Flash Fiction / To You, My Love

As a fellow computer/internet addict, I have a real appreciation for the message of this piece.  You have some room to play here (the thousand word thing) so I make the following suggestions:

Second paragraph:  Tell a little more about how safe and secure you feel, which enables you to be outgoing and unafraid.  I wouldn’t say “before you.”  Try “without you” and see how that strikes you.  Personally, with a few exceptions, I’m still socially stinted outside my internet relationships.

Sharing:  what about secrets and past sins?

I might switch the second and third paragraphs.  In the first you’ve asked “what will I be in the mood for?”  The paragraph after that doesn’t relate to this question but the third does.  However, being separated by the un-question related paragraph makes the third awkward to read.  Like my last sentence! :/

Fourth paragraph:  I know what you’re saying, but “hopeless” seems pretty strong.  Maybe it’s my personal experience interfering with my read.  I’m thinking stunted and unexposed, like a flower trying to grow in the shade.

Fifth paragraph:  This would be a good place to mention the warmth provided.  (You know how the bottom of the laptop makes the tops of your legs hot?)

Great piece!

I didn’t read the earlier version of this, but I think that it is fairly clear this is about the internet and not TV. Sharing photos and playing games definitely seem more like details about the internet, and the last paragraph has details related to computers.

I don’t know what you’re intention is with this piece, but I think it could be expanded on to make a full short story. As it is, it is more of a description than a short story, so it just seems like a beginning of something. But it is well written and disturbing.

attracive=attractive

“My new friends and I, we play games,” I think this sentence would flow better if you dropped the “we”

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March 22, 2009

by webwriter

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
47	72.0% (25 votes)	18.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
43	F	New Port Richey, FL	April 24

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Hello,

What an easy review. Your display of such mind felt clear-cut emotions are laid down so perfectly. There is nothing here to crititize, nothing, for you are simply conveying raw emotion for your true love, awesome and well done!
You know, after reading this I think you just may want to check out vay_pure on this site.

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March 17, 2009

by webwriter

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
47	72.0% (25 votes)	18.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
43	F	New Port Richey, FL	April 24

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Sounds like a hurtcry from the Animo-Robot MkIV (manufactured in Kyoto).

The title made think of dream-dancing punk nymph PJ Harvey, and she is a potent metaphor for the realm of the screenlife. We are in love with the dancing images and sounds we see on screen, which dissolve into idle fantasy when outside amid the whores and brats, and this alternate reality is an aphrodisiac for the intercourse we are not having. If only computers could be lovers… yes, that’s quite a concept!

We could make love and correct our spelling errors at the same time! Have you ever lovespurted over a misplaced comma, O Writer?

I suggest maybe “touched by your presence” to hint at a little below-desk autoerotic endeavour. Plus a sweet Blondie reference.

Dash placement is askew… should be between words.

“forever inner thoughts” is awkward.

“become more” = becoming?

Sleeping with his computer! Yes, quite an idea! I think you should make more references to the hard driving lust or the chipped memories, that sort of thing. Subtleness, comrade.

Loved.

Miki

Nice work.  Personally, I didn’t need the explanation prior to the story.  I really, really like the “not knowing” who or what the true love is.  For me, the reveal at the end makes this much more powerful and a sad but true statement of our world today.  

I enjoyed this a lot and feel that it could be expanded upon, with a little more added detail the revalation at the end could be even more powerful.

A new perspective on an everyday object, and one that is quite pertinent to today’s society given the overreliance of some people on electronic devices. Good job – I really enjoyed it.

I am so confused who is ‘my love’ at first it seemed as though this was another living being but then at the end you mention a power button and it just completely through the whole thing into a downward spirsl of confusion, and the end leaves very little clue as to the exact object you are speaking of.

This was wonderful use of metaphor talking to your laptop (PC) as a lover. I definitely would not have gotten it until the end so thanks for the note at the beginning. I didn’t really see anything wrong with your writing and only caught one error (attracive-should be attractive).  Personally, I don’t think you need to expand this piece.  You pretty much got your point across.  I think if you make it too long, you may lose your readers’ attention.  Great job!

I like the fast pace here. This seems like an internal monologue with an air of mystery at the end. It’s interesting and leaves me wanting more, yes you could expand upon it. What does the beloved look like? I want to see more of the character.

without having read the notes for reviewers, it was obvious that this was about a computer, mainly the internet. if that was your goal, you hit the target flawlessly. but other than that, this was honestly a boring read.