ok, but what did you like about it? What didn’t you like? Does everything add up? Should anything be changed? Are than any major mistakes? Please give me more to go one. I appreciate you reading, but it feels more like trying to gain points than review. Please, give me more to go on.
Young Adult / The Mermaid Chronicles: Samantha's Story (Analysis)
I remember it as if it were yesterday. It was the year of 1893 and I was 10 years old. My mother was in a horrible carraige accident and had passed away, leaving a painful, empty feeling inside me. I had run away from my home and gotten lost somewhere along the coastline. I remember running through trees and fields, and through blurred vision caused by my tears, I did not watch where I was going or where I had been. All I knew was that I was far from my home and I had no idea how to get back.
I was sitting on a rickety old dock crying when I first heard it, a beautiful melody that filled me up with warmth, and just the sound of it made the world seem okay for that moment. I felt so comforted by it, like drinking a hot cup of tea after being out in the cold. But where was it coming from?
I got up from the dock and walked down to the waters edge, hoping to hear it again. As I moved, the melody started to fade away. Fearing I would lose this this happy feeling that I hadn’t been able to feel since before my mother’s accident, I turned around and started the other way. I ran towards the sound which slowly grew louder and then consumed me, so much that I forgot I was lost, my dad was probably at home worried sick, or that by now there were probably a million other family members at my house searching for me. At that moment I felt warm, happy, and loved.
I continued to run for some time when the sound faded completely. In the gentle rustling of the bay, I heard a new sound. It was a small, but beautiful voice, and it called my name. I searched the water over and over for the source of this voice calling to me. Where was it coming fromI waded into the water, craning my neck and staring hard into the gentles waves that lapped at the shore.
Then, just as the melody had disappeared, the small voice that had called my name was gone as well. I began to believe that maybe it had been my imagination all along.
I realized that the sun was now going down, the wind had picked up, and the water was a little more choppy. There I was, sad, cold, and scared. I was still standing in the water as I watched one of my tears fall to the surface, and that’s when she caught my eye. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. I wanted to bend down and touch her, but she abruptly pointed towards some trees, and turning to follow her gaze, I saw a small path I hadn’t noticed before. When I turned back to her, she had already disappeared into the sea.
I frantically scooped the water in front of me with my hands hoping to catch her, searching the water for her over and over again. She was so small and so beautiful. I couldn’t have imagined her, could I? The wind became chilly and dark clouds had begun to form overhead. As I saw the waves getting larger in the distance, I knew a storm would be coming and I needed to get home. I started to fret again that I was lost, then I remembered the path. I made my way to it and started down its winding trail. I continued on and carefully found my way down the dark, and rather frightening, way it led me . The sun had set and it was hard to see, but I knew I had to keep going forward as to not get lost in the woods. I finally saw a faint light in the distance. I started to run and burst out of the forest and into a clearing that I gladly began to recognize.
It was the far side of our property. How I had gotten there, I could not say. I remember I left in the completely opposite direction earlier that day. Only a few minutes ago I was lost and had no way to find home on my own. Now, here I was in our own field, with the help of somebody or something I had never seen before. I could only remember she had been beautiful beyond imagination.
I ran through the clearing and up to my front door. I grabbed for the handle and before I could get to it the door flung open and Jumaane, our housemaid, called to my father. “She home, dah lil’ one!” My father grabbed for me and pulled me into his arms. I could see he’d been crying and as he held me, other family members began to appear. “Oh, thank Lord Jesus,” I heard somebody say. “She’s back!” Another yelled. I could see my best friend Billy, sitting white as a ghost, on the bench of our piano. He didn’t say a word, but I knew he had been worried. Boys never admit to these things.
My father said nothing as he picked me up, carried me into the house, and placed me on the couch. He breathed a sign of relief and finally asked “Where have you been? We were all so worried! You’ve been gone for hours! I was about to call the sheriff!”
I began to tell him my story. How I ran as fast as I could and I didn’t know where I was going, just that I felt the need to get away. Mommy wasn’t there and it was all too hard for me. Before I could finish I burst into tears. I had forgotten all the pain for a short time that day, but I couldn’t keep it away anymore. I knew my mother was gone and she wasn’t coming back. My father held me for a long time and we sat there silently. I never finished telling him the rest of my story or how I got home.
When my father was sure that I was ok and made sure that I was not leaving again, he left me alone with my friend. I walked over silently and sat down by him. I could tell now he was angry with me. “Billy, I am so sorry. I should have told you…”
Billy put his hand on my mouth and lowered his head. “You tell me everything Samantha. I thought we were best friends. You are all I have! Mother has been gone now for a long time and father says she doesn’t want to come back. He drinks so much now that I don’t think he’d notice if I was staying or going. I couldn’t imagine if something were to happen to you too! Promise me that you will never go away again without telling me, no matter what the reason?”
“I promise Billy. I promise a thousand times over again. Cross my heart.” A while later my father had Jumaane take Billy home. I didn’t realize how tired I was from my journey until my head hit the pillow. I don’t think it took but two minutes for me to fall into a very sweet and very wonderful dream, and I was fast asleep.
Two weeks later I found the path that had taken me back home that day. I followed the thin winding trail back to the shore. When I arrived I waited, unsure of what to do next. I cupped my hands around my mouth and called out, “Hello! Hello, are you out there?” There was no response. “Hello! Please, I wanted to thank you! Are you there?” Again there was no answer. I sat down, slipped my sandals off and put my feet in the sand as I watched the gentle waves lap against the shore. I wondered if it had all been a dream. I still didn’t know exactly what I had seen. Was it a small person? To me she looked like a beautiful fairy that I could have held in my palms, but I was already starting to forget.
Was her hair color golden like the sun? Or was it brown like caramel? I couldn’t even picture what her eyes had looked like, she was so small. I began to think that it couldn’t have even been possible. “I wish I could see you once more to thank you,” I said to the wind. I picked up my sandals and turned back toward the path with my head down in disappointment. Then there was that familiar voice again. “I am not supposed to be seen by humans.”
I turned around quickly, but I could not see her. “Please, where are you. I promise I won’t tell a soul. Who are you? WHAT are you? How did you know my name? Oh my, I am asking too much!” I knew I must have sounded silly, but I was filled with excitement. It wasn’t a dream! But where was this water fairy? That was the name I had given her the first time I had seen her. I had not been able to see much since she was mostly underwater and it was dark, but I knew she had been small, so I called her my water fairy.
She giggled. I realized I must have looked ridiculous because I had covered my gaping mouth and my eyes were wide and staring at the water. “What is so funny?” I finally asked? I heard her speak again. “No, you weren’t asking too many questions, it’s just, you human creatures, you are so silly. I always wanted to see you up close, but it isn’t allowed. It is forbidden!”
“Please, please show yourself,” I begged. I had been dreaming of seeing her again for the past two weeks! I had tried so hard to get away sooner, but father didn’t want me to leave his sight again. I finally persuaded him I would be home after one hour, which didn’t leave me much time. I only had a few minutes left before I needed to head back home and I couldn’t stand to leave without seeing her again.
“You must make me this promise, Samantha. You must make me a solemn vow to never tell a soul about me. If you will do that, I will hide no longer.” I know I was grinning bigger than I had in my whole life! “Of course I promise. I’ll promise a million times over again if you will just come out!”
She came out into plain sight where I could finally have a godo look at her. She was most wonderful, fragile looking creature I had ever laid eyes on. It was sunny that day and I was ever so thankful. The sun gleamed in her hair. It was indeed a rich golden color that seemed to glow brighter than the reflection of the sun on the water. I could only see her from the shoulders and up, but I knew she was beautiful. “What are you?” I was so curious it almost hurt! Have you ever had that feeling of having to know something and not being able to hold it all in? I felt that if I didn’t put this puzzle together soon I would burst from the mere anticipation of it!
“I am a mermaid, silly. And I knew your name because we have the power to know things, things most humans can’t see or know without being told. Sometimes it is foggy and other times it is as clear as the water drops when it rains. I thought that your species told stories of us. Have you never heard of mermaids?” She asked. I couldn’t answer for a moment. After everything that already happened, I was still having trouble believing. “But you are so small!” I walked toward the water, laid my sandals just beyond the waters reach, and looked at her again more closely.
“Well of course. Why would I be anything else?” She asked, genuinely confused that I thought otherwise.
“Well,” I began, “In all of our story books and in all of the tales I’ve been told, mermaids are said to be the size of humans. I never thought I would find one! And here you are, yet so different from anything I could have imagined…But not in a bad way, you are perfect!”
“Me the size of a human?” She giggled again. “Tell me more. I have never heard the tales that humans tell each other.” She waited silently for more.
“Well, in storybooks they say that mermaids sing to people and enchant them. That sometimes mermaids distract the fishermen so they will fall overboard or run into things with their ships. They also say that mermaids can take off their tails and walk among humans.”
This caused an eruption of laughter from the water fairy. “It is true that when we sing it seems to fill humans with great joy, but I am sorry to tell you that we cannot take our tails off and walk among your species. We’d look silly with those funny things you call legs!”
“Hey!” I said but I laughed all the same. “Oh my! I have to go! My father will be so upset if I don’t get home.” I grabbed my sandals and headed toward the path. “Can I come back again? I have so much more to ask you!”
“And I have so much more to hear from you!” She said. “Just come back and call to me again. I am Syria andI will always be close by.” Then she waved to me and disappeared underneath the waters surface. “Syria,” I whispered to myself. “Perfect.”
I made it home only 5 minutes late. My father was in the parlor reading his paper. He looked up as I came in and jokingly looked at his pocket watch. “Tsk tsk tsk, you are late!” He hugged me and returned to his paper. I wanted so badly to tell him about my day, but I thought of the promise I had made to Syria. I may have only been 10 years old, but even then I knew this was a promise I could not break. I could never betray my beautiful water fairy. I also had a wonderful secret that was all mine.
For months I went back to that spot and called to Syria. We would talk for a long timeand I would tell her stories that I would read about the mermaids. She in turn would tell me about her family and how some stories seemed true, and how others were so far off. One day I read about the story of Atargatis in a book I kept secretly under my bed, along with many others I had collected since meeting Syria. I was scared my father would think I was making up fantasies and hiding in books to escape the real world. My Father was a wonderful man, but he was also very practical and didn’t believe in the therapy of the imagination and reading. What I was really doing, and could never tell him, was studying the stories to bring back to Syria.
Syria smiled when I told her of my readings and said, “Yes, I have heard of our mother Atargatis. Our families have told us wonderful things about her and how she started our species so long ago. We do hear that she was ashamed of a crime and jumped into the sea to take the form of a fish, but that not even water could hide her divine beauty! Oh, how I wish that I could have met her. She is most talked about with the mermaids!” She was so excited that I had read about this story. “Some people say that she still had human legs!” I exclaimed, and this made Syria smile. “We have never heard it told that way. We have always imagined her as how we look ourselves!”
We could talk for hours on these subjects. One day after our fifth or sixth visit, she asked me about the first time she saw me alone on that beach crying. “Why were you so sad, Samantha? I could see you, and I could feel your sadness, but I could not see why. I only felt your pain then, and knew you needed me.” I held my breath for a moment. It was still so hard for me to talk about it, but she made me feel so safe.
“That night, I had run away.” I bowed my head, ashamed. “My mother died. I..I can’t talk about it much though. Then night I was out here was right after her funeral. I was scared, and sad, and I had felt so lost. When I ran I didn’t watch my way and when I realized I didn’t know where to go I sat down on that old dock. That was when I heard you singingand you showed me the way home! If it wasn’t for you, well, I don’t know what would have happened to me.”
Syria shook her head, and for the first time, a tear had formed upon her check. “Don’t cry!” I pleaded. ‘Please, I can’t stand to see you sad!” She smiled through the tears.
“I am not sad, Samantha. I cry tears of joy that I was able to help you. You are a wonderful human and so pure. You are not at all like the barbaric humans our people speak of. I am glad I protected you, and I promise to protect you until I can no longer.”
“Thank you. And I will always keep your secret safe.” I had promised her. And I meant it.
One day when I was walking through town and I heard a commotion. I saw a crowd gathering on the street and as my curiosity always gets the better of me, I ran towards it to see what was going on. As I drew near, I saw a poster on the window of the old fisherman’s shop. There was a sketch of a mermaid on it. I couldn’t yet read what it said as I was still behind most of the crowd, but I could hear the excitement and people telling each other “It can’t be true.” Another voice said “I think the old fisherman has finally lost it.” She shook her head and the two or them turned and walked away down the road. I finally pushed through the crowd to get my look at the poster.
Come one, come all.
See what Discovery I have Made!
I have in my possession a real LIVE Mermaid.
I will open shop tomorrow at first light.
Only a nickel at the Door to see this wonderful Creation!
Hurry by, don’t miss your chance.
See her before it’s too late!
My heart flopped. It couldn’t be! I ran around the back of the store and rapped at the door. There was no answer. I dropped onto the stoop and sat there thinking hard. Was it her? Or was the old fisherman scamming again? I had to be sure. I went home and waited until night fell. I waited even longer until I felt I couldn’t bear it anymore, when I heard a soft knock at my door and my father appeared. He tucked me in as he does every night, kissed my check, and shuffled out of the room. I listened until I heard the click of his door down the hall. I got up as slowly and quietly as I could. I threw on some pants and shoes and tiptoed down the stairs.
At the bottom of them I stopped and waited for a good 5 minutes. I had to make sure I was unseen and unheard. When I felt it was safe enough, I let myself out the front door. I ran as fast as I could to the old path I had discovered when Syria had shown me the way home. I ran even when I felt my legs could no longer carry me. Finally I collapsed on the shore. “Syria! Syria are you out there? Please, please tell me you are all right.” There was no answer. This stillness was unsettling! With new found strength I ran up and down the beach and called out to her. When there was still no answer, I knew that she was in trouble.
I gathered myself for a moment, and then ran back through the path, and through the field. I flew past my house and continued on in the dead of night towards town where I had the feeling in the depths of my stomach that Syria was being held captive. When I neared the fisherman’s shop, I slowed and veered off towards the back of the buildings. The moon was not up, and I knew that I would not be seen easily. I crept to the back door of the rickety building, and stood for a moment to think. I stood on my tip toes and had a peek into the window and held my breath. By dull, flickering candlelight, I could see the fisherman sleeping. His boots were still on and his feet were propped on the table. On this table, in the faint light, I could see a small jar under lock and key. I peered harder, and realized the key hung around the fisherman’s neck and his arms were crossed over a portion of the thread that held it there.
I fell back from the building and sat down. What now? I thought hard for a long time. I knew it was a risk and a dangerous one at that, but I knew what I had to do. I ran from the fisherman’s building, through town, and a few blocks at that, when I came to the place I needed to be. I crept around the house and rapped softly on the window. When there was no response, I found some small pebbles and tossed them at the window.
Finally I saw a figure appear. It came near and drew the window open. “What is with all that racket? It is late and…” I ran up and put my hand over his mouth. “Billy. Shhh you must be calm and quiet. It is very important that you mustn’t wake anybody. I need your help. Please say that you will help me. It is a matter of life and death Billy!”
Billy stood for a moment and then said “Well, what is it then? You shouldn’t take all night.” So very slowly I told him everything that happened from the first day I met Syria. I told him about the poster and how I had called for her with no response. I told him about the fisherman and the jar and how we needed to get her away. “If you don’t help me she’ll die. He will use her for money, and show her, and then he will sell her. And people will test her and hurt her, and I just can’t stand to think of it all. She won’t survive without the sea and oh please Billy, do help me.”
Without another word, Billy crept to his closet and pulled out a pair of boots. He put them on and came out the window. Maybe he had thought me crazy at the time but he was a good friend and he saw it was important to me, my imagination or not. “Now wait here, we will need supplies.” He went out to his father’s shed and came back a few moments later. There was no time to spare. We headed out back to the old building where the fisherman slept.
Billy kneeled down and opened his bag and rummaged though until he found a small tire iron and some grease. “I need to oil up this window. I don’t know if it will help any, but that window will probably make a bit of noise coming open.” So we got to work and soon the window was dripping wet. I peeked in to find the old man still sound asleep. Billy propped the tire iron under the window and slowly, eased the window open a crack. “Easier than baking Apple pie!” He whispered, and grinned at me. Billy may have only been 2 years older then me, but right then I thought that he was a genius!
We both put our hands under the window and pushed as slowly as we could until we could fit. Billy boosted me up and then slid in after me. The fisherman was in the next room, but we could see him clearly though the doorway. His quiet snore rattled through the shack. I sighed and started towards the room. Billy grabbed my arm and pulled me back. He signaled me to follow him and he walked a bit the other way until he was against the far side of the wall in the room we were in.
We crept along the wall and Billy peeked around the corner of the doorway. Then he dropped low and crept into the room where the fisherman sat. He ducked behind some furniture and continued to get closer to the table at which the Man sat. I hesitated for a moment, and then followed as quickly and quietly as I could. I had almost reached Billy, when the floorboard creaked. I hit the floor like a lightning bolt, and I heard the Old Man stir. I held my breath and bit my lip so hard I was sure I would soon feel the warmth of the flow of blood but it never came. Billy shot me a quick glance, and then waited stiffly for a moment. After what seemed like forever, the snore started up again, and I knew the fisherman had finally dozed off once more.
I got to Billy, and pointed to the key and shrugged, wondering what we should do next. He put his finger to his lips, looked into his bag and pulled out a pair of slightly rusted scissors. He handed them to me and I knew we could not turn back now. I got to the fisherman and put the scissors on his chest and slowly slid the thread between the blades and closed them. The thread didn’t cut; it only closed over the thread. I opened them up again with some difficulty, considering the small thread was jamming them closed, and signaled Billy for his help. I handed him the scissors and gently took a piece of the thread in my hand and stretched it tight. Billy had to open and close the blades a few times before the key finally came off into his hands. The fisherman stirred again, but still did not wake.
Billy pulled the jar off the table and for the first time saw Syria in her small prison. He stopped dead in his tracks and stared in amazement. I went back over and poked him and pointed towards the window. That seemed to snap him out of it. Syria looked bewildered in her confinement, but realized who I was and seemed to relax some. Billy helped me out the window and then handed the jar out to me. He jumped out and we bolted, this time he followed me, down across the hills and to the beach. We both got there breathless and exhausted, but not feeling anything at all in our victory. “Wow, I though you were pulling my leg!” He broke out and said. “I was humoring you because I thought it would be a fun little adventure, but I never thought that this…She…It, could really exist!”
I didn’t answer him; instead I was intent on getting Syria out of the glass cage. I unlocked the small lock and scooped her out into my hands. “You are safe now, Syria, I won’t let them hurt you.”
She looked more frightened now then ever. “But now they’ve seen me. That horrible old man and this boy here. I knew it was wrong to let a human see me. What ever will I do now?”
“I would never tell a soul about you,” cried Billy at last. “If anybody goes by there tomorrow they will think the old fisherman crazy. He always claims to have found something amazing. He is always up to something. They will never believe him! And we will never tell, I promise you. And I promise Samantha.”
I placed Syria into the sea and she cried tears of joy. Then she closed her eyes and opened her lips and hummed the most beautiful tune I had ever heard. It went on and on and carried in the air around us. I could feel it swirl within my soul and it consumed us both as we sat on the shore. Then something else started happening.
It was hard to see at first in the darkness but the water all around started to move and I could see small figures moving in every direction I looked. Hundreds of small shapes came forward and soon, we were staring at a sea of merpeople. They had stared at us as confused and scared, but Syria swam to one in particular and whispered something in his ear. Then the figure she had spoken to swam forward and all around the sea lit up. And I saw the most beautiful Merman that you could imagine. He held a small trident which I realized was the producer of the brilliant light that glowed around us. His beard was the purest color of all the gold I had ever seen, and shown as brilliantly as the sun. His eyes were a silver color which sparkled like crystals glowing by candlelight. I wanted to look at Billy to see if he was seeing the same thing, but I could not take my eyes off this king of the sea.
The merman smiled and shouted aloud, “You have saved my daughter, and thus have befriended us all. We are forever in your debt. It has always been that humans are our mortal enemies, but you have shown us that we cannot judge all of you the same. I can see that there are few heroes among your species, and you have proven to be the only ones I have ever known. Never have I spoken to a human, and never have I wanted to. Many prove to be great barbarians and trap our species. But you are unlike them, and have done a deed greater than you know, for you have saved my daughter, princess of the sea. And for that, you will receive a great honor.” When I had glanced at Billy, his eyes shown with excitement. He knew, as well as I had at that moment that something amazing was going to happen. The King then put his trident into the water and it turned a rich caramel color along the shore. “Step into the water, and let your destiny fall upon you, King and Queen of the land dwellers.”
I should have been scared. I should have thought it over. But I was in a trance. I felt so warm and happy and loved and I just moved forward. Billy tried to grab my arm but I pulled away and kept walking until my feet were in the water. I turned and reached out to Billy, who had still been standing there on the shore looking torn, as if he had not been sure of what to do. Then, as if he’d made up his mind, he walked over and joined me in the sea. The moment his hand touched mine, there was a flash of light like in a storm, and Billy and I had been shrunk down and were swimming in the water!
I tried to kick my legs, when I realized that I had no legs, only the most wonderful tail I had even seen. And I swam like I had swum with it my whole life. “With my magic, I have frozen time in your world,” said the King, “and I have made you able to survive in our world. I am King Tridius, and I wish you to join us in our world for a time, until you are ready to go back. If ever you are ready, just say the words and I will send you back to this place and time. You have done a great thing for our people and we would like to show our thanks, and make you royal knights of the merpeople. What do you say?”
I said nothing, but bowed my head to him. He turned and disappeared under the waves and we followed. We swam into the depths of the ocean and further still. Schools of fish swam by, but instead of unfeeling creatures, I felt their personality. I could have sworn one even winked at me! We continued along the ocean floor for what seemed to be a long time, but never tiring. The band of merfolk around us was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. Not one had a single flaw I could find. They seemed to glow in the water; a beautiful aura surrounded them all down here. Some were golden, some white. Some were more colorful than the brightest rainbow I could remember. I could try for hours on end, and days, and even years, until I have no more life left in me to try to explain to you the beauty of these creatures, but I would never succeed. It is like seeing angels underwater. Angels of the deep sea, that is what they were.
Soon we came to a wall of seaweed that must have been ten feet high, but looked like a hundred we were so small! Tridius waved his trident and the plants parted. There in the bed of kelp was a giant castle made of corral. It was a sharp, clean white, like the sea could not soil it in a thousand years if it tried. All around the castle were little buildings of the same material, all spotless and beautiful. And I knew then that the reason men had never been able to find this place, or any place like it for that matter, is they didn’t know what they were looking for. Being a full sized adult, you would swim past a place like this and see beautiful coral beds. You would see schools of fish passing by, and seaweed floating everywhere, but to a blind eye you would not notice what you were really looking at. This was the most unique castle there ever was and it rose and fell with the shape of the coral. And if a man was looking for a mermaid, he would never think to look for something of this size to house one. He’d be looking for something much larger, not something that a small bird could live in if it was on land. But even so, it was amazing. I knew I would never want to leave!
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JAs_jumper_cable reviewed Version 5 -
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Alexandra1995 reviewed Version 5 -
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This is a story that can definatly bring warmth to people’s hearts. The storyline was absolutly beautiful that it made me feel as if I was there with you and Billy when you were in the sea.
The only problems I had with it were with basic mechanics and spelling:
“My mother was in a horrible carraige accident and had passed away, leaving a painful, empty feeling inside me.”
carraige should be carriage
“I got up from the dock and walked down to the waters edge, hoping to hear it again.”
waters is supposed to be water’s
“I ran towards the sound which slowly grew louder and then consumed me, so much that I forgot I was lost, my dad was probably at home worried sick, or that by now there were probably a million other family members at my house searching for me.”
This whole sentence is a run-on. If I may add a suggestion after the word lost you can place a period there and start a whole new sentence with “My Dad…” and so on and so forth
“Where was it coming fromI waded into the water, craning my neck and staring hard into the gentles waves that lapped at the shore.”
I have the belief that it was supposed to be “from? I”
“He breathed a sign of relief and finally asked “Where have you been? We were all so worried! You’ve been gone for hours! I was about to call the sheriff!””
sign should be sigh
“She came out into plain sight where I could finally have a godo look at her.”
godo should be good
“That was when I heard you singingand you showed me the way home! If it wasn’t for you, well, I don’t know what would have happened to me.””
Change singingand to singing, and
“Then he dropped low and crept into the room where the fisherman sat. He ducked behind some furniture and continued to get closer to the table at which the Man sat.”
Man doesn’t have to be capitalized in this sentence
“I hit the floor like a lightning bolt, and I heard the Old Man stir”
Old Man doesn’t have to be capitalized
This is a very good story and I’m sure it’ll be loved by several others.
Alexandra
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maggers_ann reviewed Version 5 -
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This is really spectacular. I loved every moment of it, and the world that you’ve created with the merepeople is a world that I want to continue exploring! Samantha and Syria’s relationship is lovely, along with the close bond between Samantha and Billy. I was enjoying it so much that I had problems trying to critique it, but here are a few grammatical and typographical errors that I found:
“I realized I must have looked ridiculous because I had covered my gaping mouth and my eyes were wide and staring at the water. “What is so funny?” I finally asked?” -you don’t need the question mark :)
“She came out into plain sight where I could finally have a godo look at her.”
-good
“I am Syria andI will always be close by.” – and I (small spacing error)
“For months I went back to that spot and called to Syria. We would talk for a long timeand I would tell her stories that I would read about the mermaids.” -time and (spacing again)
“My Father was a wonderful man,” -My father
“Then night I was out here was right after her funeral.” -The
Awesome story! Definitely on my way to read more
dove2010 reviewed Version 5 -
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“Fearing I would lose this this”....you only need one “this”
“Where was it coming fromI waded”....there should be a question mark after “from” and before “I”
“the gentles waves”....should be “gentle waves”
“have a godo look at her”....”a good look”
“She was most wonderful”...”the” should be inbetween “was most”
This story was very well written and had my attention from the very beginning. Your dialog was good and your images and descriptions were wonderful. I could practically see and feel everything Samantha was seeing and feeling. All of your interactions were believable. This was pretty realalistic, as far as fantasy stories can be realistic anyway. I really enjoyed this. Thanks for the good read.
Hektor_Thillet reviewed Version 5 -
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You know what I love most about this story? That I had never thought of it… I live by the beach and go snorkeling every now and then. I’ve seen the coral reefs and the things you so hauntingly describe in your gorgeous closing lines… I can’t wait to look at them again. Really … bravo.
kizzykat reviewed Version 5 -
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This was a pleasant read. The only real problem I noticed with the verb tenses was at the beginning – ‘my mother was in a horrible carriage accident’ should have been ‘my mother had been’. You could also do with being a little more specific in ‘I had run away’ which gives no indication of how long the narrator has been gone from home. ‘I had run away after the funeral’ might be better and explain why she’s so upset.
You could also do with making it clearer earlier on that the narrator is a girl. You don’t make it clear until Billy uses her name. Incidentally she says on the second visit that Syria knew her name, but I don’t think she did.
The whole think would benefit from a careful read through and edit to iron out spelling mistakes and typing errors. You might also spot one or two visualisation problems. I don’t think you make it very clear at the beginning just how small Syria is, and when the fisherman has caught her, you don’t say how she is imprisoned, just that she’s ‘under lock and key’.
I’m not entirely sure about the ending. A young audience might worry about the father being left alone and about not going home. Perhaps you could make the enchantement just for a night and a day instead.
SelinaP reviewed Version 5 -
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Wow. I would definitely buy this book. A few typo’s here and there, but still wow
gracelaurence reviewed Version 5 -
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I believe there should be more description to the mermaid when Samantha first meets her. This is something amazing and even if she doesn’t see her for long, there should be some impression to give the readers. I really liked the friendship they shared.
These are just a few of the grammatical mistakes i found in the beginning. I saw several through out the piece so it might be prudent to glance back over it and proofread a bit more carefully.
- Fearing I would lose (this this) happy feeling that I hadn’t been able to feel since before my mother’s accident, I turned around and started the other way.
- word repetition
- I ran towards the sound which slowly grew louder and then consumed me, so much that I forgot I was lost, my dad was probably at home worried sick, or that by now there were probably a million other family members at my house searching for me.
*I would suggest a semicolon or a period after lost to prevent run on and make the sentence easier to read.
-the sound faded completely.
*Capital T
Jedikid129 reviewed Version 5 -
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”...carraige…” Carriage
“Fearing I would lose this this happy feeling that I hadn’t been able to feel since before my mother’s accident,...” This sentence reads somewhat awkwardly. Perhaps you should mention earlier that she hadn’t been happy since her mother died, then you wouldn’t need to shove it into this sentence like that. Also, you wrote ‘this’ twice.
”...so much that I forgot I was lost, my dad was probably at home worried sick,...” that I forgot that I was lost, that my dad was probably at home worried…
“Where was it coming fromI waded into the water…” If the first part was intended to be a thought, then perhaps you should use some formatting to separate it from the narrative. To be honest, you could probably do just fine without stating the thought.
”...before I could get to it the door flung open…” comma after ‘it’
“I am Syria andI will…” comma after ‘Syria’ and space after ‘and’
”...for a long timeand…” space after ‘time’
“Then night I was out here…” The night
“I heard you singingand…” space before ‘and’
”...but looked like a hundred we were so small!” a hundred since
I liked this story alot. It had all the elements of my favorite young adult stories (secrets, adults are the bad guys, etc.). The scene where they broke into the fisherman’s house was very tense, especially when the scissors didn’t cut the first time.
I wont presume to tell you want to write, but to me it seemed to me that the parts after they saved Syria are kinda unnecessary. The world of the mermaids might be better left to the imagination, in my opinion. The freezing time seems just a bit too convenient. It seems like this piece goes out of this way to give Samantha the opportunity to have her cake and eat it too. Perhaps it would work better if it was a dilemma where she had to choose to either live as a human or a mermaid.
matteyxx reviewed Version 5 -
Read 71% of the Item
Very cute story :)
The first sentence caught my attention and kept me reading.
Just remember to indent when using dialouge.
I was wondering, what age groups are you writing for here?
Another suggestion. Your story is very cute and captivating, but unrealistic (obviously haha), which makes it hard to relate to the characters. Maybe you could have Sammantha undergo some hardship that would make her seem more likable and help the readers understand her. I think what your story needs is pain, so the characters can grow.
Hope I helped!
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