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Poetry / In Love
"So, what's it like to be in love?"
Perhaps I'll never know.
I thought I may have found it once,
But it was quick to go.
You see, some could not accept
Hearing their words ignored
By my heart, which doesn't listen,
No matter how much it's implored.
Even worse, they haven't ceased
Since my first love came and went.
If ever a prospect comes along,
Their words only prevent.
Of late, one odd tormentor
Has become a constancy.
Her meddling knows no bounds,
And I'm sure you all will see.
In time, this game may end for me,
In some plotted, reckless duel
With some eager, little twit
And the luck of a damned fool.
Alas, until that day should come,
My love will take its toll
On my heart, which I've discovered
Is quite beyond my control.
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AmyChait reviewed Version 3 -
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This is a good basic love poem, the clarity is good, and ryhming is consistent. I love the last two sentences.
Your very first sentence makes me wonder where it coming from because it is in quotes, is this inpsired by a conversation? Possibly make a descriptive scene about someone asking you about this? and having some hestitance?
“Her meddling knows no bounds” – I’m assuming meddling into you? maybe insert adjective of her alluring power thats meddling into you. and what will we see?
Also, in my opinion, “alas” seems old fashioned and unnecessary – just a personal taste of course.
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SkyeRayven reviewed Version 3 -
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I REALLY like this, the rhyming in it totally pulled it together for a ten for me. I feel I can relate to this which is possibly why I like it so much, but any who, its great.
-Skye
ockhamdesign reviewed Version 3 -
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I had two main issues with the poem. The first was that the poem was all “tell” and no “show”.
It’s really a matter of the speaker and establishing trust. ”Tell” poetry is all one big opinion told by the speaker. For example, “her meddling knows no bounds”. Show me instead. What is an example of what she does that can be interpreted as meddling?
The speaker of the poem says the being in love is beyond his control. Why should we believe him/her?
The second issue is that there are many tools in writing a poem—metaphor, simile, alliteration, allusion, onomatopoeia, etc.
Rhythm and rhyme are the simplest ingredients. Yes, it’s very clever that you included dialogue from the play into the rhyme scheme. But that’s all it is—clever not meaningful.
Consider using other ingredients.
Wave reviewed Version 1 -
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“In love” is a very refreshing poem to see on Urbis. So many other poems are dull or pretentious, but this particular poem is robust with charm and character.The line breaks and structure are modestly divine. Love is one of those big subjects that are risky to write about because of generalizations and cliche’s, but the poem you have written here is totally original. I think this poem is great as is…so sue me. But if you decide to make revision’s, don’t make any hasty decisions to edit right away. Take a couple of days away from the poem and come back to it with a fresh perspective.
scent reviewed Version 1 -
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I feel like it is a very mild take on being in love, which is a weird thing to do since love by its very nature is quite a wild thing. Expressing the way of life that is involved with being in love should be expressed with stronger, more passionate adjectives. This could have just as easily been a poem about a slice of pizza.
Just_Like_Falling reviewed Version 1 -
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Writing it in the voice of a contemporary poet was a good idea, however it comes across that you don’t have a complete grasp on how to sound like a contemporary poet, and therefore it sounds as if its trying to be something more then it is. However as for content the idea was well written and the it was clear for the most part.
horse reviewed Version 1 -
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I quite like the concept of the piece. Your comments were helpful and made the poem more interesting. I daresay that they may be, at least in part, required for the reader to truly appreciate the work.
I do think that the rhyme scheme was a bit constraining in a couple of the stanzas. As an example, the “What’s worse” stanza did not flow as well as most of the others.
In all, I enjoyed this more than I do most rhyming poetry.
I hope this helps—good luck.
Trikss reviewed Version 1 -
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the only problem I foudn with this poem is throughout the whole poem you always added an extra syllalble or so in one of the lines that disrupted the rhythym of the poem slightly, take the first stansa for example,
“In truth, I might never know” – might consider changing it to “In truth, I’ll never know”
As I said, there was always one line throughout the poem that did this, and it is a different line everytime, so it doesn’t seem as though it’s doen by purpose.
I’m just a beginner writer, so please don’t take offense to any criticism I give, just trying to help =)
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