lol I cant really tell you what I already have concluded without other people taking my comment and adding it to their own thoughts. If your that curious, PM me one day and I’ll share my ending with you. :-)
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Short Story / Silent Companion
23/03/2010
I was walking some distance behind a girl today, at least a block, she had a lithe figure, and her hips swayed suggestively at any who cared to look. I watched her in quiet contemplation, as one does when walking a long distance.
To her left I saw a group of three males, laughing loudly, I could hear them from where I was walking. I saw them point at her, and their laughter instantly died down as they huddled closer together. A knot formed in my stomach, the kind where you are sure something is definitely wrong, but you're not sure what. I looked back to the girl, her step had increased, a faster, more worried walk.
I sped up too, the males crossed the street, directly adjacent to her, they jogged to catch up. I listened as I closed, they were making lewd suggestive remarks, suddenly they pulled her into a side alley. I did the only thing I could think of, I ran.
I didn't expect to run towards them, I didn't think, I couldn't think. I rounded the corner to them tearing at her clothing, and I flung myself into the centre of them. I tore one off and threw him backwards, his head hit the concrete and he lay still, breathing.
I don't remember what happened next, the world seemed to go black. But when I awoke, the two men were lying on the ground, and the lady was in front of me crying. I walked off, I couldn't speak.
24/03/2010
I think we walk to the same train station, me and the girl, as she was in front of me again today, I placed myself about ten feet behind her, and walked, once she looked back, I saw a nervous smile, and she turned around and continued walking. I continued on and walked with her most of the way to the train station, when we were about fifty metres away, I let her get ahead and enter the station, I'm not sure why I didn't go in with her, it felt intrusive for some reason.
25/03/2010
Again today. This time I was close enough to have her perfume waft backwards, she smelled oddly of coconuts and flowers. It made me smile and remember the country. She looked back today, nodded and smiled, acknowledging my presence, I simply nodded back, her back straightened, and she held her head higher, it was a simple gesture, perhaps self-concious.
26/03/2010
We walked past the group of males again today, sporting two black eyes and another cradling his arm, as we closed, I shortened the distance, until I was but two steps behind her, she sidled closer to me, until we were practically walking side by side, I kept my eyes on the group as we walked past, I think I sneered at one in anger. When we had passed, I let the gap between us increase, as she neared the train station, she turned and nodded and smiled, I let her enter alone, and waited minutes before boarding myself.
27/03/2010
Today she waited for me. As I arrived at her presence, she simply turned and walked directly beside me. She nodded, and smiled. We didn't speak, we walked in complete silence, each of our eyes flickering between the other and the street. As we neared the train station, she nodded again, and walked a little faster, letting me fall behind as I slowed.
30/03/2010
I hadn't seen her for two days, but it was the weekend, and I was not worried, our walks usually occured night times, after work, I felt no protective need to find her through the day. Today however, there she was, waiting quietly, as I arrived she nodded, smiled, and her back instantly straightened, her head tilting back in confidence as she took her silent place beside me. Halfway through our walk she reached to her left, and took my hand. I turned, shocked, and she simply smiled and nodded, as if it acknowledged and assured everything. I nodded, and we continued, I let her continue on her own as we arrived at the station, halfway to the entrance, she turned and looked back, a look of longing spread across her face, and for the first time I faltered, my silent shell lost some of it's strength, and I felt the need to continue on. I didn't.
01/04/2010
Today I arrived to find her face distant, she nodded without smile, she did not take my hand. Something was wrong, or amiss, and I felt the need to ask what had occured. I didn't. I simply said, "Luke" as I pointed at myself. A smile spread it's way across her face as she took my hand, and nodded. We arrived at the train station, and I faltered, unsure of what to do, she did not release my hand as she continued to walk. I followed, like a puppy on a lead. She takes the Cranbourne line, 6:28, I faltered again, my train, my old train before I had met her, now I took the 6:45. I let her get on by herself, and watched as she disappeared down the tunnel.
02/04/2010
She arrived again, smiled, and nodded, pointing at herself she simply said "Catarina", and we continued in silence. We reached the station, and I entered with her, I boarded her train too, she looked perplexed as I continued holding her hand. I simply smiled and nodded, which alleviated most of the concern on her face. I let go of her hand, as we neared my stop, and made my way to the door. She appeared at my side, and reached for the button as we stopped. We both exited, and headed in the same direction, amused smiles playing over both our faces, we walked in the same direction, turned down the same streets, and as we came to mine, she simply looked at the street, turned to me, and nodded. She left, and walked to a house, one that was but five doors away from my own.
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burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
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“I watched her in quiet contemplation, as one does when walking a long distance.”
I can’t relate to this. Is this what one does when walking a long distance? I usually think about things in my own life, take in the scenery.
“I could hear them from where I was walking”
Cut the “from where I was walking.” That’s implied already.
“A knot formed in my stomach…”
That’s where I’d cut this one. Resist the urge to explain. RUE.
“I did the only thing I could think of, I ran.”
You are having a number of punctuation problems. In this instance, your comma should be a semi-colon, because you are joining two separate sentences that express one common idea. But mostly, you should read up on proper punctuation in something like “The Elements of Style” by Strunk and White. That’s my best advice.
“I continued on and walked with her most of the way to the train station, when we were about fifty metres away, I let her get ahead and enter the station, I’m not sure why I didn’t go in with her, it felt intrusive for some reason.”
This is 4 separate sentences spliced with commas. The only comma that belongs is ”...away, I let…” The rest should be periods.
Anyway… the story itself is a bit disappointing. The beginning is full of tense action. Then it just becomes awkward uncertainty. Then, there’s a partial resolution, but it doesn’t feel complete.
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LexiLane reviewed Version 1 -
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-‘I was walking some distance behind a girl today, at least a block, she had a lithe figure, and her hips swayed suggestively at any who cared to look.’
You did not specify to correct grammar, but seeing as you are looking for a publishing rank, I assume you would like this published. In that case, I feel you may want grammar considered in reviews… I think you need, preferably, a semi-colon after ‘at least a block’ – it does not flow well at all as is. I love the description of her walking – but it is a separate sentence part (for my lack of explaining this better).
-‘I listened as I closed, they were making lewd suggestive remarks, suddenly they pulled her into a side alley.’
Again – sorry! – the punctuation here…. after ‘lewd suggestive remarks’, you need to end the sentence. . . . There are actually quite a few others I noticed throughout and would have been a bit of a lot to copy/paste. I know you’ll catch them – they are all run on sentences, or two sentences combined in a way that can be fixed easily. A trick that always helps me out in punctuation with my writing (because we all overlook it at times) is that I go back and read each piece that I finish out loud to myself. I most always correct myself simply from hearing the inflection in my voice due to my first-draft choice of grammar.
-I loved the two characters quiet relationship – especially the way they gave each other their names. I was very fitting, I think, of their relationship. And it definitely made me want to read more to understand more of their budding relationship!
-So the ending made me think that the two were already in some sort of relationship with one another? Even if not in a lover-type relationship…but I am not sure. I suppose this is the beauty of you leaving us hanging to figure our own ending to the story. I liked that you gave that option, but I also wonder what YOU would have concluded….I liked the piece a lot overall. :)
butterfly323 reviewed Version 1 -
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I very much enjoyed your story. You did a great job at keeping the readers’ attention, it made me want to continue on. Be careful, though, of your run-on sentences. Also, stay consistent. In the beginning there were three men, then after the fight he woke up and “the two men were lying on the ground”. That suggests that there were only two men to begin with. Maybe think about changing that to “two of the men were lying on the ground”. I think you could expand this into a great story.
EllePepper reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very good start. I think what is needed is just some tightening, it lacks some emotional punch, but mostly because there is no sense of place. Even if I had a little more description I think I would be happy.
I actually like this I’m not generally for things of this type but I found this to be a pleasant surprise, are you planning to revise this at all, if so, I would be interested in re-reading this. Over all it just needs tightening of the word choice, make the ‘voice’ stronger.
Wytchcat reviewed Version 1 -
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“I sped up too, the males crossed the street…” Period after too. Capitalize for new sentence “The males..”
”...her, they jogged…” should be ”..jogging to catch up.” since you start the sentence with “The males..”
“I listened as I closed, they were making lewd suggestive remarks, suddenly they pulled her into a side alley.” This is essentially three sentence fragments pulled into one sentence. If you want the narrators voice to be sparse then make them short sentences otherwise end the sentence at ”...rmearks.” Maybe “I listened, as I closed on the group, to their lewd remarks.” New sentence at “Suddenly…”
The description of events on 24/03/2010 leads one to assume they walked side by side that day but it isn’t until 25/03/2010 he is close enough behind her to smell her perfume?
Ok, the sentence fragments strung together as sentences are maddening!
The story is interesting up to a point and then it just becomes so hard to believe that I have a hard time with it. And really no great cliffhanger at the end other than “Can either of them actually speak more than their name?”
Underscore79 reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s definitely an interesting idea, and I was curious enough to finish. That being said, the more I read, the more annoyed I became that she seemed to show up again for the same train and not choose a different route, any alternative route. Now, I know that there wouldn’t be a story here if she did. However, it just seemed so out of character that I spent more time thinking about that then the slow progression between the two characters. Also, I wish you would break up the sentences a little rather than combining them into a series of run-ons contributed to an excessive use of commas.
I liked the idea that the two characters actually lived so close in proximity. However, I didn’t feel like the story ended, leaving me hanging. Instead, it was rather bland.
I don’t intend to sound overly critical. In fact, I think if you spent a little more time trying to find different ways to build on the suspense, anticipation and uncertainty one feels when trying to get closer to someone this could turn into a much better piece.
Good luck.
necessary824 reviewed Version 1 -
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23/3/2010
“block, she had a lithe figure” – period instead of comma
” loudly, I could hear ” – period instead of comma
her, they jogged – either a period or a semi-colon
of, I ran. – either here again. I’d prob go with semi-colon to give it a smoother transition.
I didn’t expect to run towards them, I didn’t think, I couldn’t think. – periods – not commas. they are complete thoughts.
backwards, his head hit the concrete and he lay still, breathing – backwards; his head hit…
next, the world seemed to go black. – period no comma
I walked off, I couldn’t speak. -period no comma
Notes: love it – very well stated – not overly described leaves some for me, as the reader to imagine. I want to keep reading! Good! Biggest thing is an over use of commas and an underuse of periods.
24/3/2010
today, I placed - period not comma
and walked, – period not comma
back, I saw – either a period or semi colon depending on the flow you want it to have
station, when we – period
station, I’m not – period
with her, it felt intrusive – semi colon
25/3/2010
backwards, she smelled - I would mark this as a semi colon – perhaps even colon
presence, I – period
higher, it was – period or semi colon
past, I think - period
increase, as she - period
smiled, I let period
30/3/2010
worried, our walks - period
quietly, as – period
continued, I let her continue - period
1/4/2010
face distant, she nodded without smile, she did - 2 periods
I simply said – new paragraph with this line.
A smile spread it’s way across her face - new paragraph here too.
of what to do, she period
, 6:28, I faltered – period
2/4/2010
simply said “Catarina”, and we – comma inside quote mark
her, I boarded - period
hand, as we neared - no comma – no pnctuation
our faces, we walked in the – period
Overall: Beautifully done – I don’t care what anyone says this is a well crafted short story – it just happens to be in expository form. Just work on that punctuation. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!
26/3/2010
behind her, she – period
side, I kept – period
arm, as – period
platespinner reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very well written. Very descriptive A knot formed in my stomach, the kind where you are sure something is definitely wrong, but you’re not sure what.
You could maybe describe the males more or leave it up to the imagination. When I picture this happening during the day it is hard to beleive no one noticing the act of violence. Also the three males not looking for some reprisals for beating them up. Usually a beating is not going to scare off a gang of rapists.
Very artistic and well written.
byebyebirdie reviewed Version 1 -
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Very great story, really well written. I gave it a 5 out of 10 in the publishing categories because I think people would be more inclined to publish it if it was not written in first person perspective..
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Even though this was kind of unbelievable I liked the idea. I like when people make reading fun…so you doing it as diary entries made it something different. They werent any big grammar errors. The ending was complex…you left us hanging plus you also laughed at the fact that she lived only five doors away.
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