It is introduced in the beginning. Third page…Mom serves Jaynie and Mommy oatmeal. I wonder…Is it not clear enough? The first version was even more enigmatic about the two moms thing.
Children's / Jaynie and the Bad Day
Jaynie could tell it was going to be a bad day. She knew it even before she opened her eyes.
The wind was howling outside and the tree near her window was scratching the glass.
At breakfast Jaynie and Mommy stared glumly at their bowls of oatmeal. "Hmmm," said Mom, "You two seem as sad as a pair of drowned mice."
"I know just the thing!" she said as she jumped from the table. Jaynie could hear her rustling around in the hall closet.
"Oh great," thought Jaynie, "A project." Today really was going to be a bad day.
Mom came back holding a strange thing. It had the head of a snake and was rainbow colored. The head was in one hand and its long shiny tail was bunched in the other.
"A kite!" exclaimed Mommy. "But don't you think it'll be cold?" Jaynie frowned. Her hopes had been lifted a little, but just then the wind whistled through the spaces around the window.
"Well," said Mom, "we have coats!"
The three put on boots, sweaters, and jackets. Mommy grabbed some gloves just in case. Mom got some heavy string from the craft supplies. Finally, they headed out the door.
At the beach the wind was playful as it tugged at Jaynie's braids. She started to cheer up a little. Her little dog, Buttons, yapped and ran, glad to be out of the house.
Even though the wind was stong, the sun was warm. Soon the three shed their gloves and coats into a pile on the sand. "Come on, Jaynie," said Mom. "We'll show you how to fly a kite!"
Mommy held the head of the snake. Mom unwoulnd the string until she was far away. "Okay, ready!" she called. Mommy threw the kite into the wind and it soared into the sky.
The rainbow snake was long and graceful. It dipped and climbed, circling as Mom fed it string and then tugged it back again.
Jaynie took a turn with the kite. She chased Buttons through the choppy surf, She laid on the sand and watched the kite glide on the breeze. How could she have ever thought that today would be bad?!
Then she heard the thunder. Mom and Mommy had heard it too and the kite was already on the ground. They raced to gather their things and dashed toward the car.
Too late! They all got drenched! "Ugh," groaned Mom, "wet socks!"
Jaynie was angry all the way home. Why did the rain have to come and spoil her fun day?!
At home the family changed into warm, dry clothes. As Jaynie came from her room, she got a surprise!
Mommy had made a picnic! Mom had laid out a checkered table cloth on the livingroom floor. There were sandwiches, lemonade, and choclate chip cookies--Jaynie favorite!
They ate lunch, then played games all afternoon. Jaynie laughed with her mommas and they all had a great time.
Finally Mom said, "You know, the weather might not always be nice, but it's always nice when we're all together." Jaynie smiled and hugged her mommas. Mom was right, it was great to be together.
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JAs_jumper_cable reviewed Version 2 -
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runswithalpacas reviewed Version 2 -
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I read this to my 5 y/o daughter and she said, “I thought it was okay.”
I thought it was okay too. It was very confusing about the two mommies and it wasn’t until the kite flying that I was able to understand who the third person was. Maybe if you made it clear in the beginning with some kind of wording such as, “Jaynie went to the kitchen where both her mommies were waiting for her.” I’m sure pictures would help clarify this confusion as well, but it’s difficult because many children use both Mom and Mommy to address the same mother. Using Mom and Mommy as different names is about as clear as having two sons, one named Matt and one named Matthew. Making it more clear would help to universalize the story: it could be enjoyed not only by children with two mommies, but also help children with a mommy and a daddy understand that love is the most important thing.
“Mommy grabbed some gloves just in case.” I might add a comma after gloves.
“At the beach the wind was playful as it tugged at Jaynie’s braids.” I would add a comma after beach.
It’s a nice idea and we definitely liked the story. My daughter is asking me now to find and read her another one! Thanks.
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Emalie reviewed Version 2 -
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She chased Buttons through the choppy surf.?
I may be missing something, but this confused me a little bit.
Also, at the end, it does say “mommas”, however, will there be pictures? Because with no pictures or explanation, Mom and Mommy is very confusing. Is this her mother and grandmother?
It is a cute story, I do like the last line.
Myearhurts reviewed Version 2 -
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I was waiting for the three person thing because of your comment. . and I still did not really catch it until I all together and read over it. It is a bit vauge, sorry. I didn’t realize this was a same-sex couple with a kid until I read it twice.
Styles seems decent for a kid’s book, although. . I’m not sure what age this would sell to, honestly.
The image of the kite as a snake suggests young child, but some of your sentance structure seems a bit complex for a really young child. Of course, I’m not in education. . so
robhoh reviewed Version 2 -
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I’m still a little confused as to the difference between Mom and Mommy. Is this a situation with one being a mom and the other a grandmother? Or, is it a lesbian couple with their daughter? If that’s the case, maybe consider putting Mama Rose and Mama Jane (whatever names you choose) just to help differentiate between the maternal characters.
I’m a little stuck as to why Jaynie is so certain she’s going to have a bad day. Is she in a bad mood when she wakes up? Did she not sleep well?
The overall message is good…about how being together is always nice. Definitely keep that part of it.
squarehopper reviewed Version 2 -
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I seem to be reviewing a lot of your work… why didn’t you tell us the age group this is aimed for in your notes.
Jayne seems older in this story than the last one… so can I assume it is for an older group of children?
The reason I feel she is older is due to the vocabulary, tone, and subject matter.
The confusion would disappear if you simply explain there is a mommy and a mom at the beginning. Mommy and Mom is too close as words as well so a person would not notice the nuance in difference for a long time. Another possible solution is to use Mommy and Ma or MaMa or aMa – make them visually different as well as structurally. I would avoid using pronouns for either Mommy or Mom to further distinguish the two.
This is a better story than the last children’s work… it is focused on one theme and is direct.
Good luck.
DallasS reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the story. It’s very cute. Your correct it needs some grammar editing in a couple spots..
A piece of advice I can give you is to try and make it longer. When you say “Too Late! They all got drenched!” You could really drag that out with adjectives and tell how bad the rain came in. You could describe the picnic, I know alot of good writers that do things like that. I would say add an onamoetapeoia (sp???) when the thunder comes in. They always make for a better childrens tale.
Well, Good Luck. I would like to see the finished product.
WhiteAngel reviewed Version 2 -
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It would make a good children story to me, though i think seeing the pictures with it would make is better.
I really liked the dialogue of the last page, about it not being a bad day while they were together, i got that feeling through the whole story, and i feel it added to the stories strength.
caprittarius reviewed Version 2 -
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If I may be so bold, may I assume that Jaynie has two mothers? From the references to “Mom” and “Mommy” I deduced this, but perhaps maybe “Mom” could be her grandmother? If you could clarify this issue, it would make the confusion obsolete! Otherwise, this story was very well-written, engaging, and enjoyable. I smiled when Jaynie smiled, and felt her drop in mood. Very good story. I would buy it for my niece, if published. smile
Wigmo reviewed Version 2 -
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A warming story.
I was very confused on what seemed the three characters being Jaynie, Mom, and Mommy? Just based on the story can I be correct to assume this child has two moms or dad is just very feminine?
Anyway I also didn’t particularly understand the page breaks either, I am still fairly new to this though.
I particularly like the dog as well, mostly cause I’m a pet person. I would recommend just clarifying the characters a bit more, but good solid story.
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