Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Night Fear

I have a fear. A night time fear. It grows in the darkness, and hides in the day. To look at me you would think me normal. What is normal? Well, you would think it of me if you were to see me. Daytime me is happy, carefree, silly, and you would just never know what is to come in the night.

As the sun begins to set, the fear begins to rise. It is an entity of it’s own, I know that to be true, but it is one that takes over who I am. Every night. It begins with my feeling of dread. The little prickles underneigth my skin letting me know the fear is coming. I become frantic; fear becomes elated. It is about to control me once again, and it feels it’s power rising.

Fear begins to push at my brain, my poor body is just along for the ride. It cannot do anything to stop the fear in my brain. Oh, my body tries, but it shakes and twitches and (my god) evacuates. My insides are coming out, my outsides are turning in. Panic, they call it. Evil is all I know it to be, because I know that by dark it will have total control over me.

Is fear the proper word? There is not one strong enough to explain the true feelings. It is much, much more than fear alone. It is here every night to torture me and torment me, as it throws lies in my face. Ones that I believe in the dark of night, but would never hear of if it were light.

The dark thoughts you push into my mind at this hour are hard to deny, I haven’t the strength, and you fill up my brain. There’s no turning back now, your power has grown and terror takes its place in this game.

I take pills because without them I cannot sleep. I could lie awake night after night with my body fighting this fear. But there is no escaping as its evil enters my dreams. I wake night after night with a blood-curdling scream, my skin drenched in sweat, the bed torn apart. You are really here, my fear. Twisted amongst my dreams, vivid dreams that make me fear you even more- for when I fall back into the realm of sleep, you will intertwine with my thoughts once more.

Some nights you torture me until morning light. Some nights you are gentler and I may only scream twice. Dawn brings the light and you fizzle away like fog off the surface of a lake. With sunlight comes hope, by noon it’s behind me. If you’ve been cruel I will pay being paralyzed through the day. Lack of sleep will do that, but you know that my fear.

Either way, if you were to look at me you may see darkness under my eyes, bloodshot in my eyes, but you would not be able to see through my eyes to where fear lives. Again, I look normal, act normal, try to move about as if everything in my life is normal.

That is, until the sun begins to sink again.

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