Wow, seems I missed a terrible amount of punctuation eh? Thank you for critiquing it :-) I’m really glad you enjoyed it though!
Short Story / Silent Companion
23/03/2010
I was walking some distance behind a girl today, at least a block, she had a lithe figure, and her hips swayed suggestively at any who cared to look. I watched her in quiet contemplation, as one does when walking a long distance.
To her left I saw a group of three males, laughing loudly, I could hear them from where I was walking. I saw them point at her, and their laughter instantly died down as they huddled closer together. A knot formed in my stomach, the kind where you are sure something is definitely wrong, but you're not sure what. I looked back to the girl, her step had increased, a faster, more worried walk.
I sped up too, the males crossed the street, directly adjacent to her, they jogged to catch up. I listened as I closed, they were making lewd suggestive remarks, suddenly they pulled her into a side alley. I did the only thing I could think of, I ran.
I didn't expect to run towards them, I didn't think, I couldn't think. I rounded the corner to them tearing at her clothing, and I flung myself into the centre of them. I tore one off and threw him backwards, his head hit the concrete and he lay still, breathing.
I don't remember what happened next, the world seemed to go black. But when I awoke, the two men were lying on the ground, and the lady was in front of me crying. I walked off, I couldn't speak.
24/03/2010
I think we walk to the same train station, me and the girl, as she was in front of me again today, I placed myself about ten feet behind her, and walked, once she looked back, I saw a nervous smile, and she turned around and continued walking. I continued on and walked with her most of the way to the train station, when we were about fifty metres away, I let her get ahead and enter the station, I'm not sure why I didn't go in with her, it felt intrusive for some reason.
25/03/2010
Again today. This time I was close enough to have her perfume waft backwards, she smelled oddly of coconuts and flowers. It made me smile and remember the country. She looked back today, nodded and smiled, acknowledging my presence, I simply nodded back, her back straightened, and she held her head higher, it was a simple gesture, perhaps self-concious.
26/03/2010
We walked past the group of males again today, sporting two black eyes and another cradling his arm, as we closed, I shortened the distance, until I was but two steps behind her, she sidled closer to me, until we were practically walking side by side, I kept my eyes on the group as we walked past, I think I sneered at one in anger. When we had passed, I let the gap between us increase, as she neared the train station, she turned and nodded and smiled, I let her enter alone, and waited minutes before boarding myself.
27/03/2010
Today she waited for me. As I arrived at her presence, she simply turned and walked directly beside me. She nodded, and smiled. We didn't speak, we walked in complete silence, each of our eyes flickering between the other and the street. As we neared the train station, she nodded again, and walked a little faster, letting me fall behind as I slowed.
30/03/2010
I hadn't seen her for two days, but it was the weekend, and I was not worried, our walks usually occured night times, after work, I felt no protective need to find her through the day. Today however, there she was, waiting quietly, as I arrived she nodded, smiled, and her back instantly straightened, her head tilting back in confidence as she took her silent place beside me. Halfway through our walk she reached to her left, and took my hand. I turned, shocked, and she simply smiled and nodded, as if it acknowledged and assured everything. I nodded, and we continued, I let her continue on her own as we arrived at the station, halfway to the entrance, she turned and looked back, a look of longing spread across her face, and for the first time I faltered, my silent shell lost some of it's strength, and I felt the need to continue on. I didn't.
01/04/2010
Today I arrived to find her face distant, she nodded without smile, she did not take my hand. Something was wrong, or amiss, and I felt the need to ask what had occured. I didn't. I simply said, "Luke" as I pointed at myself. A smile spread it's way across her face as she took my hand, and nodded. We arrived at the train station, and I faltered, unsure of what to do, she did not release my hand as she continued to walk. I followed, like a puppy on a lead. She takes the Cranbourne line, 6:28, I faltered again, my train, my old train before I had met her, now I took the 6:45. I let her get on by herself, and watched as she disappeared down the tunnel.
02/04/2010
She arrived again, smiled, and nodded, pointing at herself she simply said "Catarina", and we continued in silence. We reached the station, and I entered with her, I boarded her train too, she looked perplexed as I continued holding her hand. I simply smiled and nodded, which alleviated most of the concern on her face. I let go of her hand, as we neared my stop, and made my way to the door. She appeared at my side, and reached for the button as we stopped. We both exited, and headed in the same direction, amused smiles playing over both our faces, we walked in the same direction, turned down the same streets, and as we came to mine, she simply looked at the street, turned to me, and nodded. She left, and walked to a house, one that was but five doors away from my own.
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stefykg reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the way you’ve built up things. I love how you worded it too. I definately love the ending. I like how you make me want to know more but I just can’t and it seems as though the story will last a lifetime but only lasts a couple pages. the flow is amazing as well. very well done. adding to my favorites.
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necessary824 reviewed Version 1 -
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23/3/2010
“block, she had a lithe figure” – period instead of comma
” loudly, I could hear ” – period instead of comma
her, they jogged – either a period or a semi-colon
of, I ran. – either here again. I’d prob go with semi-colon to give it a smoother transition.
I didn’t expect to run towards them, I didn’t think, I couldn’t think. – periods – not commas. they are complete thoughts.
backwards, his head hit the concrete and he lay still, breathing – backwards; his head hit…
next, the world seemed to go black. – period no comma
I walked off, I couldn’t speak. -period no comma
Notes: love it – very well stated – not overly described leaves some for me, as the reader to imagine. I want to keep reading! Good! Biggest thing is an over use of commas and an underuse of periods.
24/3/2010
today, I placed - period not comma
and walked, – period not comma
back, I saw – either a period or semi colon depending on the flow you want it to have
station, when we – period
station, I’m not – period
with her, it felt intrusive – semi colon
25/3/2010
backwards, she smelled - I would mark this as a semi colon – perhaps even colon
presence, I – period
higher, it was – period or semi colon
past, I think - period
increase, as she - period
smiled, I let period
30/3/2010
worried, our walks - period
quietly, as – period
continued, I let her continue - period
1/4/2010
face distant, she nodded without smile, she did - 2 periods
I simply said – new paragraph with this line.
A smile spread it’s way across her face - new paragraph here too.
of what to do, she period
, 6:28, I faltered – period
2/4/2010
simply said “Catarina”, and we – comma inside quote mark
her, I boarded - period
hand, as we neared - no comma – no pnctuation
our faces, we walked in the – period
Overall: Beautifully done – I don’t care what anyone says this is a well crafted short story – it just happens to be in expository form. Just work on that punctuation. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!
26/3/2010
behind her, she – period
side, I kept – period
arm, as – period
Olive147 reviewed Version 1 -
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I thoroughly enjoyed this. It’s great! I can’t really think of anything to critique you on, which is a good thing! Or I’m just unimaginative…anyways, great work, keep it up!
platespinner reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very well written. Very descriptive A knot formed in my stomach, the kind where you are sure something is definitely wrong, but you’re not sure what.
You could maybe describe the males more or leave it up to the imagination. When I picture this happening during the day it is hard to beleive no one noticing the act of violence. Also the three males not looking for some reprisals for beating them up. Usually a beating is not going to scare off a gang of rapists.
Very artistic and well written.
byebyebirdie reviewed Version 1 -
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Very great story, really well written. I gave it a 5 out of 10 in the publishing categories because I think people would be more inclined to publish it if it was not written in first person perspective..
LexiLane reviewed Version 1 -
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-‘I was walking some distance behind a girl today, at least a block, she had a lithe figure, and her hips swayed suggestively at any who cared to look.’
You did not specify to correct grammar, but seeing as you are looking for a publishing rank, I assume you would like this published. In that case, I feel you may want grammar considered in reviews… I think you need, preferably, a semi-colon after ‘at least a block’ – it does not flow well at all as is. I love the description of her walking – but it is a separate sentence part (for my lack of explaining this better).
-‘I listened as I closed, they were making lewd suggestive remarks, suddenly they pulled her into a side alley.’
Again – sorry! – the punctuation here…. after ‘lewd suggestive remarks’, you need to end the sentence. . . . There are actually quite a few others I noticed throughout and would have been a bit of a lot to copy/paste. I know you’ll catch them – they are all run on sentences, or two sentences combined in a way that can be fixed easily. A trick that always helps me out in punctuation with my writing (because we all overlook it at times) is that I go back and read each piece that I finish out loud to myself. I most always correct myself simply from hearing the inflection in my voice due to my first-draft choice of grammar.
-I loved the two characters quiet relationship – especially the way they gave each other their names. I was very fitting, I think, of their relationship. And it definitely made me want to read more to understand more of their budding relationship!
-So the ending made me think that the two were already in some sort of relationship with one another? Even if not in a lover-type relationship…but I am not sure. I suppose this is the beauty of you leaving us hanging to figure our own ending to the story. I liked that you gave that option, but I also wonder what YOU would have concluded….I liked the piece a lot overall. :)
shoppingcartfreedom reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you have a great start with this concept. My biggest complaint was that you climax so quickly that the ending isn’t very exciting. I would almost be inclined to recommend reversing the order. Add more of him following behind her and exchanging smiles, then towards the end, he saved her from the hoodlums. Maybe the first time he sees the hoods, they are just leering at her which inspires his protection.
Short story was the right choice, it is over 1,000 words.
Enough, to the meat!
“she had a lithe figure…” – This first sentence isn’t a run-on but I think starting a new sentence with “She had” would improve the flow and separate the thoughts. I would also like more of a description. Petite, “swaying hips” are most of what the reader knows of her. What about the smile that becomes more important later in the story? More description.
”...as one does” – I need explanation of this thought.
”...increased [to] a faster, more…” – would improve the flow imo. Lots of commas here.
“I listened as I closed,” – the choice of “closed” here confuses me. closed in, maybe?
”...suddenly they…” – This should be a separate sentence. The combination is confusing the flow.
”...I ran.” – Okay, its misdirection, but why? I think he is running away, and I call him a coward in my head, but then… OH
“and flung” – Drop the “I”
“I tore one off” – I like this, but I really want more description of the action. This is really the high point of the story for those of us impervious to the mushy love stuff. Not know what you did next is fine, but give the reader a sense of it. Throwing fists, impact, kicking. Flashes are enough.
I think the nobility of not “violating” her by following her to the train or into the station is a great way to characterize your protagonist.
“I sneered at one …” – You do have a fantastic opportunity to have him flinch at the males. Its pompous and dominant, but it would add an element of humor to the scene.
“usually occurred night times,” – This is the first indication that this is all taking place at night. The picture in my mind was during the day, commuter style. Maybe clarify this earlier?
“I simply said,” – This is the only point in the story where he takes the initiative other than protection. Maybe it would work better if she says her name first, is distant with him, then he says his name. I get the feeling that your protagonist is overly careful not to impose upon her. This seems like an unwarranted action.
“she looked perplexed as I” – Maybe my last point is null. This is an imposition. To keep the noble image of your character, why not have her holding his hand?
Good read. I stopped mentioning comma use because I can tell you are BE and understand you use them slightly different. The thoughts would read cleaner, to me (AE) if they were broken up a bit, though.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Even though this was kind of unbelievable I liked the idea. I like when people make reading fun…so you doing it as diary entries made it something different. They werent any big grammar errors. The ending was complex…you left us hanging plus you also laughed at the fact that she lived only five doors away.
Alexandriagis reviewed Version 1 -
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Awesome… Everything about it, except it’s repetitiveness. She looked, smiled nodded, looked smiled nodded. you could change the words around, make it a little fresher.. I don’t know much, and I’m sure that’s what draws some people in… I love that connection though.
Silent understanding. He’s like a common-day hero, who’s life just improved by meeting this self-assured, thankful, fragile woman.
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought your story was simplistic, but eloquently written. Of course there are a few grammatical errors and awkward sentence that could be written better such as. I listened as I closed [I keen my ears to listen as I drew closer.] Also, I would have rather had more detailed action in the fight scene in the alley rather than every thing just going to black and Luke waking up in the next scene. I actually liked the ending. It kind of gave the reader a twist finding out they actually lived on the same street and only 5 doors down from each other. Plus, it’s always good leaving your readers wanting more. Good job!
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