ctoyboy3 reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

WOw. this was really creative. Well done on that. just a few rough patches listed below.

“Winnie was not sure what it was, but something about the woman didn’t seem right. She couldn’t find any reason to distrust the healer. Still, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.” It’s a little repeative you could condence it down or re word it

“How can you be here in our camp? Zeke said you couldn’t enter it.” this was a little rought “How did you get into our camp?.....” this might read a little better

In the part where she has decided to find the master on her own could be expanded ALOT. Here it seems like it is an easy decision. Show the struggle within her to leave her husband to save him.

“I’d rather die the ever be with you” is a little rough. “NEVER! I would rather die then be with you”

The morning after, you have Mikell ask if anyone know’s what the here but not here means but  it jumps, you have her ask about the burns then the answers you could have her shake her head and then say, I have no idea and what about te burns

dcyuelling avatar General Stranger

March 10, 2009

dcyuelling Prolific-icon-medium

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dcyuelling reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

-4- First  Paragraph:  Instead of saying ‘He knew something was wrong.’ You could try: He knew something wasn’t right.’ or ‘Something didn’t feel right’. Stating ‘something felt wrong’ then saying it again ‘he knew something was wrong’ makes it repetitive.
You use the word ‘wrong’ a lot in this I noticed. I know that sometimes trying to find the right word or phrase makes you use the easiest ones. When something is wrong, try using a different phrase like ‘out of order’ ‘out of sort’ ‘undesirable’ or ‘uneasy’ Again this is to keep from being repetitive.

-5- Was Tandril kneeling next to her when he took her wrist to examine it? If so then maybe stating that he was would help with the vision of him leaving as well. Maybe when he leaves to retrieve the ointment after his statement you could say He stood and walked towards the shelter.’ or something along the lines. Also, I didn’t read anywhere before this that the Master burned her. You didn’t write anything to show that she rubbed her wrist to soothe the pain or anything, unless I missed it.

-7- What did The Master mean when he said he ‘was here, but was not here’? – When did she tell him that the Master said that? I don’t remember her telling him.
You didn’t state whether or not he saw the burn on her wrist the previous night. Maybe adding a little bit like her telling him would clarify the question’s asked from Zeke regarding the burn.
How did he know about the healer? Did Lauriana tell him about the Master saying she had other motives?
~~~~~
All in all, I like it. The story is captivating and mysterious. I like how Lauriana contemplates her decisions, always remembering her vow to Mikell. Mikell is a likable character. He’s strong yet sensitive which every story needs. He shows deep concern about Lauriana and also keeps his vow. It’s a great story.  

catluckey avatar General Stranger

March 08, 2009

catluckey Prolific-icon-medium

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catluckey reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

SwordMistress, you’re getting better and better at this. Your story is engaging, characters are strong, and the plot is spot on. To add, your grammar, technical stuff is impeccible. I’m not finding much at all. So thank you for sharing your amazing talent. Your writing will be published; it’s just a matter of submitting when you’re finished. Like on Dancing With The Stars, you get …10,10,10…TOUCHDOWN! Doing the dance of joy!

-Scene 5-
...go off on her own,(comma) she’d be at The Master’s mercy.

-Scene 6-
and leaned again(against) the log without
“If it were that easy,(comma) he’d
Excellent job in building this scene when Mikell comes to Lauriana after she decides not to leave. Love them sitting under a tree. The snuggling makes me feel closer to L&M.

I Love This…Feels as if I can hear his heart too…ohhhh: She could feel his heart hammering in his chest.

judy avatar General Friend

March 06, 2009

judy

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judy reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

HEY!!  This is the last one.  Now you have to post rest of your chapters.  LOL!!
She tossed her head and headed to their shelter.  She tossed her head??  LOL
She’s left you and despite promising you otherwise.  I would strike (and).
“But we aren’t safe are we?----needs comma…safe, are we?  But, I think this would read better if it just read.  ”But we aren’t safe.”  and not form it as a question.
Oh!!  Nice ending.  She wakes to the Master.  
The story is really flowing.  The only thing I might suggest is the dialogue in this chapter.  Some of it seems that it lost its fluidity in some parts.  If that makes sense.
Also, I did not correct these because I am awful with lie, lay, lain, and lay, laid.  Check these in your chapters and make sure you are using the correct verbs.  I might be wrong, but I think a couple of ‘laid’ should have been ‘lay’.  But as I said, I might be wrong.  I constantly have to check those.  The word laid almost always sounds right to me when in past tense.  

oknapp avatar General Stranger

March 05, 2009

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

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oknapp reviewed Version 2 - Read 87% of the Item

I am glad you inserted the Master back into the story. My favorite passages have the Master standing in front of the portrait stroking his chin.

If Kesar had harmed her, Mikell never would’ve been able . Would never have been able…....... might sound better if the words were situated this way??

She was already in so much danger;  Who? Say Lauriana’s name, okay.

“This is just a dream. You’re not real.” Shouldn’t you introduce the presence of the Master , first? His entrance seems a little to abrupt. Its up to you.

is vice-like grip. “I can assure you, the decision had nothing to do with you. Who said this?
so you were going to find The Master on your own?” She nodded….Tandril asked this. Lauriana says, to Mikell, . “I tried to go and save you, but I couldn’t do it
She told me that you left me and went to be with The Master. She was wrong wasn’t she?”
This is a little confusing. You might take this part out. If Mikell heard he wouldn’t ask. She already tells him that she went out on her own but couldn’t.

What did The Master mean when he said he ‘was here, but was not here’. Did Lauriana tell Mikell this. I didn’t see it in the conversation.

Listen, i could be wrong about the things i found above. I am  not past putting things out of context, but i thought i better list them just in  case because i want you to sell this when the time comes. I love this story and look forward to it. Email ok, Sandi

slbynum3 avatar General Stranger

March 05, 2009

slbynum3

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slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

This story keeps getting better and better. I enjoy how you pull the reader in with action and twists. By the way, I noticed you forgot to add the chapter recaps this time.

I think you should add more visual when The Master shows up the first time. In the midst of his conversation with Lauriana, tell what color his hair or eyes are to remind the reader what his appearance is like. What kind of clothing is he wearing?

I also wanted to see more emotion from Mikell when Martika appeared. Besides his dialogue, there wasn’t much to show how angry he was at what Martika was telling him.

I don’t know about ‘notching’ an arrow, maybe you should try ‘nocking’ since that word means ‘to prepare to fire an arrow’.

I’m glad Lauriana decided to remain faithful to her husband. The cliffhanger ending has me eager to read the next chapter.

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Age: 39
Loc: Menomonie, WI
Gen: F
Last Login: November 20
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