This is the first write, and I had to get it all on the page. If this were your poem, which specific stanzas would you eliminate? I don’t want the soft approach, I want the images to sting. I really don’t want to portray a ‘noble/self-sacrificing’ mother, instead a profound truth of the institution of church/marriage; in some cases, the misuse of scripture to teach women/girls to be passive and obedient.
Ordeals of gender-roles and expectations that master and misuse authority and power? If you get time, any suggestions would be great!
Poetry / Memories Never Forget (Analysis)
She wishes she did not stumble
losing again and recovering some
the truth of pain discovered
while waiting out the traditions
too washed and unexplained
A woman fearless in action and fault
so he burns their children's shoes & clothes
and steals her grandma's Bible
Everyday reveals new reasons
he will never let them leave.
To speak her mind to anyone
now would just be talking...
worn old, but still living inside.
For her children- a mother remembers...
for them she does not mind.
Corner-dust settles thick
on a woman's voice and covers
the luggage from honeymoom
to delivery room and she gives-up
on ever dancing slow again
Opinions collect on our doorstep
stay out of his way... he knows they are scared
when he is mad. Our mother nods her head
weeping children climb upstairs slowly.
I'm last in line. Looking back. She'll be alone down there!
House is never clean enough!
Supper is late, or cold, or is burning on the stove!
Should've never come home from work early.
Now mix his drink. Do it right! And hurry!
Our home wishes we would learn these things.
All she never understood about this life
is exposed to her on that day.
She does not protest, keeps it in her head,
empties out all the drawers,
and wipes her cheek on a clean handkerchief.
She believes a steady voice
telling her to freeze
points out the empty table.
She is staring into her daughter's eyes
The death of love is witnessed.
Silenced in a neat package
her head is finished hearing.
A hand can carry or stop everything.
Sharpened and slick to break off
pieces of a mother's heart.
Memories never let you forget the way you felt.
Secrets find a way to surface...a cry in your sleep.
A family man believes his crime's hardworking.
His job to shape and guide & chances press
That man will make us all sorry for this.
Turning this house's belongings
to a time without the knowledge
of my mother's distant strands & it reminds me
to always speak to men through him
threading time and women together.
To church and home again-- never rebellious
a love now lost to sympathy and the restless.
A scent of long resented paths.
She still sings to the choir, mostly unlistened
She sees her body's falling image.
I want to go with my sisters and mother
Stuck in there. The silent agreement.
Though she believed a dream could
be pieced together once again.
Her mother's life without the men.
Strong enough to take it all
She's not afraid of being hit.
So she decided to obey and knows
not what she has done...little sister.
My mind's memory won't let me think clearly.
Secrets fulfill needs and punish
Stunned-- as she fights back and then
time stands still and ashamed...
A voice in her head whispers her name
It's better to hurt than to cause the pain.
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shoppingcartfreedom reviewed Version 1 -
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You have a lot of beautifully crafted images. The “dust settles” stanza is great. Fantastic, even.
The theme of portraying the misogynist as a villain terrorizing the family is good. My only criticism in regards to the theme would be that I was hoping it would turn into empowerment. The mother is painted as noble for not “causing the pain,” but I was hoping that the ending would dispatch the abuse. There are images of empty drawers and fighting back, but I don’t see the means.
Content:
“traditions too..” – Great trivialization of old-world values
“so he burns…” – I’m lost with this image. Why?
“climb []upstairs slowly.” – “climb up the stairs” would read cleaner, crawl would give the image more innocence. Just opinion. The children upstairs is a great element which places them “physically” above it all. Are the children a part of this or is it only the mother.
“She’ll be alone… !” – I’m big on breaking conventions such a stanzas. This line would be very powerful on its own. The image of being alone (when she is really with him) is a very nice touch.
“clean enough!” – the exclamation trivializes its use in the previous line. I would only use it on that one line. Same with following lines.
“All she never understood…” – I’m confused at this point. The empty drawer and table suggests that she is leaving. These are barren elements so this is where I am beginning to hope she is leaving.
“daughter’s eyes… witnessed.” – Not a fan of “witnessed” here. You could really play with a loss of innocence here.
“your sleep.” – shift to second person
“crime’s hardworking.” – doesn’t make sense to me. Is “crime’s” meant as a contraction? ”crime is”
“and guide &” – seems repetitive
“speak to men through him” – not sure what this means
“again[-]”
“scent of long resented paths.” – very nice
“the men.” – Why plural? Why not “a man?” The plural seems to imply that all men are like this.
“she fights back” – I’m probably missing it, but how is she fighting back, it isn’t clear to me.
_
Meaning – very noble portrait justifying the mother.
_
Diction – it is appropriate and straight-forward.
_
Images – are absolutely fantastic. Some could use more clarity, but what you have is good.
_
Title – I am a little thrown by the title. ”Memories not forgotten” seems to imply these are the memories of the narrator. Since you are speaking in first person in the work, I assume these are your memories but the main focus seems to be the mother’s.
Overall, very well done. Poetry isn’t my strong point, so I apologize if my comments aren’t helpful. Feel free to comment or message if you want to discuss further.
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derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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It needs a solid edit, but the core emotion and imagery are there. V1 and V2 do a nice job of setup, and then V4 is the poem. V6 sustains the emotional imagery. The last verse drives home the dynamic. I think there may be one more verse in all the rest. The poem goes on too long and dilutes the impact of those first few moments. It may depend on who your audince is. Maybe those who know this kind of abuse need this softer, drawn out approach. I have no history or first hand knowledge, so my own desire as a reader is to get it, feel it, and then resolve. You would know better.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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She wishes she did not stumble; I don’t know, maybe She hopes she doesn’t stumble. She wishes not to stubble. There is something about this line that seems wrong.
I want to go with my sisters and mother
Stuck in there. This seems a little vague.Can you define what she is stuck in?
I am a battered women’s advocate. I understand this type of thinking on a woman’s part. The second stanza is so powerful. Stanza four is also powerful.
I became so immersed in the sad truth and raw emotion of this work i forgot to look at what might be wrong with it. Perhaps this reader saw nothing. This speaks sadly of the women who are lost to the idealism of their significant other. A horrible legacy passed down from mother to daughter. Women walk around everyday lost, their identity stolen by someone who professes love—well on the professors own terms. Sometimes the churches don’t help either. The preachers pick passage at random which will justify a husbands ill treatment of his wife and children. This is a potent piece that could be published in any magazine having to do with women’s issues. Your unique depth into the heart of a battered woman should be heard everywhere. This is stellar work. Sandi
blackrosemage reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the imagery and the emotion evoked. The message: is it the last sentence? Is it that most people feel that way, and that is why we end up causing pain after all? Maybe it is just that the true fear is to cause someone else pain? Just analyzing, I could be utterly wrong. Anyway, overall, definitely publishable, and I think you have talent. I did not see anything that sounded out of flow or confusing, just a poem seeking deep thought. A job well done.
ockhamdesign reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this poem needs to be much, much shorter. I think you can get to your point in about half the lines.
The poem has several parts:
Establishing speaker (the wife), the husband’s abuse, outside opinion from her mother, the effect on the children and how the speaker feels about her situation looking back on it.
I think that each part can be addressed in one stanza each, maybe two at most.
billyblueboy reviewed Version 1 -
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I have few criticisms. I think “do not” would work better as “don’t” in the first line; there are a few other bits and pieces like that. The subject matter is worn almost to pieces from over-use, and that’s the greatest problem this poem suffers from. The writing is good, but with this particular topic it requires something truly amazing to get noticed at all.
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