I guess you might have to know something about what’s going on to understand what I was writing about. Even though a majority of Israelis say they want a two-state solution (a Palestinian state as well as an Israeli one) they keep electing politicians who are destroying any hope of a Palestinian state. So, my point is, actions speak louder than words, not simply, “war is bad.”
Poetry / Israeli Liberal
You wail and say “how could we?”
You wring your hands with guilt
You speak of grief and sympathy
Toward the ones you killed
I don’t believe the sorrow
As your army bombs a city
I know you’ll bomb again tomorrow
Despite your self-indulgent pity
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gregfool reviewed Version 1 -
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L2 is I think a cliche in writing at this point. Inconsistent punctuation.
Lacks and emotional punch as you’ve told us everything to feel. I like the Stanza 2, however with out any imagery it rather fails as a poem.
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melsicle1 reviewed Version 1 -
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nice use of the phrase self-indulgent pity
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 1 -
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You made your point -very- well. But that’s easy to do with such a short blunt piece. I’d really like to see you elaborate a little more, build another two stanzas. So you know though, I am totally with you in regards to this. The amount of “friendly” fire and “accidental” deaths just kept rising in that conflict. I even remembering getting extremely angry one week after hearing of 3 similar instances in a 4 day period. Isn’t the army meant to be strategic?
Great poem, good political point.
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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You tell us directly what you feel without use metaphor, simile, or poetic device.
The direct rhyme scheme did little to change or effect the message.
The cynicism is understandable, but maybe fell a little short in delivering the intended anger.
With political conflicts, it’s difficult not to oversimplify matters.
I wasn’t convinced that the ones who felt sorry for what happened were the problem. Perhaps the ones who feel it’s an appropriate response are more at fault?
I felt that the bombing, with or without pity from the aggressor, was the crime. As a reader this puts me in an awkward position of wanting to agree with you, but thinking that your outrage is misdirected.
Gazala reviewed Version 1 -
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applause very well said! applause again perhaps the line : i dont believe the sorrow—could be edited into i dont believe in your sorrow. and also the line: i know you’ll bomb again tomorrow- the bomb sounds too repetitive. perhaps you could say: i know you’ll destroy tomorrow. =)
on the whole, this piece is superb. it reflects the hypocrisy layering this world…=) brilliant!!! this is one of my favorites.
cheers!
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