I THINK you liked it, but I’m glad you pointed out what you didn’t like. Animals/males was purposeful, and you are the first person to pick up on it. Good effort. To me rapists are animals, thus the connection.
Short Story / Silent Companion
23/03/2010
I was walking some distance behind a girl today, at least a block, she had a lithe figure, and her hips swayed suggestively at any who cared to look. I watched her in quiet contemplation, as one does when walking a long distance.
To her left I saw a group of three males, laughing loudly, I could hear them from where I was walking. I saw them point at her, and their laughter instantly died down as they huddled closer together. A knot formed in my stomach, the kind where you are sure something is definitely wrong, but you're not sure what. I looked back to the girl, her step had increased, a faster, more worried walk.
I sped up too, the males crossed the street, directly adjacent to her, they jogged to catch up. I listened as I closed, they were making lewd suggestive remarks, suddenly they pulled her into a side alley. I did the only thing I could think of, I ran.
I didn't expect to run towards them, I didn't think, I couldn't think. I rounded the corner to them tearing at her clothing, and I flung myself into the centre of them. I tore one off and threw him backwards, his head hit the concrete and he lay still, breathing.
I don't remember what happened next, the world seemed to go black. But when I awoke, the two men were lying on the ground, and the lady was in front of me crying. I walked off, I couldn't speak.
24/03/2010
I think we walk to the same train station, me and the girl, as she was in front of me again today, I placed myself about ten feet behind her, and walked, once she looked back, I saw a nervous smile, and she turned around and continued walking. I continued on and walked with her most of the way to the train station, when we were about fifty metres away, I let her get ahead and enter the station, I'm not sure why I didn't go in with her, it felt intrusive for some reason.
25/03/2010
Again today. This time I was close enough to have her perfume waft backwards, she smelled oddly of coconuts and flowers. It made me smile and remember the country. She looked back today, nodded and smiled, acknowledging my presence, I simply nodded back, her back straightened, and she held her head higher, it was a simple gesture, perhaps self-concious.
26/03/2010
We walked past the group of males again today, sporting two black eyes and another cradling his arm, as we closed, I shortened the distance, until I was but two steps behind her, she sidled closer to me, until we were practically walking side by side, I kept my eyes on the group as we walked past, I think I sneered at one in anger. When we had passed, I let the gap between us increase, as she neared the train station, she turned and nodded and smiled, I let her enter alone, and waited minutes before boarding myself.
27/03/2010
Today she waited for me. As I arrived at her presence, she simply turned and walked directly beside me. She nodded, and smiled. We didn't speak, we walked in complete silence, each of our eyes flickering between the other and the street. As we neared the train station, she nodded again, and walked a little faster, letting me fall behind as I slowed.
30/03/2010
I hadn't seen her for two days, but it was the weekend, and I was not worried, our walks usually occured night times, after work, I felt no protective need to find her through the day. Today however, there she was, waiting quietly, as I arrived she nodded, smiled, and her back instantly straightened, her head tilting back in confidence as she took her silent place beside me. Halfway through our walk she reached to her left, and took my hand. I turned, shocked, and she simply smiled and nodded, as if it acknowledged and assured everything. I nodded, and we continued, I let her continue on her own as we arrived at the station, halfway to the entrance, she turned and looked back, a look of longing spread across her face, and for the first time I faltered, my silent shell lost some of it's strength, and I felt the need to continue on. I didn't.
01/04/2010
Today I arrived to find her face distant, she nodded without smile, she did not take my hand. Something was wrong, or amiss, and I felt the need to ask what had occured. I didn't. I simply said, "Luke" as I pointed at myself. A smile spread it's way across her face as she took my hand, and nodded. We arrived at the train station, and I faltered, unsure of what to do, she did not release my hand as she continued to walk. I followed, like a puppy on a lead. She takes the Cranbourne line, 6:28, I faltered again, my train, my old train before I had met her, now I took the 6:45. I let her get on by herself, and watched as she disappeared down the tunnel.
02/04/2010
She arrived again, smiled, and nodded, pointing at herself she simply said "Catarina", and we continued in silence. We reached the station, and I entered with her, I boarded her train too, she looked perplexed as I continued holding her hand. I simply smiled and nodded, which alleviated most of the concern on her face. I let go of her hand, as we neared my stop, and made my way to the door. She appeared at my side, and reached for the button as we stopped. We both exited, and headed in the same direction, amused smiles playing over both our faces, we walked in the same direction, turned down the same streets, and as we came to mine, she simply looked at the street, turned to me, and nodded. She left, and walked to a house, one that was but five doors away from my own.
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shoppingcartfreedom reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you have a great start with this concept. My biggest complaint was that you climax so quickly that the ending isn’t very exciting. I would almost be inclined to recommend reversing the order. Add more of him following behind her and exchanging smiles, then towards the end, he saved her from the hoodlums. Maybe the first time he sees the hoods, they are just leering at her which inspires his protection.
Short story was the right choice, it is over 1,000 words.
Enough, to the meat!
“she had a lithe figure…” – This first sentence isn’t a run-on but I think starting a new sentence with “She had” would improve the flow and separate the thoughts. I would also like more of a description. Petite, “swaying hips” are most of what the reader knows of her. What about the smile that becomes more important later in the story? More description.
”...as one does” – I need explanation of this thought.
”...increased [to] a faster, more…” – would improve the flow imo. Lots of commas here.
“I listened as I closed,” – the choice of “closed” here confuses me. closed in, maybe?
”...suddenly they…” – This should be a separate sentence. The combination is confusing the flow.
”...I ran.” – Okay, its misdirection, but why? I think he is running away, and I call him a coward in my head, but then… OH
“and flung” – Drop the “I”
“I tore one off” – I like this, but I really want more description of the action. This is really the high point of the story for those of us impervious to the mushy love stuff. Not know what you did next is fine, but give the reader a sense of it. Throwing fists, impact, kicking. Flashes are enough.
I think the nobility of not “violating” her by following her to the train or into the station is a great way to characterize your protagonist.
“I sneered at one …” – You do have a fantastic opportunity to have him flinch at the males. Its pompous and dominant, but it would add an element of humor to the scene.
“usually occurred night times,” – This is the first indication that this is all taking place at night. The picture in my mind was during the day, commuter style. Maybe clarify this earlier?
“I simply said,” – This is the only point in the story where he takes the initiative other than protection. Maybe it would work better if she says her name first, is distant with him, then he says his name. I get the feeling that your protagonist is overly careful not to impose upon her. This seems like an unwarranted action.
“she looked perplexed as I” – Maybe my last point is null. This is an imposition. To keep the noble image of your character, why not have her holding his hand?
Good read. I stopped mentioning comma use because I can tell you are BE and understand you use them slightly different. The thoughts would read cleaner, to me (AE) if they were broken up a bit, though.
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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Your opening sentence is a run-on. A grammar check would solve this.
“males”- makes them sound like animals. If they’re human, call them “men” or “guys” depending on how specific or formal you want to be.
It isn’t clear a first if the narrator is man or a woman, or whether he’s attracted to the woman. These are all important points.
Interesting that he walks off. He helps, but does it coldly.
She sees him again but doesn’t say anything to him? That seems unusual, but the narrator doesn’t comment on this. Can she speak English?
Although “exited” is a word, it doesn’t put much of an image in my mind. Think of your senses- when you step off, is it warm and stuffy in the carriage? Is to a cold winter’s day outside? How does it feel? there isn’t much emotion displayed through the whole story, despite the intensity of what happens
Okay. She lives close, so narrator will probably see her again. Ends on a high note.
You’ve got something good to work on here. Emphasise the narrator’s feelings along with the awkwardness of sparse dialogue.
AnimusLight reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this story. It’s very cute. The only thing that bugs me is that I don’t think someone writing in a journal would narrate like that. I’m pretty sure, reflecting on the day’s events, a journal-writer would be a lot more passive in tense. Instead of “I was,” it would be “I had been.”
I also think that this moves a little slowly, and the repetitions of nods and smiles seems weird. Well, just the nods. Both characters are nodding a lot, and I find that awkward. The occasional nod, sure, and the smiles seem natural. I get that you’re trying to give this sense of a ritual between the two, but could you do something else? Like, she wipes her hair from her face, and then sorta laughs at herself/smiles with teeth or something.. I find a sequence of nods just to be terribly unnatural for Western culture.
emmettrose19 reviewed Version 1 -
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i REALLY loved this. i think this could be turned into a great novel! usually i don’t get much out of a piece that dosen’t use much dialog, but i thought this was amazing. it said so much just by saying so little, great job.
Alexandriagis reviewed Version 1 -
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Awesome… Everything about it, except it’s repetitiveness. She looked, smiled nodded, looked smiled nodded. you could change the words around, make it a little fresher.. I don’t know much, and I’m sure that’s what draws some people in… I love that connection though.
Silent understanding. He’s like a common-day hero, who’s life just improved by meeting this self-assured, thankful, fragile woman.
perfct2u reviewed Version 1 -
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-This seems a more dramatic moment, perhaps a different punctuation is needed. For example: I did the only thing I could think of: I ran!
-Fix this run-on sentence: I didn’t expect to run towards them, I didn’t think, I couldn’t think.
-You are missing a word to make this idiomatically correct: I rounded the corner to [see] them tearing at her clothing…
-Possible way to fix this run-on sentence by making new sentences: I tore one off and threw him backwards[. H]is head hit the concrete and he lay still, [barely] breathing.
-Please fix the other run-on sentences. Even though these are collective entries from other contributors, you can improve the quality by fixing run-on sentences, idiomatic errors, etc.
-Fix verb tense here: I think we walk to the same train station…
-Grammar error: ...me and the girl… -should be written: the girl and I
-Could re-write as: ....once she looked back, I [noticed] a nervous…
-Idiomatic error, presence seems to be wrong word here, try these or similar for clarity: As I arrived at her [spot, place, etc.]...
-How about adding some detail to the meetings of this girl? What was she wearing on a particular day? It seems the narrator becomes attracted to this girl, perhaps you could add some detail into the entries? For example: ...her eyes seemed to lighten as she watched me coming towards her…
-Seems to be missing this: ...she nodded without [a] smile…
-Pronoun agreement. If you start with ‘we’ continue with ‘we’. It makes the sentence easier to follow and concise: We reached the station, and [we entered together]...
-Overall a great story about how little a person can know who their neighbors are. I was watching a recent telephone company commercial and one of the coincidences mentioned that some ninety people just realized they were sitting near the person they were talking to in the same room.
-For having other people contribute to this collection it has amazing cohesiveness. More so than if you think that the author of The Three Musketeers, actually paid different writers to write chapters for his story, with a lot less details in sync with other chapters.
Keep adding on to this and it would be interesting to read another short story using the same methods you used here to piece together a story.
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought your story was simplistic, but eloquently written. Of course there are a few grammatical errors and awkward sentence that could be written better such as. I listened as I closed [I keen my ears to listen as I drew closer.] Also, I would have rather had more detailed action in the fight scene in the alley rather than every thing just going to black and Luke waking up in the next scene. I actually liked the ending. It kind of gave the reader a twist finding out they actually lived on the same street and only 5 doors down from each other. Plus, it’s always good leaving your readers wanting more. Good job!
rollingbolus reviewed Version 1 -
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You could make something of this but at the moment the story lacks bite. In trying to create an aura of mystery you leave the characters fairly empty.
Perhaps you could make the male character a mute – which he seemed to be until the seventh day – or give them more dialogue; aside from the act of kindness there’s nothing for the reader to get their teeth into and by the end of the story you’re only left with a slight impression of them.
Fleshing out the story out with some more description and taking more care with the description you already have would pay off; some of it sounds clunky, for example: A knot formed in my stomach, the kind where you are sure something is definitely wrong, but you’re not sure what --- you could trim this, make it more vivid
and he lay still, breathing --- lose ‘breathing’
‘alleviated the concern on her face’ sounds a tad strange
and….amiss and wrong are synonyms so just choose one
work on this, give it more substance and you may have something
good luck
Naughty_Proton reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this. It’s heart warming (even though it’s not a rating you asked for). You capture the reader’s attention and keep it, which is hard to do. Good job, and I like these characters, keep up the good work, I’d like to hear more from Catrina and Luke =D
stefykg reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the way you’ve built up things. I love how you worded it too. I definately love the ending. I like how you make me want to know more but I just can’t and it seems as though the story will last a lifetime but only lasts a couple pages. the flow is amazing as well. very well done. adding to my favorites.
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