Flash Fiction / To You, My Love

Funny, cute, etc. Now! meat and veggies of this piece!

I-I-I you sure have a lot of “I” in a piece that is supposed to be about someone else. “I did this” “I did that” “I think this” gets boring (even in a small piece like flash fiction) Reshape your sentences to remove the uninteresting repetition.

Second…what is the name? Anyone that emotionally and MENTALLY obsessed would name the subject of their affection. And since we are not really supposed to feel for the nutjob, let us feel for the companion.

Grammar, punctuation looks good from here.

Good luck.

This is best suited as a drabble – 100 words.  I say this because of the feel and flow as well as the intended surprise of the “love” being a computer at the ending.  I would recommend attempting to accomplish this same thing within 100 words.

Otherwise; please be aware that the more words used in flash fiction the more is expected from it.  With 300+ words, I was expecting more character development, which this piece sorely lacks. The POV character has no substance – maybe that is intentional so they can be everyman, but it didn’t work for me.  The reason it didn’t work is that for a person to be obsessed with an object instead of a person as a “lover” there has to be some issue with the person.  They have had a lot of breakups, their partner ignores or belittles them, they are isolated, they are bullied… and so-on.

So if you are looking to expand, I would recommend developing the POV character out more, give him/her some flesh, some history.  Give us some depth of their hurt/loneliness/need.

Good luck.

The voice is still very poetic.  I can tell that you normally write poetry over prose.

There wasn’t much mystery for  me.  I was pretty sure you were talking to your computer from the get-go.  It may have been a good guess because I’m not seeing anything to obvious to tip me off.  

If you want to break out of poetry try constructing longer sentences.  Make them more complex.  Short ones when you need punch long ones to draw us in.

Example:  ”I love to ask you…You educate me.”  could be more like, “I ask you questions, and I love that you always have the answers.  You always take the time to educate me.”

Attractive is spelled wrong.

Yes, I think it could be expanded upon.  It doesn’t need to be a longer piece but it could use some development.

Interesting – it’s not a very far break from poetry. More like poetry arranged into paragraphs, like how I love thee, let me count the ways. Cute ending!

This is much better than the poetry one I just reviewed.  OK, so you have to be kidding around in some way?  I hope, right?  May I suggest more sarcasm, more white out, more commercialization.  This is a great idea, knowing how to effectively present the idea could be another story.  Don’t worry about what anyone will think, especially since it is now moving into a humorous piece.  Please don’t give the TV a name, then it would not be as funny.
One suggestion I have for now is the part about writing letters.  You are not writing letters to your t.v., so maybe go along the lines of “I could write letters while you are…planning at trip to…?”
Also, I would be more direct, like “You educate me” is not necessary.  
I like how this is just an object, and even so, I find it intriguing how you are choosing to talk about it.

You definitely entertained me…didn’t expect for one minute you were talking about the tv.

I’m not real clear on what entails something as flash fiction but this was kind of sing songy like poems can be. Nice try and I would definitely expand.

“I could write”- run on. Full stop after “letters” would work.

Why those three countries? This is a prime opportunity to flesh out the two characters. What would they enjoy there and why?

“The mental stimulation”- this is a very technical way of writing about your feelings- a topic that is much more emotional than technical.

“end, eventually”-run on again.

The ending is a little unclear- is he a robot? Or some kind of sex doll? Why does he have a power button? Is it some kind of sexual metaphor?

You’ve got something here- it could do with fleshing out a bit. You give good descriptions of emotions, and I’d like to see them in a clearer format.

Hello,

What an easy review. Your display of such mind felt clear-cut emotions are laid down so perfectly. There is nothing here to crititize, nothing, for you are simply conveying raw emotion for your true love, awesome and well done!
You know, after reading this I think you just may want to check out vay_pure on this site.

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March 17, 2009

by webwriter

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Very good. I was expecting it to be a bottle of booze at the end, but still funny. I don’t quite get the shopping line; if it is a TV remote, then aside from the home shopping network, I don’t see how they could shop together.

On the flip side, all the “could” statements are inspired. You lay out the reveal without being overt about it. Bravo.

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March 20, 2009

by webwriter

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I didn’t read the earlier version of this, but I think that it is fairly clear this is about the internet and not TV. Sharing photos and playing games definitely seem more like details about the internet, and the last paragraph has details related to computers.

I don’t know what you’re intention is with this piece, but I think it could be expanded on to make a full short story. As it is, it is more of a description than a short story, so it just seems like a beginning of something. But it is well written and disturbing.

attracive=attractive

“My new friends and I, we play games,” I think this sentence would flow better if you dropped the “we”

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March 22, 2009

by webwriter

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43	F	New Port Richey, FL	April 24

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