Poetry / Saved

this poem is telly. very telly. you need to show what you’re trying to say, not tell. show why peopleshould accept christ. decribe a person. describe a person disobeying christ. show the bowels of hell. show the cavernous wasteland. i want to see this forsaking. show it. once you begin to show this, you’ll begin to evoke emotions from your reader. stray away from telliness. use imagery. there is no poetry without imagery.

well from my perspective, you captured the humor and truth of this religion, it would have been better if you generalized all religions but that would probably take too long… anyways I laughed at the part about the “tenth of your pay” b/k/a tithes! I try my best to put something in church everytime I go and being able to pay a full amount of tithes is challenging to say the least depending on a person’s situation… and the part about splashing spirital solution to begin the spirital fusion was funny cause you always see people throwing holy water at others to rid them of demons and spirits… I love my religion and I’ll defend it at all chances, but its funny to see it from a point of view of someone who doesn’t follow it… as far as critquing it I don’t really see something that you could change except what I stated earlier and possibly seeing if you can generalize more than just this one religion, but since it is most likely the main one that everyone has at least some konwledge of, I guess it was a good choice on your behalf…

Keep writing…

peace

Interesting concept. Since you have some lines that don’t end stop—but that run to the next line, I’d suggest you strengthen your punctuation to really help guide your reader through the poem.

humanities sin
humanity’s sin

this palm on your  - I think just place “my” palm on your fface would give the poem a little stronger oomph here.

Also,  help with  the satire – how about:

If you don’t accept Christ,
then your life I’ll forsake
and seal your soul for eternity… – emphasis on the I’ll instead of Christ actually doing it.

You might try some other play on words here too soul/sole – palm/psalm—phlights-flights
Overall I really like it and I really like the concept – let me know if you repost.

i understand what you were trying to do with this peice. this really does sum up what religon is.