Dear ;
If the safety of the region is at stake, I believe there would be more people involved than just a handful of main characters. Many people would try to take part in some way, even if they are not connected with the main characters. The Shadow of Chea’Laern is a completed 131,000 word Sword and Sorcery Fantasy; the first book of a trilogy. In my novel, magic is metaphysical; energy based, sourced from the energy of one’s soul. Anyone can find their magic since it comes from within, but not everyone has the discipline or motivation to do so. Since magic is neither arcane nor divine, and because even the average person can charge up and take part in the plot, I feel my story targets non-fantasy readers as well as fantasy readers and perhaps will make the reader feel they, too, can take part in the larger picture.
A mage aspiring to earn the title Master in the Hosttowers of Nimbdell is charged with the quest to seek and capture a dangerous sentient artifact in order to graduate. But before Secile formally accepts the quest, a friend asks her to find the daughter he had sent away to a valley village when his wife died after giving birth to the girl. Because the artifact is believed to be lying dormant, Secile accepts her friend’s request and journeys to the eastern valley to, where the infant was sent.
While investigating tales about the founders of her secluded valley village, sixteen year old Kaia-mei discovers the truth of her past with the tragic loss of the man she thought was her father. She must learn to control a frightening power inherited from her late mother, and face her future as the valley is swept up in Secile’s quest; a battle for the safety of the entire region. As the battle unfolds the secrets of the valley’s founders resurface, heroes are born from unexpected men, and a mysterious light emerges from a source no one would have expected. But is it enough to save the region?
I won an essay contest for Colorado State University’s “Envisioning Our Environmental Future” in 2000. A paragraph from my essay, “The Future We Spawn,” was published in a local newsletter “Sierra Weekly.” In my High School’s Literary Magazine, The Oracle 2000-2001, nineteen poems and one essay were published. I completed an eighteen week course from Long Ridge Writer’s Group in 2002. I’ve loved writing since I was a child.
Outlines for books two and three are available upon request. Please find a synopsis and the first three chapters of my novel, with a SASE enclosed for your convenience. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
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This is a good letter, it’s brief and to the point which is everything you want if you’re writing to somewhere as big as this. You give a very good idea of your background and why you definitely should have your novel published.
Obviously like you said you’ll have your personal details at the top of the letter followed by all that is necessary at the bottom of the letters.
But yes, on the whole this is a good letter, good luck and i hope your novel gets published :)
Since magic is neither arcane nor divine, and because even the average person can charge up and take part in the plot, I feel my story targets non-fantasy readers as well as fantasy readers and perhaps will make the reader feel they, too, can take part in the larger picture. – Its a bit too wordy, consider breaking it up into two sentences instead of one long continuous thought.
As to the second paragraph.I think it sounds better to have the mage’s name start out the paragraph.
Other than that, it sounds interesting, good hook and I didn’t see any grammar or spelling issues other than the one I mentioned already.
The first two sentences don’t seem relevant.
Italicize the title of your novel.
“131,000 word Sword and Sorcery Fantasy; the first” – “131,000-word sword-and-sorcery fantasy, the first”
I recommend you mention whether or not you have written any more of this trilogy; no one wants to accept Book One of something only to learn that Book Two doesn’t exist and possibly never will.
“magic is metaphysical” – What else would it be?
colon, not semicolon, after “metaphysical”
“energy based” – hyphenate
Don’t explain how you came up with the idea for the magic; just tell the basics of what happens in the story.
“to the eastern valley to, where” – confusing
“sixteen year old” – hyphenate
comma after “As the battle unfolds”
“I completed an eighteen week course from Long Ridge Writer’s Group in 2002.” This is the only part of your credentials that really matters here, assuming the writing course is a recognized one.
“Please find a synopsis and the first three chapters of my novel, with a SASE enclosed for your convenience.” – Not the best phrasing. Better would be “I have enclosed a synopsis and the first three chapters of The Shadow of Chea’Laern. (Tell them the title again – it’ll help it stick in their minds.)
I think you should get rid of the second sentance. I really don’t think it’s important for an agent to know, you don’t want them to even think that they won’t be connected to the main character. It kind of makes it sound like you doubt your novel. Whoever told you to get rid of the trilogy gave you bad advice, I think it’s a good idea because that means you’re serious and you have more then one book completed, which would impress an agent.
I read an article an interview of one of the top agents. She said she could care less how long people have been writing for or if they love writing, so I would suggest taking out this line “I’ve loved writing since I was a child.” It’s something agents see as amature, they just really care about credientals, which you seem to have some with the contests.
Concise and clear. I think a couple of things could be improved, though:
“journeys to the eastern valley to, where the infant was sent.”
Is there any need for a comma here?
“I’ve loved writing since I was a child.”
Maybe it would be best to mention this before you list you achievements? It being at the end made it seemed more like a plea than a confident statement.
Other than that, it seems solid, and I certainly enjoyed the synopsis of the book itself. At first it seemed cliché enough to be considered (if it’s written as competantly as this letter), and then you said:
“I feel my story targets non-fantasy readers as well as fantasy readers”
...which I feel could be the turning point from a maybe to a yes from an agency. Maybe if you could add a couple more sentences in about the target audience you would stand even more of a chance?
Hope I’ve been of help,
Fionn
You need some sort of a hook into your letter – just like you would for a story. They will look at this and say, “Can’t hook me into reading a letter – how can he/she hook me into a 132k book?”
You could start with – have you ever wondered if there are secrets in your past that you haven’t yet discovered… or something that ties into the book that way.
I’ve attempted to….no! You are the author – don’t “attempt” – the wording here makes it sound like you are unsure of whether you succeeded. Perhaps make a direct tie into the historical fiction genre.
Why does poetry published in a high school lit magazine boost your resume on fiction? Mentioning high school pieces and small local newsletters make you come across as a big risk.
A big fan of imagination? Who isn’t? How does this excite them about your book?
You have a short space to draw them in and “sell” them on your book. This needs some reworking. Based on the writing here – and the lack of a hook, I would not read the synopsis, or the chapters.
You have to PROVE you’re worth it.
IMHO I don’t think that as written the first sentence works at all. It sounds like that you’ve done something wrong and are trying to justify it. It makes it sound like there is a lot of pointless characters that have nothing to do with the main plot, which isn’t true. But, I think you’re on the right track! How about asking a question? If the safety of the region were at stake, how many people would (band together or step forward) to take part in some way? How many unlikely heroes would emerge? Or something like that.
“In my novel,” extra words.
“I feel” don’t use phrases like this.
Second paragraph, first two sentences work just fine.
It gets better each time.
As per your instructions, in the first paragraph there are a couple of grammar items you might want to look at.
First – “-—energy based, AND sourced-—“
Second – Grammar texts will say “-—Anyone can find HIS magic-—“
Third – Add a comma in the last sentence between “readers” and “and.”
As to the start of the second paragraph, I do feel it is more effective to put the name up front. ”Secile, a mage—-” Also I think she was charged what “a” quest, not “the” quest.
Hope this was of some help.
Comments: This is much improved. I really have to hand it to you that you know the mechanics of a query. You have the pitch, the brief summary, and all the subtle extras that they require, BRAVO.
Suggestions: I would take out all your “feel” statements. This will make it more concrete. Such as “I feel my story,” just say “My story will…”. Also, your first sentence really needs to grab your attention and it isn’t. I don’t really know your story just what you have said in the letter but perhaps try your line, “heroes are born from unexpected men, and a mysterious light emerges from a source no one would have expected.” Again my suggestion stands on “please find,” I’d have it as, “You’ll find.” Good work though!
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