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Short Story / Ocean's Love
The sand was soft after the spring rain last night. But it was the ferrous beating of the waves on the rocks that called me out that morning. As the sun rose it seemed to dance on top of the jaded green sea. That’s when I spotted her. She was in a torn white dress and hanging on to a piece of wreckage. Without any thought of my own safety I jolted towards her; as I did I took off my shirt and shoes. The waves were trying to hold me back, but I jumped in, as the next wave was about to hit my face. The swim was horrendous as salt water rushed into my ears. The girl was still clinging on the make shift raft she was unconscious. I reached for her but the ocean pulled her even farther from my reach. I grabbed her and rushed towards the shore. The sand gave way under my feet betraying me with my effort to pull her onto the beach, but as soon as she was on the beach away from the oceans grasp she awoke, screaming. I was thrown to one side as she escaped back to the oceans white tip hands. I got up and gave chase, but the waves forbid this and threw me back to the shore. I screamed for her safety, but she had already disappeared into the depths of the salty sea. For the rest of the day I watched the ocean rise and fall thinking that she will learn to escape on her own.
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This is a good start but it feels a little empty to me. You have a good premise on your hands but I felt very unfulfilled at the end. This piece is far too short and I feel like there is a lot more you could say to make this piece stand out more and truly shine.
There were a few grammatical errors, things like unnecessary commas, such as in the first sentence.
Throughout the piece you have a very vivid and poetic language that I really enjoyed. Especially the lines “jaded green sea” and “ocean’s white tip hands”.
You have a good start to something here but I feel like it needs more to it to be a satisfying read.
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rain, last night – not sure the comma is necessary. kind of choppy first sentence.
jaded green sea = jade green ? or if you mean it to be characterized as fatiqued, dull, apathetic, then ignore me, but that doesn’t mesh with the rest of the piece.
in white = in white what? swimsuit, boat clothes, prom dress? (sorry) It would help the imagery.
jolted towards her (then) ran to the sea = you used different words, but the idea repeats.
The sand … the beach = how did it betray you?
oceans grasp = ocean’s
oceans white tip hands = ocean’s white-tipped hands
waves forbid this = forbad or forbade (tense issue)
nice little snippet. Original.
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