Scarlett_156 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really a fine piece of writing here. :)
Though your subject is homely and mundane, the narrative sparkles, bubbles, and sings. It overflows with warm humanity, an exultant voice that speaks to us richly of that happiness that only SEEMS rare because we so seldom really have it, but which is nonetheless accessible to all.
In the last few sentences the question of what exactly has made this “just another” day so remarkable for the protagonist is answered:
--Maybe it started with my friend coming by last night and all that whispering in the dark that ensued like childhood sleep-over but with uglier pajamas. I woke up happy, sleepy, hungry and now I’m going to sit back and pour a cup of tea brewed right at my desk.--
—a punch line delivered with the expertise of a seasoned stand-up comic, but in spite of all that technical ability so evident in every line, we never have trouble believing that this is an “ordinary” person we’re watching, whose thoughts we’re listening to as she starts “just another day”. She’s obviously not a person most of us would look at twice, but simply unique, warm, and intelligent the way so many “ordinary” people are.
This scene:
--I wasn’t brave enough to reveal my yolk covered stupidity. I opted for perpetual parental anxiety instead. We were covered with rain, so talk of the weather would have been down right cowardly--
--with the protagonist and her boss is quite outstanding. She’s not lost in her own specialness even on this special day, but still aware of others and their problems, needs, and quirks; one gets the impression that there’s no way this heroine can NOT be connected to everyone around her. When she doing the musing about the cakes and how office people interact over cakes--same thing. She’s a regular person, a mother, a working stiff, not rich, not privileged. She’s realistic about how she looks (“My hoodie-pulled hair rendered my cover-the-gray hairstyle all gray uncovered”)—she is neither narcissistic nor fatalistic, but a human being making the most of a few hours of joy, in her words, “celebrating”.
Again, the artistry with which this simple tale is constructed is only evident in the vibrant narration; the reader has to look carefully to find the really marvelous work, the REAL work, that went into this writing. For example:
After the second or third reading, I found myself wondering whether perhaps the protagonist was a little TOO bubbly and cheerful for my personal liking. “Maybe not realistic, after all…” I mused. “Who’s going to handle getting a mess like that all over themselves while driving, on the way to work, in the rain?”
But then I read it again, and here’s:
--They say that what you focus on you make more of and suddenly I was aware of other troubles. I had only my hoodie to keep my head dry and the rain was falling harder…--
Somehow--and I’m not entirely sure how you do this--she does not cross that line into sugary sweetness.
And this sequences sets up the encounter with her boss, which humanizes him, makes him real, too. It’s all real, this is a real person, these are real people, the setting is real, the drive to work is real, the lovingly-described “egg in a basket” is real.
It’s all real and it’s all “the color of yum”...! :D
I first read this piece a few days ago and I have to admit that it made me jealous. I can’t write stuff like this to save my life; with me stuff has to be weirdness, all full of kinks, flaws, and blemishes, if I am to be able to think of anything interesting to say about it. I consider that a problem with my writing, something I need to work on.
Here is one little thing that I thought didn’t quite fit:
--Is it any wonder I was inspired to make something good for breakfast? Chocolate milkshake are on the mind now.--
—because you say earlier that she’s allergic to chocolate. (Also, it should be “milkshakes are”, not “milkshake are”. Aside from that and one or two typos, however, I can’t find anything else that is wrong.
I hope this review is useful to you. Good luck!
~ yours in Chaos, Scarlett
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