Journal, Diary, & Blogging / A good woman no more

The raw emotion is evident; there is real talent here!
Rebecca Reece

My favorite part about this was “the day you left mama…” because it:
a) reminds me that every man actually has a mother, although sometimes it can be surprising.
b) maybe the scum in this piece was a mama’s boy
c) helps the reader understand how long this man has been treating women like garbage.

Pointers: I read this piece as intentionally harsh. Switching back and forth from “woman” to “whore” before and after one gets wrapped up with this guy is obvious. It’s too repetitive however. Once I read the word “whore” in the first stanza I thought, “OK, so what else is there?” I would try to change up the word choice if you’re trying to turn this into a poem.

As a diary entry or journal, I’d say you get your point across.

This subject matter is strong. I like how the cycle is portrayed that one will just continue to keep using until another one comes along. “I see you in my mind”
”, is not really the strongest way to begin this, the reader sees in your mind through the poem itself.

Very beautiful poem – well written and brimming with intensity and anger. You did an excellent job of getting your emotions across, with you quick short lines. The word “whore” alone gives the poem a rough feeling, which compliments the theme very well. Enjoyed the read very much!

One thing I noticed: the third line from the beginning seemed off. I feel that this is a very personal poem, and I think I understand what you are intending to say, but on first reading it saying “not from me” made it sound like the speaker has no connection. Perhaps “no longer from me”?

VERY POWERFUL. As a man I must say that I was at one time the same man you spoke of, proverbially speaking of course, and I used words as my key into the hearts of many women, your piece has reminded me of my dark past and I shall say that every man should read this piece to keep the record straight on the ignorance many of us show to the souls of the truly loving women around us. Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading your piece and I hope many more like myself have a chance to read it.

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March 24, 2009

by webwriter

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Thank you.

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Hello,

This assuredly belongs under poetry, for good poetry it is. You say a lot here and are still holding back tremendously powerful emotions. I picture you at the end of an oceans dock, dumping any remnants of him, them. The are the arrows, you are the target who needs to become more elusive, coy, wiser than they, to survive. I just posted a piece entitled ‘drip’ I think you, under these bleak circumstances, with find some pleasure, nicely done here!