Thanks for that, very insightful :). I think though, I’ll use this advice more in future works? This piece has become a bit ingrained in me =P, and I’d really hate to change it. I will however, have a few read throughs, and consider some changes! :)
Poetry / Mind's Music
Smile as a fixed door of sight
Witness the brightness fade from the light
Strike the Ancient, fly from the moon
Find out your mind; the only thing that's true.
Give the Lord a sign, a sign of the night:
Never give up, to fail is to fight.
For into the shore, does meaning lie
Broken moonlight beams, beginning to strive
"Hate thyself, but not another.
Give no way to one not a brother.
Vengeance shall sustain a rotten core,
But remember, the thirst shall always want for more.
Blood to drink, and birds to fly:
But never, ever, one to die."
Falling midnight, holy ways -
Shall not be lost within mind's maze
For envious streaks of time, and space
Do not withdraw with grace:
From eternal; long awaited Fall
Of angel night, and beast to maul
Pay strict heed to one long note.
Complex sound, on ears to grate
A million hissing wheels, an impossible day
From world's good graces, our lives to lay.
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throughxthexfire reviewed Version 1 -
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“For envious streaks of time, and space
Do not withdraw with grace”
i don’t like how close space and grace are. the rest of the poem, the rhyming words are further apart, and i like that better.
Apart from small things like that, I liked the poem. It flowed pretty nicely, but as with every thing, could be better. But for what it is, I think it’s really good. :]
imvanessaclark reviewed Version 1 -
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i love that you’re confident enough to state that you like your work. that’s good to have. i enjoyed reading this as well. i love the sound and the rhythm is nice and consistent and overall i love your word choices. this poem has a very nice sound and flow. i love when people insert quotes in their poems.
Lepre_Khan reviewed Version 1 -
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As you say, this is an older piece and could probably afford to be reformed.
First, purely technically, you have a lot of slant or non rhymes that ought to be fixed: moon/true, lie/strive, and note/grate. They’re especially weak because they start and close the poem.
Also technically, your rhyme is inconsistent and could use some tightening. Count the syllables and stresses. Slight variations are ok, but this is a little erratic.
More generally, all your lines are self-contained which leads to a rather choppy feel AND breaks up your images. There’s no need to end the phrase at the end of each line, it would be quite effective for you to stretch out a phrase from line to line and, also, to carry on an image for more than a quick reference. For example, you briefly mention “fly from the moon” and then move on into rather abstract instructions “never give up, to fail is to fight.” That’s a good line, but it’s very vague. If you could give us more solid imagery (ie, flying from the moon) the abstractions would be better served.
Anyway, it is a good start and I hope I get to see some future edits!
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