Thanks Ian. I will take a look into it. I am trying to improve just like everyone else int he world!
Zeb!
Sci Fi & Fantasy / The History of Htrae (Analysis)
The History of Htrae; The Elves Man
PROLOGUE
The door gave a slight creak as he pulled it to a crack behind him, stepping into a hallway that led from outside. He was anxious as he stepped forward through the hall, not with fear but excitement. He stopped, looking at himself in the round mirror hanging on the wall. His face was white as chalk, his eyes dark yellow and pupil’s red. His skin looked like scales of a dragon and as he smiled, his sharp pointed teeth glistened from the reflection on the mirror. He looked forward as he pulled a staff from within his robes and moved on down the hall. He did not bother to check the first door on the right for he knew; empty it would be or the next on the left for it would be the same. He knew where his enemies laid, however they did not know of his presence in their supposedly safe home.
He turned into another narrow hall and a slightly open door at the end let a streak of light line the wall. His potion was in that room to his anxiety, excitement. The one he had been searching for, hundreds of years, the wizard who would change the world, rule under his command, and the key to all things and power. It was strange after all these years of searching and gathering the appropriate tools for this meeting. All of the most ancient items he could find were for this. It was for the key. However if this went wrong and the boy was killed by accident he would have to wait for hundreds of years or millennium. He could not fail his plans depended on it. To raise evil and make it what it is meant to be. They would rule. He was just minutes from that future. He peaked through the crack of the slightly open door and saw a man standing holding a bundle.
The boy! A woman obscured his view of the man as she went and tickled the bundle, “Koochy, koochy, coo. Koochy, koochy, coo.”
There would never be any of that foolishness in the castle. They were already weakening the boy.
“Oh look what we have made,” the woman said kissing the man full on the lips. The man returned a kiss more aggressively but the woman pushed him off smiling, “Now not in front of the child.”
“Oh, so how about after,” the man began, looking up and he knew as soon as the fathers face froze that he had seen him. Pushing the door slowly open, he stepped through the archway.
“Run!” the man said holding out his arms to hand the woman the baby but that would cause much trouble if the woman got her hands on the child. Lazily waving a hand and focusing on the air about the room he said, “No!”
There was a sound as if a bell had been rang and the woman flew through the air into the opposite wall before landing roughly on the ground, unconscious. Turning his attention back toward the father, he raised his staff and the black sphere glowed with a bright dark light.
“It is over,” he said.
“Why don’t you leave us be?” the father said waving an arm at him and a wave of blue light came at him. Waving his staff lazily the light bounced off his conjured shield cracking the walls.
“You fool, give me the child,” he demanded extending an arm.
“NO! I WILL DIE FIRST!” the father yelled.
“I do not have to kill you,” the scale-faced man said.
“Oh, you will though…you will. I know…” the man said stepping back as tears poured from his blue eyes, down his pale skin and his dark dirty blonde hair falling into his face.
“You are very correct.”
“You are cruel people!” a woman’s voiced yelled.
Looking over at the mother who was sitting up against the wall, he said, “There is a war coming darling and you of all people should know that things are going to become worst than what they will be if you do not hand over the baby.”
“No, I will not hand over my child,” the woman said pushing her long dark hair out of her tan face and revealing her wet hazel eyes.
“You will not have to,” he added with a shrug, “I will take him.”
“Please, please, please, we are begging you. I do not want to fight you,” she cried. “Just go! GO!”
“Then fight me not. Simply give me the child,” he said. Then he saw it, her will to fight. Knowing her powers were great, just as he raised his staff, purple flames flew at him and his newly conjured shield dissolved under the impact and the fire was pushed up from the explosion of the dissolved shield and then there was the pressure and he flew through the air. He landed with a hard thud and as he pushed himself up, he realized the cottage was aflame. It was burning. NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! He had failed. He had…it was…he…no…he would…years of waiting…centuries. CENTURIES! Pushing himself to his feet, he walked over and recovered his staff. He felt the warm blood running down his torso and he looked down and saw the cut in his gray robe and a deep scar from the fire in his upper chest.
He needed to leave, to recover from this. To prepare and wait…grief started to smooth over his anger then there were rips in the wind behind the fire then three clouds of mist clouded the air and three figures stepped from it all robed and hoods up.
Smiling at his guest he said, “Hello.”
“Hello, Golindon what are you doing here?” the figure farthest right asked removing the hood of his robe from his head. His eyes were a light green, his ears pointed and his face a light brown, and his head was filled with soft black hair.
“I do not want to kill you,” Golindon said, carelessly with a shrug.
“Golindon, your air gives us no fear,” the figure in the center said.
“Is that you, Exatix?” he asked.
“It is all of us, The Council itself.”
“You elves are really moving beneath your standards,” Golindon said, then added shortly, “Falavas,” gesturing to the figure to the right, “Tavantgar.” He said gesturing to the figure to the left.
“Now Golindon, I want to fight,” Exatix said stepping forward. “Falavas, get the boy out of here.”
“He is dead Exatix,” Golindon said pulling his robe off and letting it fall at his feet. His hose were black and so was his shirt both outlined in silver.
“Go Falavas,” Exatix said and Falavas turned and exploded into mist of white.
“I believe that leaves us three?” Tavantgar said removing his robe revealing a thin robe that tailed the ground. His face was pale and his eyes blue bringing out his blonde hair that did not cover his pointed ears.
“Yes it does,” Exatix, said removing his hood showing his tan skin and black hair and eyes.
“This will be fun,” Golindon said smiling.
“This will be…unnecessary…” Exatix said.
They stared at each other before anticipating who would attack first. Golindon turned his head and then Exatix waved a hand and a sound of wind being sucked into a straw and a whirling force of energy came at him.
Dropping his staff he raised a hand, focusing on the energy going around him, he said, “Make it be!” Feeling the surges of air around him, he heard a faint pop as the force met its unmeant target.
“Make it be,” said Tavantgar. The sky filled with dark clouds, a strike of lightning came at Golindon who lazily flicked his head upward, and the lightning flew at Tavantgar who raised a hand. However, he was too late, his furled shield exploded and he flew back, skidded across the ground, came to a halt, and did not move.
“Tavantgar!” Exatix said turning.
“I think your friend is out of our game, what do you say Exatix?”
“Hea-
“NO!” Golindon yelled waving an arm and the ground beneath Exatixs flew into the air and he flew into the ground. “Healing.”
Pushing himself up, Exatix waved an arm and shouted, “Usha!” and a cloud of clear energy flew at him and unprepared for the attacked he flew into the ground as a white mist appeared behind Tavantgar holding the bundle in his arms.
“GIVE ME THE CHILD!” Golindon yelled rising and waving an arm sending a line of light at Falavas’s head who place a foot on Tavantgar and they all exploded into mist that was disturbed by the streak of light as it moved and surrounded Exatixs and vanished.
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AprilWriter reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s a good start. I like that the creature is stealing the child from the parents, and the idea introduced that this child was somehow the key of some battle for good and evil in the future. I like the magic and sense that something really important is at stake. You do good job setting up the tension. The magic intrigues me, but the rules are little unclear. For example, what powers does a human woman have against a dragon like creature who wields magic?
“just as he raised his staff, purple flames flew at him and his newly conjured shield dissolved under the impact and the fire was pushed up from the explosion of the dissolved shield and then there was the pressure and he flew through the air.”
Did the parents conjure a shield? This isn’t clear. You are creating a magical world here that goes by it’s own rules. These rules need to be clear. Who can wield magic? What powers do they have? What are the limitations?
Some great visual moments:
“His face was white as chalk, his eyes dark yellow and pupil’s red. His skin looked like scales of a dragon and as he smiled, his sharp pointed teeth glistened from the reflection on the mirror.”
“There was a sound as if a bell had been rang and the woman flew through the air into the opposite wall before landing roughly on the ground, unconscious.”
“Feeling the surges of air around him, he heard a faint pop as the force met its unmeant target.”
These are great because they let us see the action. It is important to do this throughout—even more so because this is fantasy. Make sure you continue to show us what happens especially the magic and its effects.
Questions and Comments:
“The door gave a slight creak as he pulled it to a crack behind him”
Who opens the door? Either give us a name or say the man. He is too general for the first sentence of a story.
“…and pupil’s red”
This sentence needs an article.
Try: …And his pupils red
“He did not bother to check the first door on the right for he knew; empty it would be or the next on the left for it would be the same.”
Awkward sentence construction. Try: He did not bother to check the first door on the right nor the one on the left, because he knew they would be empty.
His potion was in that room to his anxiety, excitement.
Try: His potion was in that room to his anxiety or perhaps excitement.
I’m going to stop commenting on mechanics and stick to content, but I advise you to go over it before you submit. I recommend reading it out loud. It will help you catch awkward sentence construction, grammar and punctuation mistakes.
What kind of building are we in? I like the detail of the mirror and the cracked door, but I would like a clearer sense of place. The boy is human right? You might want to make this clear. Also, how do the parents react to this lizard like creature coming (besides fear for the child). I mean I’m not sure my first reaction would be to talk to it/him. Where are the main character and the elves standing while the house is on fire? He was in the house with the parents one minute and standing outside of a flaming building the next. I think you need to draw this part out a bit further. Where does the fire start? What happens to the parents? Where is the baby during all this?
Overall, a good start. Good luck with the rewrite and please keep me informed of future drafts.
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IanWood reviewed Version 1 -
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“He did not bother to check the first door on the right for he knew; empty it would be or the next on the left for it would be the same.” -This sentence is kind of messy, try dropping the semi colon and putting a comma somewhere else.
“His potion was in that room to his anxiety, excitement.” -try replacing the comma with an ‘and’. Usually you don’t need a comma unless you list at least three things.
Nevermind, I am not going to edit the whole piece that would take too long. Suffice it to say that you need to spend more time editting this story for sentence structure and verb tense. There a lot of commas where they shouldnt be and some missing that should be there.
There are a lot of minor verb tense corrections that need to be made too like “his pale skin and his dark dirty blonde hair falling into his face.” – falling should be changed to fell.
There are a lot of run on sentences that need to be broken up too- “To prepare and wait…grief started to smooth over his anger then there were rips in the wind behind the fire then three clouds of mist clouded the air and three figures stepped from it all robed and hoods up.” -is an example.
If you work on your editting you might have a nice story here. You clearly have a vivid imagination and should definitely work to develop your writing skills I hope you stick with it and keep coming up with creative stories
-Ian
littlered reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked it. I think my favorite part of your little short story is that it’s all from the bad guy’s point of view. we hear his thoughts and his struggles. i also love how real your characters are. but i wish i knew more, who is the council? and what are they the council of? are they all wizards? what is the baby’s name? Keep writing! i want to see what happens next.
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a great, exciting start for a prologue. It immediately grabs the reader’s attention. There are a few mistakes though.
I think the first paragraph would flow better if you deleted the description of the character and put it later on in the story. I’ve heard that agents/publishers get annoyed by early descriptions of the character.
““Run!” the man said holding out his arms to hand the woman the baby but that would cause much trouble if the woman got her hands on the child. Lazily waving a hand and focusing on the air about the room he said, “No!””
Refering to the main character as ‘he’ got confusing here because I didn’t know if you were talking about the wizard or the father of the baby. Perhaps you should give him a name.
“bright dark light” it’s hard to imagine something dark being bright
“Knowing her powers were great, just as he raised his staff, purple flames flew at him and his newly conjured shield dissolved under the impact and the fire was pushed up from the explosion of the dissolved shield and then there was the pressure and he flew through the air.” This is a long sentence. I would suggest breaking it down. You have a couple sentences like this.
Overall, I enjoyed this and it’s clear you have a talent for writing. Keep it up!
Platytee reviewed Version 1 -
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Good job. Kept it moving and made the Golindon character interesting enough for us to wonder what was going to happen. The mirror part was an unique device for describing the look of your character. Very nice. Have just one beef, the burning of the house seemed to happen too quick. Maybe a little focus on there would make it seem real that a flame hit Golindon, his shield fell apart, he flew through the air, house is burning… everyone’s dead. Just seemed to quick. Just a thought.
Elf reviewed Version 1 -
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“He knew where his enemies laid,”
...lay not laid.
“His potion was in that room to his anxiety, excitement.”
This sentence makes no seance. I have ready it over a few times and am still not sure what your intended meaning was. Ether you have the wrong word ‘potion’ or its just not written clear enough. Explain it to me.
“searching for, hundreds of years,”
searching for, FOR hundreds of years… (the whole sentence that goes with that isn’t vary clear. I think you could clear it up and shorten it at the same time.)
“Koochy, koochy, coo. Koochy, koochy, coo.”
Okay, this just ruined the whole mood for me. Everything before is really sober and menacing. Koochy coo, is like something out of a child’s book, or a stupid funny story. You can keep it true to the feel with out losing the aura of foolishness by just saying…
“A woman obscured his view of the man as she went and tickled the bundle, while softly clucking under her breath.”
...or something like that.
”...the father said waving an arm at him and a wave of blue light came at him. Waving his staff…”
You use the same or a form of the same word three times in 2 sentences. It is extremely repetitive and detracts from the creativity for the story and the writing quality its self. Try to keep a look out for this in all our writing, sometimes all it takes is to take one word our, or just an exchange to fix the whole problem. (repetitive nouns and verbs are like poison to good writing…unless its a poem or something like that)
”...things are going to become worst than what they will be if you do not hand over the baby.””
Be careful, you seam to add more words to your sentences in an attempt to make things seam more poetic, but it doesn’t always work.
...”things are going to become worst if you do not hand over the baby.”
It says exactly the same thing just in fewer words.
“I believe that leaves us three?” Tavantgar said removing his robe revealing a thin robe that tailed the ground”
Try not to state the obvious in your dialog. For the last part I suggest changing it to something like this…(to again get rid of some of the repetition)
“Tavantgar said removing his outer robe to reveal a thinner one that tailed…”
I think if you use my advice you will make this piece allot clearer. There is one more thing I will ask though, and I ask this of my self every time I write. What is it about your story that is going to set it apart? Everyone writes about elves, magic, wizards and the like. What is something original you could throw in to really set it apart? What is the meaning behind it? These are things you need to figure out if you going to wright a really great story. There are just to many authors who are like carbon copy’s of each other in there writing. Strive to always be different, always pushing the boundaries. If you do that, despite all the mistakes you might make, no one will ever call you mediocre.
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