I didn’t even catch the pun until I read the p.s and re-read what you’d written. Hehehe… Thank you for the review…I don’t see why people frown upon the first person pov so much – do you know why? I just wrote it that way naturally, but it wouldn’t be difficult to change.
Young Adult / Winterhaven - Mating
The fire burning beneath the ornately carved mantle, unnecessary as it was for our comfort, was nice to look at. The crackling sound, combined with the orange and yellow glow of the licking flames, was comforting – almost hypnotizing. Everett sat lightly in front of the fire, nearly hovering atop the over-sized love seat despite his large frame.
”There are many things I know you’ve had to discover on your own about our kind, Lillian. But there are also many things you should not have to learn independently now that you are not alone. Things that, much like the urge to feed, you will not be able to resist. The one with the largest impact on your future, and impossible to ignore, is finding your mate.”
I glanced up at Everett in surprise at the utterance of the last word; I automatically pictured animals held in captivity, being forced at the hands of a breeder. And as vampires could not procreate, nor did we even have the need to as we created ourselves, I became confused.
Sensing my puzzlement Everett stopped, a bemused expression on his face. “Obviously vampires do not mate as humans do. This you know. They, along with animals, mate to breed or for pleasure, while we do it purely out of instinct. An instinct designed for us to provide comfort and company; such is embedded into us once we have been turned.”
I must have had an amused, if not disbelieving, look about me because Everett chuckled lightly and held up a hand in defense before continuing. “You think it has been hard for you since being turned – over a hundred years of loneliness? Imagine an eternity alone. Our way of living is difficult enough, consider the necessity of finding your mate a blessing.” He paused to gage my reaction, but even I was unsure of how I felt.
”So Reina,” I began slowly, “she is your…mate.”
I felt ridiculous saying the word aloud. It sounded offensive in my head and only made worse when given a voice. I felt as though I were comparing the two to wild animals. However Everett was not taken aback by the word as I was. He simply turned his head towards the fireplace slightly and stared into the flames that danced beside us.
”Is this – mating – only between our kind, or has a vampire ever been taken by a . . . human?” I spat out the last word with certain disdain, and the curiosity began to spill from my lips. “How can we tell? I mean how were you sure Reina was yours?”
Everett smiled then and leaned back against the sofa, obviously pleased with the invitation to tell his – their – story.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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You handle the dialogue here well.
The repetition of comfort in the first two sentences is odd. I would replace the first one with warm or similar. “combined with” is a bit sterile for this description.
However Everett (insert comma after However. Necessary to prevent confusion with the grammar However he did it, it was very clever.)
Is the similarity between the names Jillian and Lillian intentional? If so, OK; if not, I would change Jillian’s name.
More questions in the comments.
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l13dj13 reviewed Version 1 -
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i havent read the rest of the story yet… but im def going to go look into it when i have time… its really good and ill erserve judgement till ive read more. i dont want to say anything about it till im sure about the whole of what youve written… and i looking forward to hearing everett’s story.
thankyou
xl13dj13x
Shadowwolf5191 reviewed Version 1 -
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interesting… i enjoy reading vampire novels and i think this will some out nicely once its put together
sithhound reviewed Version 1 -
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My advice (sorry if you are tired of hearing this) is to avoid the whole first person point of view thing. Third person is so much better. My first (and basically only) story was written in the 1st person, and alot of people gave me alot shit for it. But it’s your thing, so screw it, right?
I like your descriptive ability, such as the first couple of sentences, regarding the fireplace. I do recommend you revise the ‘was nice to look at’ bit. Maybe ‘was enchanting’ or something in that vein.
p.s.- don’t shoot me for that lame pun, please.
Sandrilene reviewed Version 1 -
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This brings to mind the vampire series from the author Stephanie Meyer.
I haven’t read the previous installments, but I’m captivated.
Your descriptions are well thought out, forming a picture in my mind of where they are, and giving the story a certain atmosphere.
The dialogue is simple but effective, keeping only what is necessary for the story without the pressence of flourish or embellishments.
It has the feel of a solid tale you can build off of.
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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An intriguing intro into the life of vampire mating. I kind of question Lillian learning about it after so much time has passed. Would she not have heard of it at some point during her century of solitude? Encountered it or wondered?
It’s a minor point, however. You prep the reader well for the coming story. And I feel my curiosity immediately piqued. Nicely done, as always.
youngwriter92 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love your stories and i can’t wait until you post another one. You make me want to read more. You’re a great writer even if they’re missing part of the story.
Vegasamore reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow.. I might have to become a fan. I read another piece and now have discovered you write in pieces which as a writer myself I get it. Someone posted about the Twilight series and Vampire gengre being overdone but I’ll revert to my first review, as longas it’s creative. I think the idea overall is heading in that direction.
So inregardges to how it’s written, interesting. The character Everett reminds me of someone i know so good character developement there. I don’t understand the voice of the main character yet. Although I suppose since this is my second reading I’ll get the hang of it.
Olive147 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really well written and it draws the reader in. I really enjoy your style of writing. The characters are pretty well developed in that they have very unique personalities and voices. I really like it…
rylander reviewed Version 2 -
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Sounds great, good use of vocabulary. I write stuff out of order too, it’s ko to do that. Sometimes if you don’t write it down you’ll forget *tear
keep uo the good work
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