Horror / For Whom the Death Bell Tolls
"Heh heh heh heh heh.", the creature spoke, "Are you ready to die you pathetic fool? Did you actually think you defeat an immortal Chaos of the Court?
"Wha... What are you?", the man spoke. By now his body was bleeding heavily, trickling out of his mouth, and down his neck. Whatever this thing was, it was much more powerful than any human or........ demon. The past two days began to flash before him. Only at noon yesterday had he stopped to rest in this long forgotten ghost town. The reason he stopped here is because he had been taken care of when he got in a wreck here twenty years ago. This town has, excuse me, used to have such incredible hospitality. Now it was controlled by this thing. All he did was walk into the town mall, and half and hour later, it appeared. His flashback was interrupted by a sudden growl.
"I have grown tired of you human. It is time to kill you so I can eat at the court with my master. But before I kill you, out of respect, I shall tell you my official name in the Chaos Empire. I am the Black and White Jester." he growled, "And I shall kill you with my most famous technique. The Jester's Death Bells." As soon as he finished his last word, a bell tower began to rise from underneath his feet. It had this strange circular figure with an eye in the middle and eight arrows coming out from all around me. Finally he shouted, "For whom the Death Bell tolls, it tolls for the." A mark appeared on his neck, and twelve minutes later, he was dead as dirt, lying on the ground cold hearted.
He mumbled out these last words, "For...Forgive m.. me............" And with that, he was gone forever. Not even his soul survived the Jester's feast. No memory of that man was left. His complete existance was washed into the tide, just like the million other victims of the Chaos Empire.
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Ok, this is a pretty good, and well written peice. I only notice one error and that is when you say “For whome the Death Bell tolls, it tolls for the.” It should be thee not the. Also in the last paragraph does the guy say “forgive me” or the demon, its a little confusing to me.
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It reads like a comic book. Choppy sentences that run into each other creating a shallow story. It would be much better if there were picutres to go along with it. Alone by itself though it lacks any substance for the reader to hold onto. The fear of the creature is not coming through the text. If you could add more defintion to what the creature looks like and where it comes from, this could build the fear level. Also a little more should be known about the man so that the reader could identify with him. If you can bring real fear to the reader so that they believe it could happen to them, then it will jump off the page at them. If you just rework it and add more details it would be greatly improved. I am all for strange creatures killing folks so I hope you continue you work.
“Heh, heh, heh,” the creature laughed? This sounds a bit better, and avoids the repetition of the ”...the man spoke.” in the next line. I think it would be more effective if you dropped the “HEH, HEH, HEH” AND JUST START WITH ‘The creature laughed” or “An evil snarl of pleasure escaped the creature”, or similar.
I also don’t think you should say that the last two days flashed before him. As it is, he is probably not in a state of mind to be thinking about that. Just start a new paragraph and let the narrator tell us his story. It’s in 3rd person POV, so you can use this technique easily :)
“I have grown tired of you[,] human…” this part was amusing to me.
Dead. Even destroyed his soul. A very unique idea. I like the concept you have going on.
I’m curious, the mark that appeared on his neck, what did it look like?
He mumbles out words after you (the narrator) has pronounced him dead.
“Strange circular figure…” what’s strange about it? When you use words like that, it is much better to go ahead and explain the ‘strange’ or ‘weird’ instead of telling us simply that it was strange. And when it rose from the ground, did it break the earth and crash through, or did it simply begin to assemble itself? These might be some good details to add to the imagery.
But it strikes a chord of originality, and I find it a compelling STORY, though it seriously needs to be polished. Keep at it!
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