The item you were looking for was deleted.

Poetry / Rent

Here, have the earth under my nails.
The pure azure, of my cracking lips.
Take a spoon, to the witch hazel
the delicacy of my eyes.
I will even squeeze out, a clear-cut white diamond-
A heart braking crown- to hang it on.
I will take tweezers to my boredom,
Like some would, a syringe to a poppy.
I will let you digest the ore of my soul,
for it speaks in tongues with yours,
for a price of meal-for my beer to be refilled.
Rent for my cracked ceiling,
For my slab bed -for the souls on my boots.
It will pay my advance, on the backhanded medicine.
From the -doctor of all possibility’s.
its my down payment, for my room in the clouds.
I need more materials! More experiences!
I need your coins to afford to love.
To call my passion work,
To Stamp my passport, with pastures new.
As I can’t accept the emptiness, of your eyes
or the warmth of your- skin anymore.
There’s too many emotional overheads ,
And no profit to spoil myself.
I need crisp clean notes for these hours of severance…

You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.

Reviews

June 05, 2009

ListenerFriendly

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
152	90.5% (95 votes)	59.4%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	M	Frostburg, MD	October 12

ListenerFriendly reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

What I especially like about this piece is the constant flow of rich, vivid, and almost eccentric use of imagery that floods over the reader and almost drowns him. This is rich and has a great depth to it. This is a piece to be experienced… and then reread, again and again. It is good. The problem with the idea you put forth about having this published is that it doesn’t have broad, mass appeal. And that is why I like it. It is counter culture. So you need to find it its own venue, a more experimental publication. Yet I wouldn’t go all the way to see this piece as alien. It isn’t. It is real life, relatable. I can read it on many contexts, and that is a quality few possess and few appreciate.

As for corrections—I can’t really make any. This is almost complete. I imagine you will play with trivial word placement/choices… but that is for the author to toy with. The only word I would change for sure, is on the first line. I think “have” struck me the wrong way. What about “heave”? That might give it a nice touch.

Overall, a very fine piece that I am sure will receive the attention it deserves from the right audience. Perhaps an acquired taste—and that is why I like it! Keep it up.

add/view comments (0)

June 04, 2009

gting

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
127	74.6% (71 votes)	37.1%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
26	F	United States	October 21

gting reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

ok, so first things first. Put in some punctuation. It took me a moment to realise that the beginning of the poem is directed at someone. You should have some sort of punctuation after here.

Here!
Here-
Here.

All of the above would let your reader know that you are addressing someone..and this is a pretty important thing to get straight.

Punctuation will shape, enhance and give strength to your words. You need it. Otherwise the reader just races through your words and none of your fantastic lines line.

You have some great stuff here..I mean that first line is awesome. I love the way you write “earth under my nails” instead of “dirt”. Earth gives so much more and has such power, but we lose it, because you haven’t structured/formatted/punctuated your words.

In conclusion, become friends with commas and full stops and re-post this. I guarantee you, it will do wonders for your piece. Which, by they way is great :D