Haiku/Senryu / Walking On The Grave (Analysis)

hmmm…and I thought it was fairly original; that is the comparing of the waxing and waning of the moon to a dark shroud gradually blotting out life’s glow within us. So…if it isn’t that original, then my ah-ha is missing indeed.  Perhpas I should move the title to the end. And I do believe you are right about “life’s”; always miss the possessives.

Thanks for the first really good review I have had on this. Amazing to me that most do not see the metaphor because they are not familiar with “waxing” and “waning”.

Pink Floyd came to mind, I believe “Dark Side of the Moon” was intended to represent death… but I didn’t mean to say that your metaphor was cliche, far from it.  It is that your decription isn’t a metaphor without the ah-ha moment where the reader (provided they know a little about astronomy) realizes you are talking about a human life, or life in general, and not referring to the shadow on the moon as a death for that specific cosmic body.  The title does that, but none of the lines seem to.

What is out of context? How can it be improved?

I don’t remember what I was thinking last night in regards to this, but I guess this seems like those times you change the channel and you come in in the middle of the plot. I know it’s supposed to be short but still. As for improvements, the words in second line seem a bit disassociated I’d suggest adding an “of” in there somewhere.

This is a metaphor; and a fairly obvious one at that. Waxing and waning are moon phases. The comparison is between the darkness brought on by those phases and the shroud of death that covers a life.

Please when doing reviews at least look up wards you do not know. “Waning” is a the oppostie function of moons growing to fullness.

The structure of the haiku lends itself as surrogate punctuation.
Thanks for insightful comments.

Ah…not a moon gazer I see. lol.
The two halves of a moons full cycle, the waxing (growing to full) and the waning (dying from the full). This occurred to me why laying on my back in the grass in some Texas grasslands. It was at the last day of the moon becoming full and then the darkness (earths shadow) began to blot out the magic of it’s light. It occurred to me that our lives are much like that.

As always, thanks for your insight and help. Haven’t had much time to write lately so not been reviewing much. Perhaps more later.

Jimmiel I don’t know shit about Haiku i wish someone would explain it to me so I wouldn’t look so foolish when i run accross it. I cannot learn it. I read about it and it makes no sense. Can you tell me something.  You write beautifully my friend.Sandi

I’m am sure I am not one to be telling you anything about write Sandi. Another writer who used to be on Urbis, jweible, got me interested in haiku & senyru. I spent years in Japan and admire the people immensely. They have such a wonderful understanding of what is important in life. The challenge with the purest form is to present a complete idea, thought in just 17 sylablles. With haiku the thought generally has a natural element and a twist or surprise, similar in form to an O’Henry ending in English literature. With senyru this hook or twist has a human element. So…by that definition, what I have written leans to the senyru side. I suspect that the reason you are confused by it, is that we round eyes have perverted the purity of the original with our significantly different outlook on our world and life. And being the loud mouth Ugly Americans we are, we have argued loudly about what haiku should and should not be.

So, you now know all I know about this beautiful form. I can add that it takes years and years of practice to achieve anything close to the purity of the old masters. And my elementary efforts are no where near their standards. But, thanks for your very kind words.

Jim

Thanks Jim. What an intersting concept. Yes, even on here people have a habit of wanting to stifle creaivity with an obsession with the dreaded comma. Thank you for helping me. My whole life is about learning. Good luck.

Not to belabor, but I really should have added….it is all about subtlety (sp). The Japanese are a very, very long visioned subtle people. I suppose that makes the form both difficult and thought provoking.

Yes, i am studying it so the people who know it won’t make fun of me when i review it. Thanks friend. Keep in touch. Sandi

Thank you. Sorry you are chilly.  ;>)

There is a certain inevitability about this life thing, isn’t there.

Thank you. I was simply moon watching. LOL. Musing about how God created everything in nature to emulate humans lives. Or perhaps it was the mushroom gravy from dinner because I am anything but a gifted writer.

Oh wow, Jimmel104

You’re really good, your response has left me speechless. I can’t stop laughing.

OK lets get serious now, I meant what I said on the review Jimme,.

I didn’t understand it at first, I really had to let my imagination flow, then I was really impress, how you used so little words open for interpretation and delivery of a big message.

you rarely see punctuation in haiku or senyru.
If you think about life (light) in terms of the moons cycle perhaps it will be clearer to you.
Thanks for the read. Here is a good site for learning more about this genre.

http://www.education-world.com/a_curr/curr052.shtml

Oh, my friend you miss the point of the haiku genre. The are simple and lean and allow the reader to take what they wish from them. Look at the title; think of how the transition from a waxing moon to a waning moon takes place. On what do we put shrouds. It is clear enough.
But thank you for your thoughts.