Short Story / Untitled for the Moment (Analysis)

First of all, you have some definite writing talent. You have some great phrases of description that really draw the reader into the story, such as the cement on the MC’s thigh. I like you’re style as well. That said, a few critiques:

>his eyes swelled with wannabe tears.<

You were doing so create with the narrative, and then you throw in a word like “wannabe.” It sort of threw me when I read that… it doesn’t seem to fit the tone of the writing at all, and it doesn’t even really make sense. I’d replace that word, or just delete it.

> “I was pregnant with your son.” <

Just a logistical thing here – I get the impression that Kaleb didn’t know Miri was pregnant, but if she was far enough along to know it was a boy, it would have been obvious to the world that she was pregnant.

But good, this opening raises a lot of questions. Who are these two people? Are they married? Dating? Why didn’t she tell him she was pregnant? How/why did she miscarry? Why was the night “perfect?”

Overall a pretty solid beginning. Keep it up!

I think it’s cool that you saw that and wrote a whole thing about it.  On this, I didn’t know how old the couple was until she brought up about the baby.  Might mention that somewhere.  And how did he not know she was pregnant, then not know she lost it?  He must have been gone somewhere.  What you wrote brought up a lot of questions that you could anwer if you went bigger.  You write good, so go for it.

Hi,

It sure is a strange old world, and inspiration comes in many forms… You have posted very little, so it was difficult to really get involved with the characters and the dire news.

I think if you have more, you should post. What were the complications and why all the secrecy of the baby. What is the lead up plot?

I would certainly read more… So write on!

Thanks

I like the image of cement scratching bare skin.  But you’ve got two adjectives (bitter, rough) and a verb (scratched) all describing the same thing.  Can you narrow it down?  Find one word that says everything, instead of three words that each almost get there.  You may be able to draw a cool correlation between the cement and Kaleb’s calloused hands: (“Kaleb’s calloused hands chafed me more than the cement under my thighs” ?  I’m sure you can do better than my example.)

If Kaleb didn’t know about the pregnancy, would Miri really introduce the topic with “we lost the baby?”  She had to know that would just confuse him.  Unless she’s TRYING to mess with him, maybe she could just say “I WAS pregnant.”  That will tell him about the pregnancy, but also that something went wrong.

“Kaleb started shaking me”  This line comes off as way too brutish to be reconciled with his concern for her in the line above.  If Kaleb himself were shaking that would build sympathy for him.

One logistical item:  If Miri wasn’t far enough along to be showing, then it’s unlikely that she would be able to tell if the baby was a “he.”

Alright, well a miscarriage is one banger of a way to start a story.  Pretty quickly, you’ll want to introduce a problem for the main character to overcome, one that develops out of this tragedy.

Good luck.

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June 24, 2009

by Tattered_and_Torn

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15	F	United States	February 05

wow here i was just writing about a couple i saw on the street and you come along with a page of revisions. thanks. lol

June 24, 2009

by stickvaughn

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32	M	Peoria, AZ	March 19

No problem.  I wouldn’t have bothered, if I didn’t think it had potential to grow into something worthwhile.

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Try to do some research on possible ways to miscarriage…I dont see how her just falling can kill the baby…but other than that..I like this so far..short ad sweet. DOnt draw it out to long, but I would love to see if this couple will some how being that old couple you witnessed sitting outside.

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June 22, 2009

by Tattered_and_Torn

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47	68.4% (19 votes)	29.5%

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15	F	United States	February 05

They were a young couple just sitting on the little path and they looked like at least one of them was crying

June 22, 2009

by FrakKevin

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21	M	Charleston, SC	March 21

Oh…now I really like how you came up with the idea..pretty creative

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There could be some more description in this. Maybe if you put some more detail into the pain the girl was feeling about losing the baby it would feel more realistic. But, it’s so short I can’t really say much about it.

In the first paragraph, you talk about how the character is upset and doesn’t like breaking news, then you just jump into a sentence about the sun that is completely irrelevant to the rest of the paragraph. You might want to make another paragraph out of that part and then add more detail to the sun and the other surroundings.

But again, it’s rather short so i can’t say much about it. Hope you continue it.