Thank you!
Flash Fiction / To You, My Love
I wake each morning and can't wait to touch you. I am amazed at how much you must love me. What will we be in the mood for today? Shopping - you are a patient shopper, never complaining or rushing me along. We could talk, we are such communicators! Hours can go by and I won't have realized the time. I am so touched by your presence.
I dream of places to go- Scotland, Australia, perhaps Greece. Together we’ll plan and prepare for trips we will never take- but it’s a wonderful diversion! You take me all over the world, if only in my mind.
I write you letters, going on and on, revealing my true feelings; sharing my deepest thoughts and darkest secrets. You never speak over me or criticize.
I so love to ask you questions. You always know the answers! You educate me; the mental stimulation often stronger than the physical. Your intelligence is attractive and enticing; it pulls me even more into you.
You introduce me to new friends, so many friends! Once shy and unapproachable, with you I am outgoing and afraid of nothing. I enjoy deep conversations and more- so much more! I was once so lonely and inhibited, now I feel free to stretch the limits all because of you, my darling.
The experiences you have shown me have taken me to new highs. The adrenaline rushes and all that comes with them, with you I never know what I will find.
I will forever run to you when times get tough. For where others have left me, you remain by my side. We will curl up in bed and the cold, cold world will melt away. It’s just you and me, my love. I pull you closer, feel your heat and become more engrossed in your presence. This is where I need to be.
The day comes to an end, eventually it must. I fear having to close my eyes and not see you. Reality is so harsh, even in the night. I fight these fears as I know I will wake to you again, ready for the day’s adventures, comfort and sweet bliss.
I roll over to reach for my nightstand. My fingers ever so gently touch your glowing place and I watch as you slowly shut down into your deep sleep. You are my love; my life; my sweet diversion.
Tomorrow, my darling, tomorrow…..
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dcelia reviewed Version 2 -
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Ouch, webwriter! I read this and first was so warmed by the thought that you had found someone – a person – that gave you true happiness. But as i got closer and closer to the end I felt as if i was looking in the mirror at myself. Dare I say I might touch my laptop and my blackberry more than my wife? Even if it is not true, you got me to stop and think about it. And if you get people to think then you have suceeded in writing something that moves.
I think this does have potential for you to expand upon. I bet many have similar stories to tell of their relationship with technology. What about from different perspectives? You wrote from the point of view of a love affair. What about addiction? Lifelong friendship? Love-hate? Parent-child (are you submissive to the computer or vice-versa)? I bet you could find someone that uses their computer exclusively for physical pleasure, so there is another angle. There are likely others too.
Nice work
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seanjx reviewed Version 2 -
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I didn’t read the earlier version of this, but I think that it is fairly clear this is about the internet and not TV. Sharing photos and playing games definitely seem more like details about the internet, and the last paragraph has details related to computers.
I don’t know what you’re intention is with this piece, but I think it could be expanded on to make a full short story. As it is, it is more of a description than a short story, so it just seems like a beginning of something. But it is well written and disturbing.
attracive=attractive
“My new friends and I, we play games,” I think this sentence would flow better if you dropped the “we”
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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Very good. I was expecting it to be a bottle of booze at the end, but still funny. I don’t quite get the shopping line; if it is a TV remote, then aside from the home shopping network, I don’t see how they could shop together.
On the flip side, all the “could” statements are inspired. You lay out the reveal without being overt about it. Bravo.
dayzed_n_confucius reviewed Version 1 -
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Hello,
What an easy review. Your display of such mind felt clear-cut emotions are laid down so perfectly. There is nothing here to crititize, nothing, for you are simply conveying raw emotion for your true love, awesome and well done!
You know, after reading this I think you just may want to check out vay_pure on this site.
deathspeaker reviewed Version 1 -
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Funny, cute, etc. Now! meat and veggies of this piece!
I-I-I you sure have a lot of “I” in a piece that is supposed to be about someone else. “I did this” “I did that” “I think this” gets boring (even in a small piece like flash fiction) Reshape your sentences to remove the uninteresting repetition.
Second…what is the name? Anyone that emotionally and MENTALLY obsessed would name the subject of their affection. And since we are not really supposed to feel for the nutjob, let us feel for the companion.
Grammar, punctuation looks good from here.
Good luck.
ShadowHeadley reviewed Version 2 -
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I am so confused who is ‘my love’ at first it seemed as though this was another living being but then at the end you mention a power button and it just completely through the whole thing into a downward spirsl of confusion, and the end leaves very little clue as to the exact object you are speaking of.
wisedec4u reviewed Version 2 -
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This was wonderful use of metaphor talking to your laptop (PC) as a lover. I definitely would not have gotten it until the end so thanks for the note at the beginning. I didn’t really see anything wrong with your writing and only caught one error (attracive-should be attractive). Personally, I don’t think you need to expand this piece. You pretty much got your point across. I think if you make it too long, you may lose your readers’ attention. Great job!
s2poets reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the fast pace here. This seems like an internal monologue with an air of mystery at the end. It’s interesting and leaves me wanting more, yes you could expand upon it. What does the beloved look like? I want to see more of the character.
CourtshipLives reviewed Version 2 -
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without having read the notes for reviewers, it was obvious that this was about a computer, mainly the internet. if that was your goal, you hit the target flawlessly. but other than that, this was honestly a boring read.
MacCrasik reviewed Version 2 -
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As a fellow computer/internet addict, I have a real appreciation for the message of this piece. You have some room to play here (the thousand word thing) so I make the following suggestions:
Second paragraph: Tell a little more about how safe and secure you feel, which enables you to be outgoing and unafraid. I wouldn’t say “before you.” Try “without you” and see how that strikes you. Personally, with a few exceptions, I’m still socially stinted outside my internet relationships.
Sharing: what about secrets and past sins?
I might switch the second and third paragraphs. In the first you’ve asked “what will I be in the mood for?” The paragraph after that doesn’t relate to this question but the third does. However, being separated by the un-question related paragraph makes the third awkward to read. Like my last sentence! :/
Fourth paragraph: I know what you’re saying, but “hopeless” seems pretty strong. Maybe it’s my personal experience interfering with my read. I’m thinking stunted and unexposed, like a flower trying to grow in the shade.
Fifth paragraph: This would be a good place to mention the warmth provided. (You know how the bottom of the laptop makes the tops of your legs hot?)
Great piece!
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