Yes, definitely going for a negative vibe here. Thank you once again. :)
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Flash Fiction / Her Cup Runneth Over
Joseph and Mary, praying for the holy grail of parenthood (the immaculate child) have sought out one Dr. Solomon.
“I can offer immediate conception upon implantation; a guaranteed birth within nine minutes,” the doctor states.
“Nine minutes! How is that even-,” Joseph stammers.
“I assure you, it is possible.” Dr. Solomon explains the procedure, to which they consent.
Lying supine, Mary’s knees point toward Heaven. Dr. Solomon inserts genetically-enhanced material into her womb.
Ten minutes pass (an eternity) whereupon complications arise. Mary’s abdomen swells like the whale that swallowed Jonah, blood gushing forth like the waters of the great flood.
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necessary824 reviewed Version 1 -
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Your goal was acheived. But, I have to say I think you need one final line. I think there asre certain words that can be eliminated to give you the room to add a short stauncy line like in your other drabbles. You really had me going – and then….pffft on the last line.
I do love her lying supie and the fact that the insertion is material – not life.
Whereupon seems to break up the flow there. I’d get rid of that one.
Does your story insinuate the bibilical story of Mary and Jooseph’s birth was also decitiful and a failure?
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WidowodadjiaN reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the usage of biblical characters for your drabble. It gives the reader the great idea that this doctor is indeed trying to play god; but ultimately fails. Considering the end (Mary’s abdomen swells like the whale that swallowed Jonah, blood gushing forth like the waters of the great flood.), this conception was a failed procedure. If you were aiming to give a negative connotation to genetic experimentation, you have definitely done it here.
steelblue71 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very interseting concept and personally, I think it deserves more than six short paragraphs. This was a bizarre idea for a genetic experiment gone wrong, but it was very creative. I’m slightly confused regarding the following line: Ten minutes pass (an eternity)” is this supposed to be a literal eternity, as an allusion to God’s promise or whatever, or is it just a figure of speech?
Very eerie ending. The Bible allusions are a little overwhelming, but very effective.
Gazala reviewed Version 1 -
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hehehhe i like this one- its like a holy slap in your face…:P i like the way you entwine the stories, it adds to your credibility as a writer and also gives depth…:)
pretty good…:)
1turkiegirl reviewed Version 1 -
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The story is eventful, but the following lines aren’t necessary & the reader can draw these conclusions:
“(the immaculate child)
(an eternity)
genetically-enhanced material”
These words could be better spent on future desires for child or parents worshiping and celebrating perfection:
“Nine minutes!
Dr. Solomon explains the procedure, to which they consent.”
If parents swoon over extraordinary, most-loved, ideas and desires, and then—
a gaping void!
To build suspense, of course I don’t mean to write this, but…don’t count your chickens before they hatch. ;)
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow again. You continue to amaze me. But this one, this one didn’t excel like the others. Whilst yes, she had complications, and yes, there were biblical and technological references, this one did not pack the punch of your others. Not even close. This one seemed more “Do this, do this and you’ll die” Kind of thing. The others were beautifully crafted. Not saying this one is bad, just lesser than the rest. Keep it up though!
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