good review! Thanks!!
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Flash Fiction / Nowhere to Run
Kaitlyn sits in front of her TV. A news reporter frantically directs families to lock their doors, "A murder, no, three, have been reported in Clousey county on Summersville road." Kaitlyn gets up to lock the door when the phone rings. Cautiously, she picks up the phone and hears her mom, obviously scared. "I'm fine mom I swear. I'm eighteen now!" Hanging up the phone, she remembers to lock her door. She starts to sit at her kitchen table, but she hears something approaching. She jumps to get a knife, but when she does she’s grabbed-nowhere to run.
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drbailey reviewed Version 2 -
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squarehopper reviewed Version 2 -
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 2 -
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“directs” isn’t the right word. He’s telling someone to do something specific, so “advises” or “instructs” may be apt.
Leaving a line space for a new para helps on urbis- indented paras tend to be thrown out by formatting.
News reporters tend to get their facts right before they speak- so “no, three” could be reworded for a news feature feel.
Generally a twist in any story needs a hint before it- something that makes the twist justified. If something was out of place early on- like the front door was ajar maybe, it would indicate someone was in her house.
“hears something”- what does she hear exactly? This detail would put us in the house with her. This evokes the sense of sound. You could evoke other senses as well if you want- like a draft of wind as someone moved behind her… etc.
Ends on a tense note. Well done.
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quaintfungus reviewed Version 2 -
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I guess that in flash fiction you have to make every word count. You need to have a very clear idea of the point / twist you want to put over.
I’m getting killed by kindness from this one. Her mum phones her to tell her everything she already knows but by doing so distracts her. She doesn’t lock the door and the killer gets in.
Firts thing you should address is your dialogue.
I would open with the reporters speech as a public annoncement.Because its a reporter saying it. you don’t need to say the character is watching t.v. as wee can guess that. Three murders in one half hour period, lock your doors!
I think you could use a trick to zero in on the character. Get a psychological profile of the 3 victims already. That way the character can react to the fact that the killer is targeting 18 year old girls then say in this neighborhood then in this street. The girl gets more and more scared.
She could already be on the phone to her mom. Have her say. Mom, your killing me right at the start as she nags on about something. If you can use more dialogue tho as this will speed the piece up and gives more insight in to the characters.
Also think about a twist ending. Nowhere to run is ok but it would be cool if she were the killer or she was on her cell and somewhere else.
SkyeRayven reviewed Version 2 -
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This is my first time reading flash fiction. I do like this, but why is there there so many spaces at the end? Hmm anyways, I like this. =]
shoppingcartfreedom reviewed Version 2 -
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”...families” – viewers would be the addressee of the news, not just families.
“A murder[...] [N]o, three[ ]have…” – This is not very precise. It seems that the news would be exact on the body count. Maybe the old cliche “I’ve just been handed this…” would be appropriate.
Italics don’t need quotation marks if you are going for the internal monologue of the TV, the quotations don’t need italics if you have the reporter speaking. I’d use italics since you have Kaitlyn speaking later.
“Cautiously,” – maybe quickly would fit better. Why use caution with a phone?
“She starts to sit…” – It isn’t clear whether or not the door is locked.
”...grabbed-[ ]nowhere to run.” – why did you choose to separate this from the text. It gives a quick effect to the read, but there is still spacial tension with the line above. Maybe its own line?
Fun read.
snarfus reviewed Version 2 -
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Not bad. Before I begin, it would help if you put in the reviewer notes if this is supposed to be a 100-word story, and thereby you have a word limit to maintain. My review assumes that that is not the case.
The news reporter’s line seems odd. Reporters generally don’t make mistakes like that; they’re on the air because they’re cool and collected. Maybe something like “The alleged body count has been increased to three” or something.
The last sentence is a little awkward; “she’s grabbed” almost reads like she’s doing something, not having something done to her. I’d switch it to “hands grab her” as that’s much more clear.
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 1 -
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Ooh! A cliffhanger! This is very good.
I like how you used italics to represent that the reporter’s dialogue was coming from the t.v. I would change Kaitlyn’s dialogue to regular text, however. If we, the readers, were hearing the conversation from the other end of the line, italics would be appropriate, but since we are hearing it directly from Kaitlyn, the italics are unnecessary.
“She gets up to lock…” I would begin this sentence with ‘Kaitlyn.’ Since the previous sentence dealt with the news reporter, ‘She’ makes it sound like this sentence is also about the news reporter. You need to bring the reader back to Kaitlyn.
Don’t forget to put a comma before ‘but.’ I think you missed two. You could also use a comma after “Hanging up the phone[,]“
No where = Nowhere (one word) – “Nowhere to run.” This is an incomplete sentence. As such, I would suggest combining it with the preceding sentence with a hyphen, ie: (ie: means ‘for example’)
”...she’s grabbed – nowhere to run.”
I enjoyed this story – and exactly 100 words, too! Nice work. It left a lot to the imagination while providing just enough detail to keep the reader interested. Thank you. :)
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