Haiku/Senryu / Walking On The Grave (Analysis)

This is really quite good.  Clever use of wax/wane.  I think mortals and lifes both need apostrophes as they appear to be used in the possessive sense.  

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April 19, 2009

by Jimmel104

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Thank you sir. Perhaps third version really is a charm, though I do not doubt it can be much better.

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I’m torn whether to laud the lack of punctuation or to rebel against it.  Without the punctuation, meaning is mutable.  On one hand this is a good thing; I love when it is highlighted that meanings and interpretations can change with the reader.  My hang up is whether this ambiguity is deliberate or a product of willful ignorance.  In any case, I like the conceit of the moon as a reflection of life, perhaps that of all humanity.  This poem would certainly make for interesting discussion in an English or linguistics class.  Keep on keeping on!

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June 15, 2009

by Jimmel104

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The structure of the haiku lends itself as surrogate punctuation.
Thanks for insightful comments.

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Nice idea. Needs a possessive- mortal’s glow and life’s beauty. It would make the meaning more clear.

You kept the format of Haiku perfect(counted with fingers lol XD) and had an excellent topic to express among are people. Your topic was partially unclear to me and you had no commas or periods, and you need to work on capitalization. But even with those mistakes you still need to keep writing haikus. You are definttley(sp) great at them

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April 28, 2009

by Jimmel104

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you rarely see punctuation in haiku or senyru.
If you think about life (light) in terms of the moons cycle perhaps it will be clearer to you.
Thanks for the read. Here is a good site for learning more about this genre.

http://www.education-world.com/a_curr/curr052.shtml

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filler syllables: of, the, a, on

That gives you 4 more syllables to find words that give you a stronger picture painted.

What is a moon of life?  I don’t know what this means and you give us nothing to help us see what you are intending.  How does the moon give life?  Maybe life is not the word you really want.

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April 18, 2009

by Jimmel104

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68	M	Flower Mound, TX	November 19

Yeah…I changed ‘like’ to ‘of’ and I think that obscured the intent.

Prompted by watching a waxing moon that turns the dark orb to light and the waning turning the light to dark. Like our lives, turned on and off.

Thanks Mr. Hopper, you always make good points.

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I love this piece. I noticed your note above after reading the piece and I don’t think you need it, unless you’re including the questions just because. But I think the piece asks (or answers?) the question quite well.

The first and second lines almost play musically together with “like life” and “over light,” and I love the second line, even all by itself.

This is an excellent piece. Nice work.

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April 16, 2009

by Jimmel104

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Thank you.
Note was mostly for those that won’t get it. LOL. We have all level of writers/reviewers here.

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5/7/5 – not exactly seasonal, but close enough to tradition for most critics.

“dark shrouds mortals” -this word combination is confusing. Is “mortals” a verb here? As in “shrouds [makes] mortal [the] glow” in this case it should be “shroud” not “shrouds.” Or, if “shrouds” is the verb for “dark” then “mortal glow” would make more sense as the object being shrouded.

I think “lifes” in the last line should be “life’s”

Finally, where is the ah-ha moment?  The Title seems to be your ah-ha, as that would complete this as a moon metaphor and not just a description.  As a description you are presenting a fairly typical image without any particular revelation about that image.

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June 26, 2009

by Jimmel104

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hmmm…and I thought it was fairly original; that is the comparing of the waxing and waning of the moon to a dark shroud gradually blotting out life’s glow within us. So…if it isn’t that original, then my ah-ha is missing indeed.  Perhpas I should move the title to the end. And I do believe you are right about “life’s”; always miss the possessives.

Thanks for the first really good review I have had on this. Amazing to me that most do not see the metaphor because they are not familiar with “waxing” and “waning”.

June 26, 2009

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 22

Pink Floyd came to mind, I believe “Dark Side of the Moon” was intended to represent death… but I didn’t mean to say that your metaphor was cliche, far from it.  It is that your decription isn’t a metaphor without the ah-ha moment where the reader (provided they know a little about astronomy) realizes you are talking about a human life, or life in general, and not referring to the shadow on the moon as a death for that specific cosmic body.  The title does that, but none of the lines seem to.

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It seems like some words are missing.

Example: waxing moon light (the) way/creeping dark shrouds glow/waning (is) lifes beauty

The last line might be fixed this way: Lifes beauty waning

The other I don’t know, it just seems you tried to hard to get it to fit in the Haiku strait jacket.  It needs to read naturally to work.

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April 22, 2009

by Jimmel104

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68	M	Flower Mound, TX	November 19

No, it is as I wanted. I dislike articles in haiku. they waste precious space.
For me, haiku should be subtle, lean.
And to change the last line as you suggest, completely changes the meaning I intended.
And, “reading naturally” is all point of view. Wasn’t trying at all.
thanks for the comments. we will agree to disagree on this one.

April 23, 2009

by Spriglief

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I’m no a fan of Haiku, but I admire anybody who can make it work.  I hope you can get your poem to say exactly what you want it to say.  Sometimes I will write something in prose just to find out what I want to say.  Then I use poetic forms to condense.  Haiku is the ultimate in this respect.

April 23, 2009

by Jimmel104

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68	M	Flower Mound, TX	November 19

LOL…I am trying to not ask this…but…why are you reviewing haiku if you are not a fan???

Not being disrespectful, just struck me as humorous.

Jim

April 24, 2009

by Spriglief

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If it gets on my review list, I review it.  I just do the poem first.

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5/7/5 – solid message and mechanics but has a slightly loose hold on language:

you have a broken metaphor.  It reads like you are saying “life” is like darkness marching over light, and life is the shroud on beauty.  I think you mean “death” is the darkness overtaking the light of life, slowly overtaking it’s beauty.

I wasn’t crazy about “marching” as an image, it carries a distinct military ring, with a percussion sound, which didn’t connect to the silent and inpercepible movement of shadow over sun’s reflection.

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April 17, 2009

by Jimmel104

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68	M	Flower Mound, TX	November 19

Excellent review and right on. Now I know why it felt awkward to me. Just wasn’t bright enough to figure it out.
Thanks

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=)

I very much like it, very much so.

Mortals glow with waning beauty.  Me likey.