Thank you. I hesitate to change much since I had a friend write it out in calligraphy and had it matted and framed. I hangs above her desk.
Poetry / To My Wife of 43 Years (Analysis)
To my wife of 43 years.
She was a city girl and I a small town boy.
What did we have in common?
(Her hair was auburn red, like the very last touch of sunset.)
She played the violin and I played football.
What did we have in common?
(Her eyes were blue, but dark as midnight.)
Her father was an engineer and mine a roofer.
What did we have in common?
(Her freckles danced and swirled and danced again.)
She came to school to learn I came to play.
What did we have in common?
(Her dimples drew the eye as a magnet draws iron.)
We met by chance at a dance I hadn’t wanted to attend.
What did we have in common?
(Her smile lit the room and I was taken.)
When bodies come together there’s a flash.
When souls embrace, the light outshines the sun.
What did we have in common?
Not a single thing.
No.
Not a single thing.
August 2007
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icomeanon reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a good poem. The construction is rhythmic, like the beating of a hammer on hot steel. I would suggest a comma in the first line of your fourth stanza, however. Grammatically, it doesn’t matter what you do in a poem, but I think the comma would be good for the rhythm you’ve developed. It keeps it structured to some extent.
My other suggestion is that you move the last line of the third stanza to the last line of the fifth stanza. I think they got together a little better.
Otherwise I think it is beautifully written poem.
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jokaking reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this one because of the “what we had in common” phrases followed by nothing seeming to math then at the end you put “not a thing” which put everything in perspective… and also the parenthesis statements are nice since they assumingly show the reader what drew you to her despite your differences… overall its very well thought out and written, the only change I would make is to change came to went since you’re referring to the past throughout the whole poem… peace to you and keep writing
Rylan reviewed Version 1 -
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Very heartfelt and well written. The use of the parenthetical follow-ups really impacts the reader. I think that, for poetry’s sake, the piece may benefit from adding more consistent imagery so that you have more syllables to work with, for reasons that will help your “flow” and also round out the romantic feel to it. Still very well done. I’m adding this to my favorites.
Blacktigre reviewed Version 1 -
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wow. At first I was a bit iffy on the parenthesis formatting but after reading it a couple times It started to grow on me. Im wondering if you could get the same effect without them though. I liked that the parenthesized parts tended to be more vibrant and visual than the other parts of each stanza. The piece really embodies the idea that you don’t need to be similar to who you fall in love with. wonderful job from what seems to be a seasoned poet
Lalifufu reviewed Version 1 -
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This is definitely one of the best poems I’ve read on Urbis. I really enjoyed it. I loved the way you juxtaposed all your differences and described your wife in the brackets.
The rhyme in the 5th stanza through me off a bit. Everything up until there was free verse and a lot of repetition, which I think worked well in this instance. Maybe you should omit the ‘by chance’ so that the whole line doesn’t rhyme. The by chance part is somewhat implied, seeing as you didn’t want to attend the event.
My favourite line was ‘When souls embrace…’ That’s beautiful! But I’d break up the last few lines of your poem to keep with the flow you’ve got going. Perhaps Line 18 should be a new stanza. Line 16 and 17 go nicely together, and I’d bring the last line up to Line 20 so that it reads: ‘No. Not a single thing’ and end it there.
I’m glad you didn’t do something cheesy with the ending like saying ‘We have our shared love in common’ or something like that, but I must say I was expecting something more. I’m not sure what exactly, but maybe you could say ‘Not a single thing / No. Not a single thing. Except a marriage of 43 years’? Although.. that is in the title.. I don’t know. I’m sure you can come up with something much better, or leave it as it is.
It’s a beautiful poem – definitely a favourite!
PoeticMisconceptions reviewed Version 1 -
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Ooohh. I like the ending.
Im starting to see you have a thing for repitition, lol.
I like the way it flows,and I was starting to get used to the free verse just as you threw this in:
‘We met by chance at a dance I hadn’t wanted to attend’
After that, I was looking for another rhyme. Rhymes tend to put emphasis in a free verse poem, tend to make the reader slow down, spead up, read again. It just depends on how you use it.
But since you are using that repetitive pattern, Im guessing you didnt want that sentence to stick out nearly as much as it did in my mind. If you are to have a rhyme in this poem, I suggest the ending or not at all.
I just cannot get over how lucky your wife is.
Wow.
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