Aha, thanks. Hadn’t noticed that xD. Really should re-read through these.
Thanks for the review!
Poetry / Worth the climb?
When you stand on the crest of the hill
And look out onto the world that’s standing still
Do you think that you’ve won or lost?
Have you missed the fine line.
Between love, and a waste of time?
When you hold the scissors in your hand
And see you golden hair falling strand by strand
Do you think you’ve reached a promised land?
Or someplace else, where you’d rather not say
If there’s a difference between the night and the day.
And you know what I think?
And what is it I find?
I find that sometimes, it’s not worth the climb.
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cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s a tricky business working with rhyme. Here you have no discernible pattern. Since you’re working with 13 lines, I might suggest adopting something like a rondel or roundel. Go one more line and you’re into sonnet length. I guess what I’m saying is, be sure of your form before your rhyme. The magic of rhyming verse is in the form. Alternatively, you could go with a simple couplet form, either abab or aabb.
Your metre changes up but mostly you seem to work with an anapaestic foot, i.e., L1, S1 or S3. Watch the metre!
Content-wise it is ok. You have a goal and a theme and you explore that in this poem. However, the focus on rhyme has meant that the narrative is sparse on strong imagery or other poetic devices, which could really lift this piece up. What I’m talking about is assonance/consonance/alliteration. Let the rhythm be carried by more than the last line of every stanza!
Keep at it.
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JesusFreak reviewed Version 1 -
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has a really niice flow to and shows an image of what the person may be writing about,
And see you golden hair falling strand by strand
“your”
CraziChick reviewed Version 1 -
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The cutting of the hair doesn’t quite fit with the topic maybe adding some other stanzas to make more sense would work out a lot better
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