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Poetry / Wedding Day
A ring is just a piece of jewellery
Promising nothing, least of all eternity
A wedding is just a day
Full of diamonds, gold and decay.
She wore a diamond engagement ring
A circle around her finger
Until it manifested into circles under her eyes.
They mirrored the grey smoke rings
He breathed out of his mouth.
Dark discs of death and despise.
A dress, a tuxedo – these are just material things…
She raised an exquisitely manicured nail
To scratch her perfectly plucked eyebrow
As pale as a porcelain doll,
She is a mannequin now.
Her talents and skills will all go to waste
As she cooks and cleans like a good little wife
She’ll collect dust on her husband’s mantelpiece
For the rest of her life.
No one celebrated holy matrimony that day
No one laughed, cheered or cried
They were all rigid with shock in their own silent way
As they watched a man lead his daughter
Like a lamb to slaughter
And the confetti sliced through the air
As sunlight stuck to her hair
What a ridiculous sight
All eyes on her swollen belly
All eyes averted from his hollow stare
His empty, rotten glare
Sympathy for their worthless plight
And the poor, innocent child trapped there.
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marthib911 reviewed Version 2 -
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I enjoyed reading this poem. You have a great use of imagery in this that enables the reader to visualize each line. There is a sense of both the happiness that should be for a wedding to the realization of what actually happens after all the cake and flowers are gone.
As I read it, I was under the impression you had negative impressions of a wedding. But as I read it to the end, I came to realize what was actually happening. I thought it was a great twist to the poem.
The last two lines was interesting to me…” Sympathy for their worthless plight, And the poor, innocent child trapped there.” I thought that summed up the poem most of all. The bond of matrimony was not entirely out of love, but out of necessity because now a child was involved.
So again, I enjoyed this poem. I am new to the reviewing of others work so there may not be a lot of critiquing on punctuation or grammer or other poetic vises. So bear with me as I learn.
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lovelee1313 reviewed Version 2 -
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I absolutely loved this. Clear, strong, raw! The contrast of the wedding day and the couple was beautiful & the imagery was thought provoking.
isntlifejuicy reviewed Version 1 -
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First this needs to be broken up into verses. It would improve the fluency and be more engaging to the readers’ eyes.
The rhyming is spaced out nicely, which is nice, as rhyming poems generally lack depth/real creativity. This actually conveyed a lot emotion and is very relatable. I have a couple friends in the situation you’ve described, such a delicate thing.
I really liked “as sunlight stuck to here hair.” It reminds me of all the hairspray my sister layered on her ‘do at her wedding.
Anyways, I enjoyed it. But break it up into stanzas!
KidTruth reviewed Version 1 -
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Good deal. I’m pretty tough on poetry and this is my favorite poem this morning at least. For what it’s worth I’m a published novelist with a B.A. in English.
This is pretty good. You’ve got a few good rhythms as well as rhymes and aside from the kinda childishly dark viewpoint you’re on to something.
“And the confetti sliced through the air
As sunlight stuck to her hair” – I like this a lot. Very cool rhythm, one line kinda rolls into the other.
“Full of diamonds and gold and decay” – this is good as well, if only because ‘decay’ is placed at the end of the line but also changes the kind of poem that it is going to be. You kinda stop and think, “Okay, this isn’t some newlywed espousing (hah! pun) the merits of being married.”
The rhyme scheme is involved enough to not be too sing-songy.
The pregnancy at the end is an interesting addition, but what keeps this from being publishable or professional is mainly the viewpoint, in my opinion. If you look at really good poets, they are noticing something or bringing a new point of reference to a common event. To some degree you are doing this, except in an overly simple way. You are saying “Weddings suck and are bad.”
Instead maybe think about taking a more neutral view and using that initial shock that (right now) begins with that word “decay” and shifting that moment to near the middle or end of the poem. Describe the wedding but let the fact that the woman is pregnant cast the shadow over the poem, don’t be so heavy on your point of view.
If you look at someone like Dickinson, who writes about the fly on the wall – that’s an example of insightful poetry. She’s writing about death in that the poem takes place with an old lady on her deathbed, but she comments on the futility of life not by saying “life is futile, it sucks” but by writing about an annoying fly that’s buzzing around the room while this lady dies. That’s an example of a creative viewpoint brought to a poem.
jadedpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi there,
Awesome piece! I wasn’t quite sure where this was headed. I tend to read poetry slowly, absorbing and feeling each written line, collecting their emotions and visuals. So, here i am reading what starts out as a wedding poem, as I think, how cute. You have painted such clarity and great visuals combined with perfect flow. The lines of the groom morphing (for HIS world is ever changed, right) into the black smoke rings, for he must try to relax somehow, why not cancer? How you have genius tied the brides ring into the darkened rings of overstress, over thinking into her facial features, loved it! My fav line has to be “As sunlight stuck to her hair”. Of course, on bridal day there is enough hair spray for anything to stick to it, flying birds, etc. Very clever. You have minimalzed the clothing, as they truly are, though so much ridiculous thought goes into them. I like your line also of the confetti ‘slicing’ through the air, lovely touch. Ah, ha, here we are given the drive behind this day of masquerade, a new baby already on the way, and “all eyes on her swollen belly”. You my dear are a great writer. me…
Iceman reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m going to be short and sweet with this one because I think the poem reads rather well. I noticed in another review some comment about the lack of punctuation. I agree with the comment that punctuation could make the lines pop a little more. I was going to correct your spelling until I researched it and found that your spelling is a British spelling, so I stand corrected on that point before I ever made it. However, there are some other areas which I think could be reworded for better effect/affect.
Line 2: I think that the word “not” should be dropped. It is unnecessary, and, since you are not really tied to a syllable count in this poem, nothing would be lost by dropping it.
Line 10: The repetition of “dark” in “darkness” I think kills the dynamic. Perhaps another word will suffice. I realize there is some alliteration being played with here, so maybe another “d” word can be found. Some words I would suggest, though I’m certain you can find your own: damnation; despair, destruction; deconstruction; deprivation; death; detriment; etc. Or, you could break from the alliteration a bit since you already have it in “dark” and “despise.”
On a final note, I think that the following lines, esepcially coupled together, are wonderful:
“And the confetti sliced through the air
As sunlight stuck to her hair”
These lines describe the beauty and decadence of a ceremony, but the words “sliced” and “stuck” stand in great contrast, which is relevant to the entire piece.
So, my general comment is simple: get out your thesaurus and reexamine your word choices. You may find other options to lend greater dynamics to the piece.
GreenIguana reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, South African society must be conservative! People get married when they’re pregnant all the time in the U.S.! Many people here have children without being married. Frankly the poem seems to me like it was written 50 years ago.
Having said that I think you have a talent for rhyme and description. A few suggestions: “manifested” and “morphing” don’t make sense and those words are cumbersome. I think “mirroring” would be better. What you are saying is that the images are all of rings/circles. They don’t actually “morph” into each other, rather, they reflect each others’ similar shapes.
I’m having a hard time visualizing someone breathing out “bags.”
“worthless” plight…a plight is a tragedy or a pitiful sight. The word “worthless” implies “contemptible” or “fake” which does not go with tragedy or pity. Do you mean the marriage is worthless? This needs to be rephrased.
CraziChick reviewed Version 1 -
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4th line is a little bulky, maybe take out an ‘and’ and use a comma
the rhyme flows well, and most things rhyme with ‘there’
malevolent reviewed Version 1 -
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very good piece. It really picked up and flowed very, especially from L12 on. I feel, actually my respiratory system feels, that either the lines need to be broken up or punctuation inserted. Example: L2, eternity should be emphasized. As it is written the words mush together, while the reader needs a breath between them. L6 is good as is L7, just not so close. There needs to be something to separate the specific imagery of eyes, rings, smoke, darkness, from the other imagery. A line break would accomplish that, if not, you need to add periods to end specific thoughts for easier transition. Thanks for the post, I will look forward to more of your work.
dragonbite reviewed Version 1 -
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Im going to put lines up and my suggestions of what you could do to enhance them.
A ring is just a piece of jewellery—- The “A” part seems to be taking awayt he poetic flow of the line. Maybe The ring becomes a piece of ….
Full of diamonds and gold and decay—- take out the first “and” place a comma.
Until it manifested into circles under her eyes—-Great imagery!
Dark bags of darkness and despise——it needs to change one of the dark, or darkness words. It doesnt sound right.
And the confetti sliced through the air—-EXCELLENT it really stands out and keeps the mood of the piece flowing.
What a ridiculous sight
All eyes on her swollen belly
All eyes averted from his hollow stare
His empty, rotten glare
Sympathy for their worthless plight
And the poor, innocent child trapped there.-—---—-----
This is a great set of lines…It took me by surpise with your writing. You took an idea that is common and made it your own with really good writing. Dont change a thing at the end its perfect. THe begining of the poem as you started to find your way into it needs to be juiced up a bit to capture the reader with and hold them through to the end. Again I thought that the ending is perfect.
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