Lyrics / Origami
This is where the umbrellas parade
And filter rain on churning sulfur seas
Dangling from the night and softly swaying
Hung from the heights with telephone cables
This is where her feet brush the waves
The origami forms of the fishes in the depth
Flee with fear from her shimmering shadow
In contrast to negative spaces in her eyes
She traces the forms
She traces the lines
She traces her fingers
The origami seas swallow deep
And her shadow disappears
This is where the lines of the ocean meet
And her blue eyes drown in the horizon
No sense of time, no sense at all
Her naked figure sways and turns
Her face is white, her face is white
And she drowns in something deeper
Not where the ocean meets the shore
Or where the ocean meets the sky
Swallowed in damp pages of origami things
She traces the forms
She traces the lines
She traces her fingers
The origami seas swallow deep
And her shadow disappears
This is where her hands touch the glass
And feel for what must be a way out
of the aquarium, of the aquarium
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Your lyrics flow very well and create good visuals that makes it easy for me to picture what is going on. For some reason, I couldn’t get to page two even though I kept trying, leaving this review and coming back. I don’t know if the problem is on my end or not. I would definitely like to see the ending.
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This is one of the better pieces I’ve personally read in awhile. You gave me a clear and concise picture of what you wanted the reader to see, and I applaud you for that.
My favourite line, is: Because it gives us an insight to where she is and how shes feeling inside.
Bravo. Looking forward to hearing from you again. Hopefully soon ;)
I simply can’t hear some of the lines set to music; they lack the self-contained flow of the others.
Specifically in stanza # – line # format:
1-3
2-1
2-4
4-3
4-4
Was it mis-submitted as lyrics? It’s otherwise a beautiful poem, though end-line punctuation would help guide rather than detract.
For some reason I couldn’t click next page. I tried refreshing the page and it still wouldn’t work. I could only read page 1.
So far it definitely is surreal and abstract! I enjoyed the sense of freedom it seems to paint. It reminds me of The Beatles! :) Well done!
The interface is not letting me view the second page. I am only able to read to “Her naked figure sways and turns”
While I understand that you are shooting for surrealism, the second verse seems artificial, in particular I would try and find a different way of saying “In contrast to negative spaces in her eyes.” The rest of the poem (that I can see) does dlow one to the next, carrying the reader along.
Though imagery is important in a surrealist type poem, I think you definately had that in your favor in comparison to lyrics. Isn’t there a painting of umbrellas and naked women by the same artist? Interesting parts being the first line, I think you should leave out “This is..”, your giving your painting or work a specific environment, the ocean or sea and with these two words, you gave it a date/time. It would be better if the imagery was timeless, like in the last stanza. I liked the part that I assume was chorus but the rest needs a little more tying in for me. The part, “origami forms of the fishes…” maybe make it “origami forms like the fishes of the depths.” It creates a metaphor, meaning more imagery. It seems as if surrealism is where you want it to be then it is more or less but to create a masterpiece or close, you need to make some more tied together images to blend it all together. Otherwise it is like the painting of a man in suit with umbrellas. Hope this was helpful???
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