They hover to feed but if you are between them and the feeder they will divebomb buzz you until you move.
Ask the rather weirded out 9 yr old.
Poetry / Snowfall In Springtime
It takes me by surprise.
Like walking past a mirror
and seeing what I am
rather than what I feel.
To start the morning
reveling in the buzz of humming bird's wings
as they dive bomb the unwary
beneath the feeder.
To finish the day
watching in wonder the heavy silent fall of snow
building up a blanket yet again
over earth already budding.
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mesmeriz3 reviewed Version 1 -
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love the part where you say:: “seeing what I am
rather than what I feel”
nice way of putting it- because often we don’t reflect what we feel.
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Jeff0307 reviewed Version 1 -
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How very short and sweet. The first stanza was so well thought out I was afraid to move and be dissapointed by the next, but you held strong till the end.
S1 L1 maybe ending in a comma or semi-colon ?
S2 L3, not sure why you added “the” to unwary.
S3 L1 comma after day? Otherwise it sounds like fragment.
Hope that helps. All the best!
Doctor_Rat reviewed Version 1 -
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A sweet poem, almost haiku-like in its mood. I like its sense of contemplation.
I think the punctuation needs some work [eg full stop at end of first line may be better as a comma, and I’d suggest another comma at the end of line 3]. I like the ‘to start’ and ‘to finish’ motif of the second and third stanzas and that image of blanketed growth [as a reflection of an inner state]. The grammar is a little weird, however [no main verb in either stanzas], and again a comma at the end of the second line of both these stanzas would not go amiss. I think ‘revelling’ has two ‘l’s [as a UK writer, anyway].
But this is being picky, and basically the poem works and just needs a little tidying up.
robinonettey reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a great poem. I have always thought that spring snows are so odd—like going through all four seasons in a day. Opening stanza is perfect. Sets up a metaphor between the earth feeling like spring, looking like winter and human feelings contradicting outer appearance. I think that is strong. I also like “the heavy silent fall of snow.” The vowel sounds slow the line, make it sound heavy (like the snow). The last line, though, syntax seems off somehow (or maybe it is ending on that -ing verb) maybe it could be “over already budding earth.” It seems small, but I think it weakens the line to have that verb there at the end.
A strong piece. Thanks.
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 1 -
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Beautiful first stanza, I think everyone can relate to that. How we all feel something, but the mirror disrupts that with showing how it really is. Except for the first line, the other three really took me in and made me want to read your poem, just for how well you related to everyone.
The second and third stanzas were pure awesome, your imagery of the hummingbird was brilliant, I’d perhaps just change the “divebomb the unwary beaneath the feeder” But I’d only change the beneath the feeder line. As you know, hummingbirds hover to feed, rather than divebomb for food. Perhaps you meant something else here, this is just the imagery I picked up.
Over earth already budding was a great line, it really ended the poem on a good note, maybe add just a little more imagery…”Spring wore the snow like a coat that didn’t fit”? That’s just a suggestion, don’t use it, it’s terrible, I was just giving an example.
But overall, loved it, not one spelling mistake (thank god), and your grammar is flawless. You didn’t use unnecessary comma’s or full stops and everything had great flow. Keep it up!
Carina reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the way you express the spring in the last line without saying the word “Spring”. I like the feeling of the passage of time throughout the day with the overall implication being about the passage of time and the unexpectedness of things, how one feels versus how one appears. I think this is very nicely said. Nice work.
iloveMrsNecessary reviewed Version 1 -
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very good. I’m a little confused by the sequence. I am not so sure why you would put that it takes you by surprise and all of that in the first stanza then go on talking about how the morning starts. i think if you fix that it will read clearer. also, i like the vocabulary use in this piece. overall, awesome!!=]
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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Very, very nice. Particularly the first verse that is strong enough to stand well alone. The second verse is your weakest element here, the second line actually. If you pared it down a few words, I think it would be stronger. For instance if you began the second line of the second verse with “in a buzz” losing “reveling” and “the” or something to that effect. Same thing on the third verse. If you lost the phrase “watching in wonder”, (which is a bit cliche)and replaced it with “in” for instance. Your call, of course and as I’ve already said, this is a very nice poem as is. Good luck with it.
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