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Poetry / Stars On My Window
Memory of you,
skin like silk,
lit by the moon cast stars
you drew on my window
to make me smile.
No image of you
hurts me more,
than that quiet vision.
You sleeping next to me,
sated, drunken, dreaming.
Golden fire
briefly stilled
by night time’s silver light.
As I lay reveling,
mourning…
knowing even then
the fleeting nature
of moonlight
and the passing fancy
of a golden boy
in summer.
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piper1468 reviewed Version 1 -
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I do like this however I am confused on its meaning. Is the person you are talking about dead or just moved on out of your life?
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quietrushesback reviewed Version 1 -
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The title is great. I love the line “No image of you hurts me more, than that quiet vision.” It makes me think of my own loves lost. You have a lot of great imagery in the poem. I would try to lengthen it a bit. I really enjoyed this piece.
bjkawa reviewed Version 1 -
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Great imagery, wonderful meaning. I like the pace of the peom and the flow of the words. You hit it on the button, sorry I couldn’t be of more help.
robinonettey reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a beautiful poem. Very similar sentiment to one I once wrote.
skin like silk…this is a bit overused, mundane. It’s more than silk, isn’t it?
night time…not sure you need both. How about just night’s silver light…or time’s silver light (I prefer this one, avoids internal rhyme; plus, there’s the bonus image of a black and white photo implied, like one that you would take with your mind and hold there).
golden fire…golden boy…repeats. Important?
passing fancy…again, a little overused. Plus, the memory pains the speaker: I pictured the speaker as male (golden boy) and the adressee as female (skin like silk), so it doesn’t make sense for the memory to pain him if she really was no more than a passing fancy that he cared nothing for.
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 1 -
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It was fantastic writing and at the same time confusing. I was left wondering whether your special someone was alive or not. Because the quiet vision of your love drawing on the window, followed by that image hurting you, making you long for her, implies a time a past. But then you say “you sleeping next to me, sated, drunken, dreaming” There’s no past tense in that, and that implies she is still alive and okay.
But then down the bottom you’ve said “As I lay reveling, mourning” which again implies she’s gone.
This is the -only- bit that irked me in your poem. Other than that your writing was fluent and your language use was spot on for the genre of poem.
If you could re-write and maybe switch some bits around, clarify what is actually happening from what has actually happened.
Other than that though, you’ve done brilliantly. Good effort.
Matt
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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lit by the moon cast stars
you drew on my window
I hate to ask a techinical question concerning this lovely stanza, but did he draw stars on the window and the moon cast their glow on them? I think you need to make this description plainer? “Moon cast stars” sounds the like moon cast the stars.
Take out “cast stars” because the moon has little to do with the stars, which are seperate things. I might leave off “time” from night. Its just an extra word and doesn’t add anything. Night can stand alone.
The rest of the poem is wonderful and very romanitc. Your descriptions are lovely the “silver light of the moon, “Golden boy of summer.” Sandi
MasterP reviewed Version 1 -
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From “As I lay reveling,” onward, the poem’s last lines are are absolutely amazing. Why? Because the story A) explains itself and B) travels while doing so. Traveling, meaning…”Revelling” -—-> “fleeting” -—-> “passing fancy”.
The rest of the poem needs work for coherence and clarity.
“Memory of you,/skin like silk” doesn’t work very well. I suggest adding a ‘your’ before skin, or entirely rewording it. It made me pause.
I’d make the lines a bit more like: “Moonlit memory of mine,/your skin like silk/lit by the ebbing light/you drew on my window/to make me smile/No image hurts me more/than that quiet vision of/You sleeping next to me,/sated, drunken, dreaming./Your golden fire/briefly stilled/by night time’s silver light.”
The lines that I changed, were not clear in terms of their meaning, so, hopefully this helps you. The imagery and words are very good, as you’ll notice my example changed very very little of it. Just add a few words here and there to make the poem connect with itself a little bit more :). I really enjoyed the piece.
singer_girl36 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very, very good. Genuine and real. The drunken part didn’t make much sense to me at first, but as I finished reading the entire thing, I understood it, and rather liked it very much. However, one tip – more periods. But like I said, I really enjoyed it. After all, isn’t summer love the best and worse kind of love?
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