Thank you. Perhaps you can collaborate with TheSatch (previous reviewer for clarity)
Haiku/Senryu / Walking On The Grave (Analysis)
waning moon like life
darkness marching over light
a shroud on beauty
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TheSatch reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this piece. I noticed your note above after reading the piece and I don’t think you need it, unless you’re including the questions just because. But I think the piece asks (or answers?) the question quite well.
The first and second lines almost play musically together with “like life” and “over light,” and I love the second line, even all by itself.
This is an excellent piece. Nice work.
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curlyq reviewed Version 1 -
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Im not sure the clarity is all there. I can tell there is a deep meaning, it is just not clear! Im sorry, but i think it needs a tad bit of work on the clarity end. I like the word choice and usage!
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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5/7/5 – solid message and mechanics but has a slightly loose hold on language:
you have a broken metaphor. It reads like you are saying “life” is like darkness marching over light, and life is the shroud on beauty. I think you mean “death” is the darkness overtaking the light of life, slowly overtaking it’s beauty.
I wasn’t crazy about “marching” as an image, it carries a distinct military ring, with a percussion sound, which didn’t connect to the silent and inpercepible movement of shadow over sun’s reflection.
squarehopper reviewed Version 2 -
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filler syllables: of, the, a, on
That gives you 4 more syllables to find words that give you a stronger picture painted.
What is a moon of life? I don’t know what this means and you give us nothing to help us see what you are intending. How does the moon give life? Maybe life is not the word you really want.
tstar11 reviewed Version 3 -
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it is a good poem over all very clear no erros but i think you need to put your topic in their i now you are sopost to infer but i would suggest to put a couple poems together. it is very stong it is a good poem
Mrgreen reviewed Version 3 -
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i love haikus..this seems to be the start of a very insightful piece…the first line is simple, creating the picture of a person on a introspective stroll along a path lit by the moon..the second line makes me picture the person nervously looking around for the approach of something, noticing the shadows of swaying trees and such..the third line creates the idea that the night shows all the dark and ugly sides of life, which is seen mostly during the day..i think you could have added to this a lot more and i’m honestly left wanting more..Keep Writing
Smintboyuk reviewed Version 3 -
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This is really quite good. Clever use of wax/wane. I think mortals and lifes both need apostrophes as they appear to be used in the possessive sense.
Spriglief reviewed Version 3 -
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It seems like some words are missing.
Example: waxing moon light (the) way/creeping dark shrouds glow/waning (is) lifes beauty
The last line might be fixed this way: Lifes beauty waning
The other I don’t know, it just seems you tried to hard to get it to fit in the Haiku strait jacket. It needs to read naturally to work.
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 3 -
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Nice idea. Needs a possessive- mortal’s glow and life’s beauty. It would make the meaning more clear.
snarfus reviewed Version 3 -
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Very solid. Good use of “-ing” words, and evocative, nature-themed imagery. The only problem, and this very minor, is that the lack of definite articles (the, this, etc) leads to some odd awkwardness on first readthrough. “lights way” is the best example; someone could interpret that as “light’s way” instead of “lights the way”.
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