Haiku/Senryu / In the rain (Analysis)

Would it be “OUR disappointment?” or rather “MY disappointment”?
I’m confused, this poem is so short I cannot understand what youre talking about.  And how does this relate to rain?

Keep working at it!

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October 10, 2009

by necessary824

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It’s short because it’s a haiku. It’s our disappointment – because it disappointed 2 people.
Standing in the rain – thinking you’re gettig you first kiss….

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I like this because of the story it paints in my mind (nice job with that), but I feel like the last line could use a bit of work. This piece needs one more image. Keep working at it.

Happy writing.

-K.S.

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August 10, 2009

by necessary824

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Thanks – being more specific (like what image) what story did it paint? would be helpful though.

August 10, 2009

by neverisapromise

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What image you add depends on the point you wanted to accomplish with this piece. I just feel that this wouldn’t work without the title (which I needed to paint the whole picture). But, reading it over, I think that perhaps I was a little too hasty in my review and that changing this isn’t exactly necessary. I love the feeling of suspense and tension that it provokes. Up to you :)

-K.S.

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Exactly 5/7/5, and I like how you used less words, that had a bigger effect. This antisapates how people hesatate to do anything when its reaining, how you are nervous to cross the street in rain, and how kids can’t play outside because its raining. This was amazing

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June 16, 2009

by necessary824

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had more to do with tension between people.

June 18, 2009

by JigglePuff12

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oh, sorry! i guess everyone reads poems differently, just like u always taught us

June 18, 2009

by necessary824

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true

June 20, 2009

by JigglePuff12

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lol i hope u had fun in NY

June 20, 2009

by necessary824

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I did!

June 27, 2009

by JigglePuff12

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good

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I like that you use the title-space to best effect.  I feel that it adds an interesting dimension to the meaning of your haiku.  I also like that there is a shift or turning of mood or expectation that mimics the traditional Japanese form.  Also the use of punctuation highlights and emphasizes the “hesitation.”  Overall, this is a great haiku, for its compact impact.  Keep on keeping on!

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June 16, 2009

by necessary824

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thanks! you’re the only person who’s picked up on the title being a part of it!

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Very solid. You’ve got the nature elements, you’ve got the “-ing” words, suggesting action or happening. My one suggesting might be to change the last line to “Disappointing us” as that has the same amount of syllables and jives with the tense of the rest of the piece.

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June 16, 2009

by necessary824

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good suggestion – thanks!

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This is beautiful.
It makes me think of someone waiting for another person dear to them outside in the rain. And when the person realize that the other person is not coming, he/she is disappointed. Nicely done. I love haikus. They’re awesome poems.

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June 08, 2009

by necessary824

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thank you!

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Here are my ideas:

Delete – “a” recommend find a “STRONG” monosyllabic to replace. :)
Delete “with my” – recommend adding a phrase to add suspence i.e. Waiting, time skips, heart pounding

Delete “our” – replace with a descriptive adjective.

Decent senryu but it can be and deserves to be stronger.  I hope I help you do just that.

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June 08, 2009

by necessary824

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you rock! thanks!

June 09, 2009

by squarehopper

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45	M	Bolingbrook, IL	November 18

not a problem….

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its difficult to critique a haiku. It holds up properly as one, and I like it. The dissapointment is vague and that makes it a bit better than an average haiku for me. It allows for me to interpret it into my own mindset. Good work coming up with originality in a structured format.