Thanks, DC, good eye as always. Actually, I’ve already addressed the rain and some of the other problems you point out. This is the first version and I’ve posted a third. How are things?
Flash Fiction / Samaritan (Analysis)
Tiffany opened the door. It was raining.
A young man stood there. Wet. She had seen him at the café.
“This yours?” he asked, holding her scarf.
“Yes,” she said. “I thought I’d lost it.”
“You had.”
She smiled.
“I guess so. Come in out of the rain.”
She stood aside and he entered.
“How did you know where to find me?”
“I overheard you on your cell. Talking to your friend.”
“Bad habit,” she said. “Forgetting you’re not alone.”
“Yes.”
“Anyway, thanks. You’re a really nice guy.”
“Me?” he said. “No, hon. I’m a monster.”
He closed the door.
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TheSatch reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, I like it. Nice little shock at the end. Plus, I think it’s a sign of good flash when the title, even at a single word, adds something to the story not present in the story itself. So nice work there.
you’re a bit over the 100-word mark, but I would consider trimming some of the dialogue and adding a few more beats. There’s a line or two that could save you a few words and perhaps even add to the drama. For example:
“I overheard you on your cell. Talking to your friend.”
might work as
“Heard you on your cell.”
Save you a few words anyway as I’m not sure that the second sentence there is needed.
A few more trims like that and you could have a few dozen words to add back in beats and description.
Great start! keep it up!
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Disturbing. Good. Trust is a nasty thing.
A few places to save words:
Incorporate the raining somewhere else: deleting the three words about the rain and substituting Wet from rain would give you a word.
“You found it!” would give you 2 words.
“You had.” seems superfluous. I’d cut it.
“I guess so.” = “Guess so.” +1word
“Yes.” A throwaway response. This is where you need to use the words you’ve saved by economizing.
”...a really nice…” Use a word that means really nice +1word
imagevoxstudio reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this piece. I don’t know that I have anything critical of substance to offer, as I think I like this one completely, as is. It is like a photograph…a bit multidimensional…one will take from it and recognize what one needs from it…but they will take something from it…and add something, at least mentally to it, because of the way it is presented. Well done…I like it.
Cheers.
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting twist, but it’s not foreshadowed enough. Besides, would she really invite a complete stranger in? That’s a big leap of faith you’re asking of the reader, and not everyone is going to buy it.
Also, to help economize your word count, I’d drop the “she said/ he saids” in lines 4, 11, and 15. The reader can get a clear enough idea of who’s speaking without them, and that saves you space to use otherwise. Also, changing “she had seen him” to “she’d seen him” does the same thing.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi Howard, i am giving you some different ideas. “You had.” What about “You did?”
“I overheard you talking on the cell to your friend.”
Wouldn’t she close the door? It was her door.
“Me? he said, No, hon. I’m a monster
He bowed and she closed the door.”
This gives it a kind of ghoulish, feel. However, it’s nice and creepy the way it is. I merely made some suggetions. Excellent work as usual. Sandi
ispeaknonsensestuff reviewed Version 1 -
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haunting ending. ^^
i imagine a country setting, rural.
people are far too hospitable ‘round there.
~GBÜ
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 1 -
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Jesus. Well aren’t you just awesome for conducting an entire story (and a freaky scary as hell one at that) in just 100 words. Seriously, seriously awesome. I liked the flirtatious banter to begin with, that started off like it might go somewhere, that just flipped on it’s head, to turn the guy into someone that would scare the crap out of you (I can actually visualise him saying the last line, with an evil smile, as he closes the door, and walks towards her.) This is a little peice that would be interesting in a womans magazine to see the reaction the public would give it. Because even as a guy it made me shiver a little at the thought of it.
Brilliant. I applaud you! :-)
necessary824 reviewed Version 1 -
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I wonder if the use of the title Samaritan is a reference to the word in biblical terms? If so, the fact that it’s not a “good samaritan” is very telling.
Your specific reference to that he knew it was a “friend” she was on the phone with lets me know that he really is a monster – he was listening close enough to know it was a friend, not a relative or significant other. Intentional?
You spend 10 words talking about rain – essential 10% of this piece. It leads to a dark tone. This seems to almost push the reader into a certain interpretation. Do you want to leave this open a little more for what the guys intentions are?
Duality – could be he’s a nice guy – could be he’s a creep. The ambiguity of the entrance adds to the duality. The fact that there is no knock means that he might have beaten her there.
platespinner reviewed Version 1 -
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“Me?” he said. “No, hon. I’m a monster.”
He closed the door.
I like the ending. I guess being that it is flash fiction it is supposed to be short. There could be more depth to the conversation. I thought the casual nature of the conversation was good but I would think there should be more excitement or shock in the voice of the women once the phone was found.
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