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Flash Fiction / Bio-soldiers
My squad leader’s voice crackles in my ear: “…bio-soldiers on the move.”
Positioned in a third story room of the library, I wait. Suddenly, the door explodes from its hinges, a female figure emerging from the smoke. I hesitate, as what was once my wife enters the room--the same sinuous legs and full bosom, but the soulless eyes give her away. Steadying my rifle on my hip, its cadmium-plated stock glinting in the moonlight, I unload several rounds into her luscious form. The rifle recoils, disgusted by its actions, but I know in my heart it must be done.
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WidowodadjiaN reviewed Version 1 -
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Extremely well written. People have difficulty writing to a word a limit; especially short ones like this. You made it clear that there were opposing forces; the bio-soldiers being the “bad side” and the humans being the “good side”. The unnamed husband can be assumed to be the protagonist in this short tale. With so few words to work with, you gave a great amount of detail; which was great! I certainly hope to read more of your work. Keep it up!
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punkypoet reviewed Version 1 -
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Personally I don’t think that you should bind yourself to a word count.
Is this about a video game? It reminds me of the video games my husband and his friends play.
Get rid of “suddenly”. The door exploding from its hinges implies a suddenness. Also, “emerging” should be “emerges” or else “explodes” should be “exploding”. If you are set on “emerging” you could at least change it to “is emerging”. I had to reread the part about the soulless eyes. I assume that her soulless eyes give away the fact that she is now some sort of zombie-like creature? But the way its worded on the first read through I thought you were saying you recognized your wife by her soulless eyes. Maybe you could change “give her away” to “give it away” to show that it’s not a “her” any more. Your wife has become an “it” in her soulless-eyed condition. I like your descriptions of the rifle, but “glinting in the moonlight” is cliche.
Good draft. Tighten up the language and beware of cliches because you’ve chosen a subject often filled with them.
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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The story is pretty good and the use of words--in this limited form--is also effective overall. But, also because of the economy of words, a few of them ring false and you might want to think about replacing them. In the second sentence of the second paragraph for instance, “Suddenly” a door bursts from it’s hinges. Do doors burst from hinges any other way? Later, ”...I unload several rounds into her luscious form” seems out of place. The “familiar body” or something to that effect might be better and more consistent with the soldier’s past attachement and probably lingering affection. ”Luscious” in this case just has a “Chester the Molestor” feel to it that I think detracts from the overall integrity of the piece. I do like “the rifle recoils, disgusted by its actions”. Very nice image there. Good luck with this.
1turkiegirl reviewed Version 1 -
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Your writing is full of action, and the reader is engaged. Your story is exciting, but the description of gun in less important than being ‘born from void’ and emptiness. Are/were both husband & wife soldiers? Instead of focusing on gun, couldn’t the following lines be used to tell genetic-experiment details:
“Steadying my rifle on my hip,
its cadmium-plated stock glinting in the moonlight,
I unload several rounds into her luscious form.
The rifle recoils, disgusted by its actions”
“Positioned in a third story room of the library”
Would rather know what year. Exact location? How many more like wife? Length of time since experiment took place? What has transpired between husband/wife/clone? Who performed genetic-altering?
“once my wife enters the room—the same sinuous legs and full bosom…soulless eyes” This kind of description is more powerful & ‘bitter-sweet’ for reader in my opinion. ;)
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked that one, not as much as your others because there was no twist or unusual end. But the imagery was good “The rifle recoils, disgusted by its actions” that was great.
You’re very very good to be able to do all this in one hundred words. I’m a fan of yours from this point forward.
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