Good point.
On a side note… I hate Hemingway.
LOL
Short Story / Spring Writing (6-word)
Sunshine streaming, sapping will... maybe tomorrow.
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MacCrasik reviewed Version 1 -
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How true.
I’m distracted by all the s’s. It starts out as a tongue twister (may be just me vs. dental work), and would be cool if you could think of a way to end on this note as well. It also slowed me down the first time through, instead of “scanning,” which is so easy to do on these. Clever use of punction. The elipsis indicates indecision, the waffling, thinking up excuses. The period indicates decision made.
Most writers should be able to relate.
Shiara
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squarehopper reviewed Version 1 -
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You are giving us too much. I would prefer to lead to the conclusion instead of being spoon fed. With 6 words, it is best to let me be your partner and help create the story with you as I read and reflect.
Remember Hemingway’s? For Sale. Baby Shoes. Never worn.
He sets up the situation but the story is really in my mind because he made me be his partner in crime.
good luck.
bsheldon reviewed Version 1 -
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Very honest. I think you did a great job with this.
Smileydimplz5764 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the sense of being tired, your energy gone or taken from you. Its so true and relate-able!
NachtXEngel reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it! Short, sweet and simple. Gets the point across. Great work with the form for a first time!
piper1468 reviewed Version 1 -
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Well I like the sunshine streaming visual that appears in my head. The sapping I begin to think of bees and woodpeckers but after I read the “maybe tomorrow” part it leaves me thinking that there was a storm or something that caused there to be no sunshine or sapping.
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this could be improved, a switch maybe?
No sunshine, only rain…maybe tomorrow.
Because it makes you wonder why the sun is sapping the individuals will, sunshine should invigorate. Unless it’s a desert scene, but that’s really hard to convey with six words, unless: Desert, sun sapping will, need water.
Etc.
Hope this helps, good start!
william_white reviewed Version 1 -
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This six-word memoir is very good. After reading the first 2 words “Sunshine streaming,” you had me worried. Then you pulled an unexpected 180—and immediately brought a smile to my face. Great misdirection. Good example of self-deprecating humor and/or dark comedy. I have 1 suggestion: you could end the memoir with another ellipsis. Either way, terrific first attempt!
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