I can’t end us
so I will end me.
No messy blood,
or swinging bodies,
just a neat paragraph
in the obituaries,
stumbled across by accident
or pointed out by a friend.
More of an afterthought,
since you cost the world
the real me, years ago.
I’m just finishing up for you.
“The immediate family of,
regrets to inform you that
on the 9th of April 2009
she passed on to better days.
She was a dedicated
mother, artist’s lover and friend.
She was preceded by
her self respect and belief in love.
A memorial service
will be held every time
you look within yourself
and choose to live by what you say.”
Don’t worry,
I don’t expect you to attend.
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What can i say? This is very well done. I see nothing to change. Its message is clear. It is potent and thought-provoking. Thank you for putting up the information along with the poem. I think it needs to be published. A poem is suppose to evoke feeling. This one does. Sandi
Hmm well it’s kind of ironic that the obituary would read “belief in love” when the writer is expressing being abandoned by such.
The actual obituary was kind of typical. I was wishing there would some kind of poetic depth instead of an example of an actual obituary. It just didn’t tie in as well as I think it could have.
Hope that helps. All the best!
This is rather elegant, in its way. I hope it’s slightly tongue in cheek!
The imaginary obituary works well, with its bitter humour. The ‘preceded by’ lines are really poignant … and the last two lines are real stingers.
Sheesh, I can feel the anger!
I seriously thought that was just going to be some morbid emo bullshit rant. What you have created here is a rather brilliant, original (from what I know), fantastic piece.
I like your obvious anger, smoothed over by snippy little sarcasm in lines like “Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to attend”. I loved that, for a last line it was definitely a deal closer for my liking it.
Since you cost the world, the real me, years ago. I’m just finishing up for you. This was awesome, and if written on an actual suicide note I can imagine it having a profound effect.
This was gorgeous writing for such a morbid topic. Honestly I can’t fault you on anything so your going to have to be content with me blowing smoke up your ass with how fantastic you’ve done this. It’s going on my favourites and I’ve given you a ten.
Very snide, very smothered in sarcastic venom, very awesome.
Another complete winner from you. You sure harness your anger well; I have to say that I am surprised you can release so much. Your first lines are such a precise, succinct way of stating the reason for, I imagine, so many suicides. I can’t begin to imagine how many people have at least felt that way, and how many have acted upon it. Since you obviously haven’t done it to yourself, I don’t know how you found a way to feel it, but there it is.
The break after the fourth line into the next stanza seems sort of out of place, since you rhyme “bodies” with “obituaries”. Obviously, given the rest of the structure, combining the first two stanzas wouldn’t work, so I can’t really make a suggestion. “Or pointed out by a friend” seems underpowered to me somehow. It fits, it keeps the feeling, but it lacks the “punch” you’ve set up. But that’s just nitpickery. Your third stanza is amazingly powerful and fresh. You are a great writer for that quality alone: there is so much feeling here, you could be saying something that’s been said a thousand times before and make it seem new as this oncoming spring. Just terrific, original phrasing. The comma in the last line there may not be necessary.
Then you weave in an obituary and, wonder of wonders, it WORKS. You don’t need a set-up other than the quotes and a mention in the second stanza, and it transitions seamlessly. I love that you don’t sink into excess like a lot of writers tend to do: They’re (myself included, oftentimes) so out to prove themselves, but you show admirable restraint, and just let your stuff float out of you.
And the obit itself keeps your cynicism, “preceded by…” is just excellent. It’s still you there. I can’t make a single suggestion to improve the rest of the poem. “Every time you look at yourself…”—I just…words won’t do. Haha. And your final two lines, back as the narrator, are an excellent way to end it. So cold and bitter and still cynical. You are one of my favorite writers, and I am glad to have encountered your work. There’s almost nothing that needs to be done here. Even my suggestions are to be taken with a grain of salt, save for removal of that comma.
You capture an angst and anger that, I must admit, I wouldn’t have expected from a 41-year-old woman and mother. I don’t mean that to offend in any way, so I hope it doesn’t. It makes me wonder how many women feel this same way, since I, as a man, can never really know. Even if this isn’t autobiographical, you tell it with all the grit and closeness as if it were. Just breathtaking work. Sorry I can’t be of more critical help.
This is a very strong poem.
“I can’t end us
so I will end me.
No messy blood,
or swinging bodies,”
these words hit the strongest. I really like this. Don’t take things too far in life though.
Brilliant. I love the incorporation of the obit, worked into the piece, yet personalized for its intended.
This is a tight, bleak and visceral work. The title is alarming but it doesn’t disappoint. You do some really nice work in passages such as “you cost the world the real me” and “preceded by her self-respect and belief in love”. I think it also pretty well-done that the suicide note does a nice job doubling as an obituary though one that carries an indictment of its intended audience. Though there is a dark wit included in the work, it does not lose its serious, even tone. Structurally, line lengths and meter are easy and consistent throughout and the narrative voice is strong. Good job and good luck in placing it.
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