Wow, thank you for the compliments. I’m sure it’s not perfect, but of course it’s always nice to hear that someone likes it. Especially when so many people didn’t! :)
Short Story / After Life
“He’s dead.”
The doctor’s face was an ashen grey colour as he made the announcement.
The new widow’s cry of distress pierced the air. She looked at her husband, Flynn, lying on the bed in their home with no breath left in his lungs. Flynn looked at the woman he loved with unblinking eyes.
She was overwrought with grief and he stood up to comfort her. He was about to embrace Theoni when she turned away and buried her face in her hands. She didn’t see him.
“It’s me, Flynn,” he said, moving to stand in front of her. “I’m standing right here. Why can’t you see me?”
When Theoni looked up again, her eyes glazed over. Theoni wiped her eyes, turned around and walked away. She crossed the room to where Dr Roy was standing, packing his instruments into his bag. Flynn watched everything. He was confused. He ran to his wife in a panic.
“Theoni!” he screamed. “It’s me, Flynn! I’m right here!”
He was shouting frantically. He turned to the doctor in desperation.
“Why can’t you see me?” he asked Roy. “Look at me! I’m standing right here!”
He turned towards his wife again, clutching onto her in fear and confusion.
“I can’t believe Flynn’s dead,” Theoni whispered to herself.
Flynn’s jaw dropped as he slumped to the floor. He recalled the doctor’s pronouncement a moment ago.
‘It can’t be true,’ he thought. ‘It can’t be...’
He looked at his arms again. He touched his legs and feet. He prodded his stomach.
‘They said I am dead,’ he declared. ‘Is it true? How can I be thinking if I’m no longer alive? I don’t feel dead. I feel cold and thirsty. Can a dead person feel cold and thirsty?’
Theoni was escorting Roy out of the room and leading him to the front door. They were discussing funeral arrangements.
‘Something’s wrong,’ Flynn thought, starting to panic again. ‘I’m still here. I’m not dead. I must be having a nightmare. Or I’ve gone insane. If I’m dead, why haven’t I gone to the afterlife?’
~
Theoni sat alone in the kitchen, drinking a cup of camomile tea. She was waiting for the paramedics to arrive to take Flynn’s corpse to the morgue. Flynn say at the table next to her. He rested his hands on hers. She looked so sad and lonely that he desperately wanted to comfort her. He stood up and crossed the floor to kneel by his wife’s side. Then he planted a kiss on her withered cheek. Theoni shuddered. A cold shiver raced down her spine.
Theoni felt very cold. She didn’t like to be alone, especially not with a dead body in the house. She knew she would not be able to sleep in her own bed tonight. She could never sleep there again.
‘I’ll have to buy a new mattress and base,’ Theoni thought to herself as she made calculations in her head about how much it would cost.
Even though she was over forty, she felt like a child again – scared to go to bed on her own. She had already decided she would sleep on the couch.
She wasn’t sure if it was just her imagination, but she didn’t feel like she was alone. It felt as though someone was in the room with her.
‘Maybe it’s Flynn,’ she thought.
She shivered again.
“No, that’s just silly,” she said out loud to herself. “I don’t believe in ghosts.”
Flynn’s ears pricked. He wondered if she could feel him near her.
Theoni left the room. Flynn followed close behind. He found that she could move much more efficiently now than he could when he was alive. It was almost as though he could teleport himself. He could move to a certain place or area in the house simply by thinking about it. If he thought about standing in front of Theoni, he would find himself there, no matter where she was.
Flynn stayed with his wife all night. He was still there when the paramedics came with a stretcher to take his body away. It was an awkward moment for him.
“There I am, lying on the stretcher,” he said. “But here I am standing beside my wife. Which is the real me? It even feels as though I am still breathing. I feel light. I feel alive.”
Flynn flitted between the sitting room and the kitchen, between his wife and the paramedics. He was restless. Now that no one could see or touch him, Flynn craved attention desperately. He wished he could make Theoni see him that he had not really gone away. He wished she could hear him. Then he wondered if he was cursed.
‘Why haven’t I made the transition to the afterlife?’ he asked himself. ‘Am I cursed? Is this purgatory?’
Thoughts of eternal punishment and images of everlasting damnation in the fiery pits of hell whirled in his mind. Feeling immensely afraid of the unknown, he trembled worriedly. Then ran to his wife for comfort.
Through the course of the night, Flynn discovered by accident that if he concentrated really hard he could move objects. It was slow at first, but he made progress quickly. He marvelled at his newfound power of telekinesis.
Theoni and Flynn were in the kitchen again. Flynn was standing beside the kitchen counter, leaning on it with one hand. He drummed irritably. Then he caught sight of the bunch of keys on the kitchen counter. Theoni was sitting at the table, nursing another cup of tea. She cupped her head in her hands as he elbows rested on the cold, hard wood of the table. He looked at his wife, then returned his gaze to the set of keys.
‘If I can make the keys move,’ he thought, ‘I’d be one step closer to making Theoni know I’m still here.’
Flynn stared at the brass keys lying in the circular wooden bowl where his wife always left them. He studied their cuts and grooves. He peered at the heart-shaped key-ring that was made out of bright red beads. He willed the keys to climb out of the bowl and move to the edge of the counter. He wanted them to fall off and make a noise. He wanted to be acknowledged and noticed.
Staring intently, the bunch of keys inched to the right. They moved slowly at first, as Flynn intensified his concentration. Deep in concentration, his brow furrowed. It felt as though his eyes were going to bulge out of his head if he stared at the keys any harder.
Flynn heaved and panted with effort. Ever so slowly, the keys lifted slightly and hovered above the wooden bowl. His’s eyes widened in excitement, but as he did so he lost his concentration. The keys dropped back into the bowl. Clunk!
Theoni, lost in her thoughts, was brought back to reality by the sound. She turned her head to where the noise had come from, then looked at the kitchen door.
‘Maybe something fell down outside,’ she thought. ‘Even so, it isn’t a windy evening...’
Unconcerned, she went back to drinking her tea. Flynn was disappointed, but felt determined to show her that he was still alive. With renewed strength, he peered at the keys. He had lifted them with the power of his mind once. He could do it again.
Flynn gazed at the bunch of keys. The entanglement of brass, metal and wire looked like an avant-garde sculpture. It reminded him of the time he and his wife had visited the Tate Modern in London.
The recollection made him sad; he desperately wished he could make more memories with his beloved wife. He wanted her to see him, feel him and touch him, just as he wanted to do those things to her. Flynn wanted to stroke Theoni’s long, soft hair. He wanted to stare deeply into her chocolate brown eyes. He wanted to feel her warm body pressed against his own. He wanted to...
With renewed vigour, Flynn turned his attention to the keys once again.
“I am going to do this,” he stated.
He stared at the keys. Gawking and focusing, he lifted the bunch slowly. It lifted higher and higher until it was levitating more than ten centimetres above the bowl. Flynn was immensely proud of himself. With the power of his thoughts, he pulled the keys in his direction. They move slowly; it was a massive strain. Unexpectedly, Flynn lost concentration again and the keys crashed to the floor.
Theoni shot up from her seat in fright. She yelped. Her heart galloped in her chest. In sharp contrast, Flynn was ecstatic. He raced over to his wife joyously.
“I did it!” he cried. “I did it, Theoni! I moved the keys!”
But Theoni didn’t share his enthusiasm. She was spooked. She bent down and stared at the keys as intently as Flynn had done a few moments earlier. She shut her eyes tightly. Maybe she had just imagined it. Maybe the keys were still in the bowl on the kitchen counter where she was sure she had left them.
She opened her eyes slowly. The keys were on the floor. Flynn, taking full advantage of the opportunity, hauled them across the room. Theoni shrieked as she jumped up in fright. Panicked, she ran out of the room. Flynn rushed after her.
In the sitting room, Theoni grabbed her cell phone and pressed dial.
The phone rang for a few moments before Wesley answered the call. It was early in the morning and he had been sleeping.
“Wesley!” Theoni screamed in terror. “Wesley, he’s dead!”
“What?” Wesley questioned. “Who?”
His voice was hoarse and garbled.
“Flynn,” Theoni explained. “Your brother died at six ‘o clock this evening. I’m so scared, Wesley, I’m so afraid... I don’t know what to do...”
“Why didn’t you call me earlier?” Wesley questioned, finally understanding what was going on. “Do you want me to come over?”
As Wesley reassured Theoni and tried to calm her down, Flynn’s ears pricked. Wesley? Why had Theoni called Wesley? He hadn’t spoken to his younger brother in over ten years.
“Yes, please, come now,” Theoni was pleading. “I think Flynn’s haunting me. I think he’s here. I think he knows! Oh, God, Wesley, he knows!”
“Calm down,” Wesley said. “You’re just imagining things. Flynn’s dead. He can’t possibly know.”
Flynn’s ears pricked again. ‘Knows what?’ he thought. He peered at his wife curiously.
Flynn was still trying to figure out why Theoni was speaking to his estranged brother when he heard her say, “I’m convinced he knows that I poisoned him and now he’s haunting me!”
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stickvaughn reviewed Version 3 -
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Fun story. You’ve got good pacing and Flynn’s progression through various problems feels right. Here are my thoughts in the order I had them as I read through for the fist time.
-—---—---—---—--
“He’s dead.”—It gets the readers attention for sure, but it seems a harsh way to speak to a new widow. Wouldn’t a doctor try to soften that blow a little? ”He’s gone,” or just “I’m sorry” and a shake of his head?
“He was about to embrace”—This line sounds like the Dr. is going to embrace the widow (since we assume Flynn can’t do anything at this point).
“Flynn watched everything.”—Tricky moment here as you’re revealing your “gimmick.” It’s here that you have to convince us to believe in something we’ve never experienced before, so the internal logic of the story has to make perfect sense. There are a few questions that are keeping me from getting into the story here: Flynn heard the Dr. say “He’s dead.” Who did he think he was talking about? Can’t Flynn see his own body lying on the bed? His panic at not being heard or seen was convincing. However, seeing your own dead body would be such an overwhelming experience. His reaction to that should be bigger (and occur sooner) than his frustration at not being heard.
“a dead body”—Seems odd that she would refer to her husband this way if she was so upset a moment ago. I like that she decides she can’t sleep there, though. (Note: after finishing the story, this reaction made more sense to me. It’s always going to seem odd to the reader on the first read, though.)
“Theoni felt very cold. She didn’t like to be alone” -- Most of the story is told from the point of view of Flynn, except for a couple moments in Theoni’s. I think you should pick one--probably Flynn’s. (Flynn wouldn’t know that Theoni felt cold or lonely here. He could only watch her put on a shawl and stare into space.)
“Flynn craved attention desperately”—Cool. I like that.
“brass keys”—I don’t remember him trying and failing to pick something up earlier. How does he know he can’t pick up the keys? And another bit of internal logic to watch out for: If he does pass through solid objects, how can he lean on the counter and drum on it?
The keys quivering in the bowl is a creepy image. I like it.
“Theoni shot up”—did she spill her tea?
“he knows that I poisoned him”—Okay, I like surprise endings. BUT, Theoni wouldn’t say this to Wesley if he already knows it. At this point, we’ve already guessed that she did something Flynn wouldn’t like and that Wesley is in on it. Something more subtle would feel better. Have Flynn find the bottle of poison, maybe. Or just end with “He knows, and now he’s haunting me!” Then let the reader guess what she did. (That would be fun.)
-—---—---—---—--
The trick to a good ghost story, I think, is establishing the “rules” early on, and then not breaking them. People are cynical these days, but if you can work out all those little logical issues, you’ll have a world that people will WANT to buy into, and a very poignant story. Nice job, and thanks for posting it.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 3 -
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WOW….I hate giving positive reviews…but hey…perfect work is perfect work. I really like the sick twist…I didnt know this was a short story so the ending caught me off guard. I just found myself laughing and how you didnt allow us to see his reaction. Maybe he broke down crying or got angry. Overall I was able to follow this clearly and understand who was talking and who’s POV I was witnessing.
jakuper reviewed Version 2 -
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Could you begin with “He’s dead” and then put the sentence about the doctor saying it?
he hadn’t registered that he was dead.—I think it’s wrong. It should be “it didn’t register with him..”
His invisible hands and arms seemed to sink into her skin—hands are not invisible, not for him. And something invisible to all couldn’t sink into skin. Find another words or delete at all.
He waves his hand in the air, then in fort of Theoni’s —He waved… then in front…
He felt a tug at his heartstrings when his wide cried—his wife
Wow, what an ending. I laughed so much.
It’as a great story and I don’t think you should change much. It’s good in plot, speed, characters.
It’s good, period.
AnimusLight reviewed Version 2 -
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I personally feel that swapping the first two sentences around may yield a better hook into the story.
“He was a ghost, but he hadn’t…” Erase the entire sentence. The audience doesn’t need to be told what’s going on.
I have a hard time really relating to Flynn. I think he talks too much. Perhaps narrating his turmoil would be a more effective approach.
“He had come to terms that she could not see him”.. A whole new sentence, in this particular structure, gives the read a very stagnant feel. Just attach it to the previous sentence by removing the subject and adding a tense qualifier.
“She suddenly felt very cold” A few moments ago, we were just being narrated through Flynn’s third-person perspective. While the perspective is called “third-person omniscient” in some cases, you still need to make the transition much more natural so it’s not as jarring. It’s like if in a movie, we had the camera hovering over one person’s shoulder, and then it suddenly swung across the room to another person’s. A bit disorienting.
“He felt a tug at his heartstrings…” The entire paragraph is formatted the same way. ”He” this and “he” that. It reads a lot like, “See Spot. See Spot run. Run, Spot run.” Too simplistic. Make the narration an art. Play around with the sounds. The next paragraph is just as bad.
During the keys scene, I’d like to see more of the strain and effort in trying to move the keys, rather than a simple description of what he was “willing.” Also, my first reaction when my keys (or anything) drops to the ground is that I had put them in a precarious position. I wouldn’t get scared initially at all. Most people wouldn’t. Even in the wake of a death.
How did Flynn cause the keys to fly across the room when, just a moment ago, he was super concentrated on just getitng them to fall off the table?
The end is definitely a surprise, but there wasn’t a build up to it at all and.. I don’t know. I don’t feel like the story’s ended or that anything I read before the end was really valuable to the ending at all. I’m not sure what you’re trying to say with this story. It’s a good start, but it needs a lot of work.
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