Thank you for the review. Someone else mentioned the poetic feel and pointed out the rhyming at the end: complete/obsolete. This was purely coincidental.
I like your analogy and can totally see how it would fit. But, that’s why you’ve got to keep on learning; stay ahead of the curve, so to speak.
Thank you again. :)
Flash Fiction / Defective Product
The day we arrived home from the hospital with our son was a dream come true. Genetically engineered to have both enhanced beauty and increased intelligence, Max was a joy to behold. For years we enjoyed his presence, watching as he excelled both athletically and academically. The awards and accolades created an avalanche of pride that poured from our fireplace mantel.
That was before new genetic modifications became available. Our expectations became increasingly farther out of reach, and by the time he reached college age, Max could not compete. No longer was our son special - he had become obsolete.
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CraziChick reviewed Version 1 -
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this is good, but to me sound kid of like a poem. it really captures what we are becoming and i think it expresses that in a clever way. exactly 100 words, which matches the rules.
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necessary824 reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece reads like a poem. It had a flow to it that I find a lot of drabbles don’t have. I truly felt many emotions – the joy of a new baby, the hope he will success, and the last was so dismal.
Crazy analogy – but I wonder. I think this applies to our current education system. Go plan for the best, send them to the best, by the time they have perfected the best…the best has changed, and they too are obsolete.
I specifically like the awards he won are not for him but to bolster his parents pride and ego.
Sadly, I don’t think this day is too far off. Great job!
WidowodadjiaN reviewed Version 1 -
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From beginning to end, you painted the emotions of the parents in a very clear cut manner. I really appreciated, as a reader, how you made it clear that Max could be someone – in his time. But time outgrew him and he no longer had a chance in society by the end of your drabble. That is quite hard hitting and completely connects your work to the topic you wrote it for.
hovercraft reviewed Version 1 -
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Really good, wish it could be longer than one hundred words because now I want to know the rest of the story! I like the sci-fi touch; not too in-your-face…I’m not one for sci-fi but quite enjoyed this. Nice job.
Gazala reviewed Version 1 -
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horrifying piece. the content is rather, not the writing. the insensitivity with which you have assessed the situation is what brings out the true essence of this piece-its short, precise, emotionless and that just highlights how pathetic the whole “perfect child” thing is! cant believe people opt for such a thing..:S
“The awards and accolades created an avalanche of pride that poured from our fireplace mantel.”
very strong description especially with the use of fire and ice…
on the whole its quite good! reflects on the whole “human capital” attitude people walk around with as well…
cheers!
1turkiegirl reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting & well written. I believe you have 6-8 words to spare. Could use a better twist or bigger kick. The digression of Max needs to be shocking. I have never written a Drabble, but the ones I’ve read the outcome is not explained so well. Right now, it reads like a prose/poem with the rhyming at end.
Should the ‘moral’ be told? The last line is very telling, if that’s what you intended.
‘Primitive’ + genetic altering? Nice.
I like the idea of conniving & manipulating = chaos = void
Think about mythology, the Greek Tragedy, and the demise of Max.
Max pays the price for parents’ over-ambition, or playing God.
...divine order? fertility gods? idol-worship? the first-born?
mortal/immortal? Lots of questions to consider. ;)
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 1 -
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And your back! This again, was beautiful. Because it actually connected to the real world, it hit the idea of parents expecting too much, needing too much, and forcing too much. This was fantastic, especially the our son was obsolete line. drools That was prose brilliance. You’ve hit my favourites list again. Oh and yet again, same as the rest, no spelling, grammar or punctuation mistakes. Good effort.
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