Short Story / A Silent Boy (Analysis)
When you think of a quiet person, do you imagine someone ugly? Well, this person is the absolute opposite. This person is the most gorgeous somebody in my classes. Though everybody has flaws, I do believe he is the one exception to that law of nature.
Why this mistakeless human is so quiet no one knows. Every girl, even the geeks with no chance at all with him, adore the one flawless body on the planet.
His name is Bo. A farely simple name, but an extremely complex figure. He has a gracious reputation having straight A's, and apparently nobody interests him. Everybody sits with him at lunch, yet he is always silent.
Bo is the silent boy inspite his popularity.
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This is a good first draft to an interesting and quirky love story, I think. But it needs work. As it stands right now, it fell flat for me. For one thing, it didn’t feel like whole story. More like an introduction to a longer story. There’s no conflict or resolution, really. I’d encourage you to lengthen this.
Also, I found myself not really identifying with or liking the narrator much. Phrases like “do you imagine someone ugly?” and “even the geeks with no chance at all with him,” kind of paint the narrator as a snob. You might be going for that, but it doesn’t make me want her to end up with a perfect guy like Bo. She can pine over him, but we should also want her to be with him if that’s your goal.
A few nitpicks:
Adverbs – I’d lose words like fairly, extremely, etc. They tend to be shortcuts for what one is trying to convey. Most of the time, you can just do without them. Other times, find a few more words to convey what you mean. For example, when you say “His name is Bo. A fairly simple name,” you could say, “His name is Bo. A simple name. Simple like addition and subtraction. Bo himself? He’s complex, like calculus.”
“inspite his personality” should be “in spite of his personality”
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Better to keep silent and let people think you a fool, than to speak and prove it? Bo is popular because he is silent. Until he reveals himself, he will be whatever they want to imagine, hence the popularity.
This is an interesting and evocative piece. I have only two issues. 1) If he is silent, how does the narrator know he is complex? 2) The last line should read “in spite of” his popularity. Regretfully, I could not rate highly as a short story overall because it has no plot, beginning, or ending. Do not let the criteria limit your voice. This is excellent work.
Interesting first sentence. It truly made me think: “What would I picture when it comes to the idea of a quiet person?”
“Well, this person…” This is a bit ambiguous. Perhaps, “The person I am thinking of…” Separate this sentence from the next using a semicolon (;), since both sentences deal with the same subject, as follows: ”...the absolute opposite; he is the most gorgeous…” I would recommend a different word in place of “somebody” and suggest not pluralizing “class.” Perhaps replace the entire phrase with the word “classmate”, ie: ”...most gorgeous of my classmates.”
In the next sentence, you state outright that everybody has flaws, which contradicts the second half of the sentence. I would suggest rewording the first half of the sentence so that it doesn’t come across as an absolute truth, as follows: “It is said that everybody has flaws, but I believe…” I’m not sure that I would consider “everybody has flaws” a law of nature, per se; perhaps a “universal truth” or something similar?
“Mistakeless” is not a word. Perhaps “matchless”, “perfect”, or use “flawless” here as opposed to later in the sentence? I would consider rearranging this sentence so that it reads “No one knows why…”
In the subsequent sentence, replace the commas with em dashes (sort of like hyphens), ie: “Every girl – even the geeks…with him – adores the one…” I don’t think that I would focus squarely on the boy’s body here, since his attractiveness seems to extend far beyond just his looks. (Don’t forget to add the “S” to the end of “adores.)
“Farely” = “fairly.” Use a semicolon (;) once again after “Bo”, ie: “His name is Bo; a fairly simple name, but…” The following two sentences need some rewording to help with clarity: “He is humble regarding his above average grades. Everybody sits with him at lunch, yet he is always silent; apparently nobody interests him.” “Gracious” isn’t the appropriate word to use here.
“Inspite” is not a word. Perhaps, “in spite of”, or better yet, “Despite his popularity, Bo…” “Despite” indicates that Bo is actively opposing his popularity.
I enjoyed your story; I can see a lot of myself in Bo. I hope that I have been helpful, and thank you for allowing me to read and review your work. :)
The contradictions make the peice real and fun. thinking of Froggie?
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