This is actually the first chapter of a book I am writing. I just threw it up here for the public’s general opinion to see if the characters were worth pursuing.
Thanks for the grammar/transitional stuff.
Short Story / The Date
"Pass the salt please?" I asked, not realizing the salt was already on my side of the table.
"How am I supposed to do that?" she asked back, with genuine confusion in her voice?
Another unthought-out, nervous, mess of a date was already started, and it wasn't going favorably for me since she arrived at the reastaraunt. The hostess let me choose the table, and I picked the first one I saw; the large table underneath the flickering light bulb. You would have thought the two crying children at the table next to me would have inspired me to pick a different spot. But no, not my nervous decision making. I picked the one with gum on the carpet underneath its chairs, and grafitti scratched in on her side of the table. And when I take a look at myself in my spoon, all I see is the spot on my neck that I missed shaving. Can you picture a smooth shaven neck, with just a stripe of hair right to the left of my Adam's Apple? Pathetic. I instantly started thinking of what kind of joke I could make to my looming date to make light of my hairy mishap.
Before I have time to finish thinking, there she is. Looking great in her modest red vest over her long sleeve white sweatshirt. Her long blonde hair alone was more beautiful than all of my best features put together. Even her walk was full of poise and grace. As she walked towards my table, inwardly I felt like she was walking to the wrong one. A girl like this shouldn't be walking to a table with a skinny, poorly dressed, stuttering grocery store bagger sitting in its chair. She should be heading to the table at the classy restaraunt downtown to meet the athletic, stylish, and charming lawyer who looks like he would be a much better fit with her than I. But I didn't entertain that thought for long, this babe was my date for the day and I was about to unleash every ounce of charm and sweetness that I had inside of me.
"Kim?" I asked, as I stood up to meet her as she made it to the table,
"Yes." she said with an obviously nervous smile. "Donald?"
"That's me. Or at least, that's who I've been pretending to be my whole life!" I said with a laugh.
She looked at me like I wasn't speaking English, but catching my laughter, she barely remembered to give me a courtesy laugh and smile.
"Sit down" I said, "How was the drive? Did you have trouble finding a place to park? Do I look the same in person as I do in my picture?"
See, that's my ace plan. Ask about three questions in a row, and she has the option of picking which one she wants to answer first, and it gets the conversation going quicker. No ackward silences for me.
"Well, the drive was about ten minutes, there's plenty of parking, and yeah I recognized you."
My three questions were over in about three seconds. That meant that I'd have to be quick with this one, think on my feet.
"So have you ever been to this restaraunt before?" I asked.
" Many times. I think everyone has." she answered.
At that moment, I froze. Here I was, preparing myself to think fast, be sweet, and impress her like no one has, and I can't even think of a new question two minutes into the date. So I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind.
"So how many men have you met off of the dating web site?" I can't believe I said.
"Uh, I don't know" she said surprised, "why would you ask?"
"No reason, just making conversation" as I grinned big and worried. That was not a good question. Everyone knows blind dates are supposed to be about getting to know the other person. It shouldn't include any mention of other people in the date's black book. And here I am, asking how many men she's dated from the mingling web site we both visit. She's probably concluding that I think she's a floozy, and that I'm already jealous of people I have never met because of a women I've just met. It was right at this moment that our waitress arrived and saved my life.
"Can I bring you two anything to drink?" the cheery young waitress asked.
"Yes" Kim spoke first, "bring me an iced tea, please."
I spoke up, "Can I have a milk without ice please?"
"We don't put ice in our milk, sir. No one does," she said, looking at my like I should have known that since I was five years old.
"Oh. Well then I guess I'll like it!" I said, feeling stupid. I wish waitresses would just say what they need to, and leave the color commentary to themselves. I don't need her to make me feel inadaquit on this date, I'll do fine all by myself.
As the waitress left, it was just the two of us again. Which meant that I was alone to either make or break myself with the chance of having a future that extended past the day with this knock-out that was sitting in front of me. Question, I needed a question. A good one. Then it struck me.
"So why is a good looking woman like you single?" I asked.
"Because men keep acting like men," she answered.
I thought my chance had come. "Well I would treat you like you've never been treated before. With respect and commitment." And with that, I doomed myself.
"Wow, well let's slow down a bit, can we please? We just met." she answered.
What was I thinking? This was a first meeting. Hardly even a date. And I'm telling her how great it would be for her to commit to me? Oh my gosh, I need dating training wheels.
"Right, right" I stuttered, "I wasn't meaning it like that. I was only saying, that uh, I treat people good. Real good. All the time. And you would be no different from the way I treat everyone else."
"Well that's great" she said, with no emotion in her voice.
I revealed myself for the fool that I was before the waitress even brought us our drinks. I blew it. I knew it. And she knew I knew it.
At this point, I figured I should just enjoy my food and not have any high hopes. The waitress came back, and asked what we would like to order. Kim ordered a side of onion rings, and that was all. I felt like I was getting stabbed in the stomache. She clearly only ordered onions rings, and not a meal, to demonstrate that she did not intend to stay long. And if I was expecting a kiss (not that I even thought about it), the onion rings provided a safe excuse not to. This girl must have been a bad date professional, she knew all the tricks. I ordered the cheeseburger with fries. And I ordered it well-done, so it would take an extra couple of minutes for the cooks to cook it. I didn't even want to admit it to myself, but I knew deep down that I ordered it well done so that I could have a couple extra minutes to pull this date out from the grave. It must be the fighting spirit in me, because I wasn't really drawn to her. It wasn't any romantic feelings of infatuation for her that was beckoning me to woo her, I had only known her for less than fifteen minutes. I think I wanted so badly to impress her and win her not for the sake of being with her, I was simply tired of being rejected. I just wanted to win once, so that I could sleep that night not feeling like a complete loser again. I haven't had one date where the girl answered my phone call the next day in months. Such events have a powerful way of inwardly branding yourself as unlovable.
After the waitress left to turn in our orders, the foolish warrior in me started up again. "So tell me, Kim, what do you look for in a man?" I asked, throwing all slow and steady strategies to the wayside.
"Um, I like a man who has been around. Experienced things other men haven't. Someone who has an understanding of the world, and his place in it. Someone who has his act together. Someone who is attractive, successful, and intelligent. Someone who understands me and doesn't have to try hard." she said, without ever looking me in the eye. It's like she knew everything I wasn't, and told me she wanted everything she knew I didn't have. And she didn't return the question. I hate it when you ask a question to get to know someone, and they answer without returning the question back to you. I wanted to tell her what I look for in a woman, but she didn't ask. She was displaying to me that she didn't care what I wanted in a mate. I'm telling you, this girl was a pro at being on bad dates. So I looked for a way to tell her what I was interested in finding, without her asking me.
"Yeah, I've dated a few girls who were not what I was looking for. It's so hard to find a nice girl who just understands me. Laughs at my jokes not out of pity, but because she gets them. Someone who doesn't get persuaded by the things that the world offers that she doesn't need. Someone who can see a sunset over the ocean and listen to the sound of the breakers and see that as why life is beautiful, not because she's eating at an expensive restaraunt with someone who will boost her image just by being seen with him." I spilled it all right there, maybe she'd see the real me and that would be delightfully refreshing to her.
She replied by laughing. Laughing. I couldn't believe it. Did she think I was joking? Did something happen that I didn't know about? Did she finally catch the strip of hair on my neck that didn't get shaved? Oh well. I didn't care, I really didn't. She could laugh. And with her laughter, I gave up. The waitress brought us our food, and she finished her onion rings before I had even finished half of my burger. There was very little talking during meal-time, mostly eating. And when she was done with her rings, she was done with me. She left five dollars on the table, and said she "had to go." So there I stayed, taking my time on my food, eating alone. The waitress came back and dropped off the check. As I looked at it, I saw the combined total for the iced tea and onion rings were $5.75. This meant that Kim owed me seventy-five cents.
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CiannaSkye reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a cute little story. There were several grammatical errors (notably sentence fragments) and some typos. The only other critique I have to offer is that maybe you should give a bit more detail about the dating site and how Kim and Donald found each other (what attracted them to each other, search criteria, etc.). Or, is random pairing kind of the point? If it is, maybe you should make it more clear that they found each other randomly.
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rollingbolus reviewed Version 1 -
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she asked back --- she replied/ she asked
in her voice? --- take away the question mark
reastaraunt --- restaurant
not my nervous --- with my
ackward --- awkward
looking at my like --- me
inadaquit --- inadequate
stomache --- stomach
branding yourself --- branding you – it’s not you who’s doing it to yourself
Firstly you need to run this through a spellcheck before you post as the errors I’ve picked out above are distracting. You know how to create a mood, one of nervousness on the part of this poor guy who’s trying to date a shallow onion-ring eater, but the ending falls flat. He realizes she owes him some money, so life just got fractionally worse, 75 cents worse. But does that mean he’ll hunt her down? Will he kill her? Maybe he should kill her beforehand for being such a 1-dimensional bitch. Just a suggestion, death doesn’t have to come into it, but my point is there’s something big missing from this story which you need to work out and put in.
I hope this is of some help,
good luck working on this
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this…but Kim was really giving this guy the cold shoulder lol…The no Ice thing made me laugh…this one scene was better than most romantic comedies out their. This proves the whole ask questions to spark a conversation saying inst true….unless he was just asking all the wrong ones. I wish I could read a version for her POV just to see why she was so shut down during the whole date.
Harvest reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed reading this disastrous date. You’ve got fantastic timing, and a great voice too. I like how every time that the guy thought he was doing something smooth, Kim thew it back at his face. How you handled the dynamics of these two people was great. There were shifts of power, and all the elements of plot. Your prose was for the most part pretty tight and controlled.
What would make this piece better, I think, is if you add an extra scene of when they are eating. Show the awkward noises of them eating. (the guy eating a cheese burger and downing it with milk) that’s hilarious, and you should take advantage of that detail. Build as much tension as you can befores she finishes and takes out the five dollar bill.
Good job.
Here are a few awkward things I saw as i was reading.
looking at my like I should have know—looking at me
inadaquit—inadequate
on this date, I’ll do fine all by myself. —comma splice
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