Thanks so much. Now I know why readers were getting stuck on time standing still, I keep repeating it. ;) Strange how after years of writing the basics slip away. Words that carry double meaning—how simple. Your ideas will be a great help. Thank you.
Poetry / ...And Time Stands Still (Analysis)
I think of my mother and time stands still
I look in the mirror--still thinking of my mother
My reflection...ugh...grays are sticking out again
"Unruly damn things" I say loudly to the mirror
I think of my mom in the hospital bed
the gray hair just peaking out at her roots
I take out the Clairol and study the mirror
As hair-time travels, I think of my mother
youthful...how time stands still for her
some people will do anything to stay young.
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Kidatheartwriter reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, that poem is great, and it is so true, about how young one feels when you look back and how some people don’t look old. You should publish this, seriously.
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Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 1 -
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The message here is clear: The speaker’s mother died at a relatively young age, and the speaker feels herself nearing that same age. In doing so, she finds herself pondering her own mortality.
My main suggestion would be to try and avoid repeating certain phrases, ie: “I think of my mother…” This sentiment is expressed four times. Substituting words such as ‘remember’, ‘reminisce’, ‘recall’, and possibly even ‘revive’ would help to alleviate the redundancy, while helping to show that the speaker is thinking about his/her mother in the past tense. Other repeated images include the ‘mirror’ and the idea of time ‘standing still’. ‘Reflection’, as used here, could also allude to the speaker looking back in time; nice word choice. There are many directions you could go with the mirror/time ideas: perhaps play up the magic of the time travelling image by using phrases such as ‘conjure up’ or ‘summon’ in place of ‘thinking of’. Instead of time ‘standing still’, it could be ‘at rest’ or ‘motionless’, alluding to the deceased in an understated manner. Look for words that carry more than one meaning; they will add depth to a poem.
Enormous potential here, and I feel that many will be able to relate to the emotions behind this piece. Thank you for allowing me to read and review your work. :)
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very simple and comprehensible. I enjoyed it’s message. Time gets at all of us, in both visible/physical ways and emotional ways. Maybe the undertone here is that beauty and youth aren’t really so important?
It’s hard not to get a little jarred by your stepping in and out of time, and the punctuation in this piece reflects that same jarring. The repetition isn’t a bad thing, but you could use it less. I couldn’t find any reason for the placement of line breaks, dashes/double-dashes, ellipses.
by do /anything/ do you mean dye hair or stop time?
I liked the use of the words “still” and “roots” because they have double meanings. Your mother being a part of your “roots” and a “still” can be a single frame from a film. Like time has stopped in the movie of your life, and in the movie of your mother’s. Maybe I’m over thinking it.
ockhamdesign reviewed Version 1 -
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The poem is still very rough. I can’t tell if the poems is about how the speaker wants to recapture a past when her mother was still alive and somehow dyeing her hair will do that OR if it’s about how that one moment where the speaker sees her mom in the hospital is now frozen in her memory and she doesn’t want to be like her mother so she’s dyeing her hair.
Also, I don’t think the ellipses work for the poem. I think a comma would do instead.
yoshi_writes reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t get how time stands still to her , is she like in a coma? Overall your poem is very thought provocking but not clear to me. I would be thankfull if you could tell me what you were going to covey.
peter_sitkowski reviewed Version 1 -
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The piece follows a sort of, banality throughout. It deals with something so commonplace and it deals with it in a commonplace fashion. Don’t take this as a criticism, this is a complement.
Clairol – this use of a societal emblem is great, I love these when they are used correctly. This poem seeks to make you feel like you are in an everyday situation and dealing with everyday problems and this sort of thing really enstills that idea for me.
The ending is somewhat shocking, or more, catches you off guard. ‘people will do anything to stay young’. This line gives the poem a purpose, as a societal commentary and a personal commentary.
Keep it up, good stuff.
mcrhi reviewed Version 1 -
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moving with great pace – good work, enjoyed
marebarr reviewed Version 1 -
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This seems like a start of something – keep working it. Bring something new, something pointed – like real fondness for yourself and her, or real lessons. there is some message in here that isn’t quite chiseled yet. the clairol – is it shampoo, or coloring and why is her hair peaking out at the roots? just some of the questions. but i think pieces like this can hang around in your “folder” for a while and you can keep tweaking them so we can identify with your observations and the slice of time that you paint for us.
scent reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice poem, I follow the thoughts really easily. We all struggle with the challenge of getting older, and having memories that are just that, memories.
The flow is lacking for some reason though. It may be because you finish a thought, and then come back to it again just to say it over.
Good poem though, I like it.
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