SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
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First thing I noticed was the odd length. Although, different agents and/or editors require different lengths the most common length send with a query is one page single spaced, and five pages when sent with a manuscript.
The explanation of Vaulinguelitaya (how long did it take you to get this spelling down, anyway?) is too long. I would make the explanation as short as possible. All the details are not needed. Just give the agent/editor enough so the understand it’s significance.
I’ve never seen a synopsis with a forward before. Why did you chose to do that?
Overall, as a synopsis I think this is confusing. There are too many subplots listed. What or who is the main plot about? Vaulinquelitaya Kaia-mei, Secile, Brinney, Rahmina? Make the main focus of the synopsis the main plot point. Then pick only a few subplots to list. An agent or editor is going to read this before they read the whole manuscript. They need a brief clear description what the story is about. I know it’s hard. I struggle with it to. We love all our subplots and it’s hard to leave any of them out, let alone decide which if any should be included in a synopsis. It can be madden at times, but there just isn’t the page space to include very many of them.
“daggers named Amethyx,” not sure you need the name of the daggers here. You have a lot of difficult names to remember. Keep the synopsis as simple as possible.
“return with Mia’traline” You haven’t told who this is – but probably all the reader needs to know at this point is that the body and dagger gone.
“She loses her dagger” Not sure this is important enough to list here.
“Gurandi returns and learns of Kaia-mei’s …of battle and death cries, and runs out of hiding to find her father.” This can be shortened a bit. This isn’t clear that father dies. You say death cries, but you don’t say who, and you don’t indicate that she sees her father’s body.
“She plots to succeed” Be careful about adding too many subplots.
“they hid a tome they’d” It’s not clear who they are.
“They hold a funeral for Gurandi,” something else you could cut out for a shorter version. In the grand scheme of things Gurandi’s funeral is not important.
“with a dangerous foe,” here I’d be more specific. Dangerous foe sounds like a human adversary.
“Nineteen year old Vansea Borneduce” This seems more like a subplot that doesn’t need to be mentioned.
“serious damage,” be more specific. What she about to kill him, maim him, what?
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