A nirvana of seeds, all with exotic deeds,
Transforming dreams into a muse's wings.
Shapes of every color and texture of every twist,
To all it is hard to resist.
Flowers shackled to the soil with no escape,
The breeze mislaying tranquility in its wake, leaves
Drooping,
Snooping,
Drooping,
Quietly they go about trooping.
Grasses grow green as hummingbirds sing,
Their combination stumping the unease paradise brings.
Clovers surround a caterpillar's lounge,
Their green town teetering as he
Munches,
Crunches,
Munches,
On his lunch.
Birds swooping down without a sound,
The caterpilliar was never again found.
To all it is too hard to resist,
But as we remain transfixed, the sun
Shines,
Blinds,
Shines.
Mice confined,
We resign.
..... Never to look up in fear of what we might find.
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I’m not going to pretend I get this at all, I’ll have to read it a couple times and not be sick lol
however, I noticed you’re into dirty pretty, that adds to this poem which surprised me because I normally don’t like dirty pretty. ^^
I love the beginning. <3
‘flowers shackled to the soil with no escape’ is brilliant, keep up the good work love. :)
Ironically, I deem the title of this too ambiguous, and don’t really see it’s correlation to your poem.
In the first line of S1, I don’t really understand “nirvana of seeds.” What does this mean? ”Nirvana” generally implies a tranquil state or heaven. Maybe something like “fortune” would be more applicable, as it still leaves room for intepretation. ”To all it is hard to resist” would be more fluent if you added a couple syllables. Maybe something like “after all transformance / is hard to resist,” which also allows for multiple interpretation.
In S2, “excape” should be “escape.” But this line sounds somewhat forced. We know flowers are rooted into soil. Poetry is often best when describing from a fresh perspective rather than retelling conventionally (which you demonstrated effectively with “caterpiller’s lounge” and “green town teetering”). Maybe something like “flowers roots stretched like/stationary straws.” That was a poor example, but I hope you see where I’m going. L2 of S2 I think would be much more effective simply as “The breezes leaves soft,” or something similar, to utilize the multiple definitions of “leaves.” I don’t understand “combination stumping the unease it brings.” It seems forced.
While I’m a huge fan of scattered and irregular linebreaks, I don’t really understand the intent of the dropped verbs throughout your poem.
In S3 L2-5, the verbs and subject don’t match. It should be “he munches/ crunches/ munches.” It also abruptly jumps from a caterpiller eating to a “swooping” butterfly. Maybe another line depicting the transition may add fluency.
I love the rhyming of “resist” and “transfixed.” But what is hard to resist? And who is “all.” This line is too vague for the rest of the poem. And “mice confined” is equally, if not more confusing.
I think the ending verse wraps up nicely, but your ellipses seems unnecessary and distracting.
Anyways, I did enjoy your poem, and I think with a bit of improvising, it will be great! Good luck, hope this helped some!
Brilliance. Every line you write, that I understand, seems perfection…
Though there are some I feel aren’t quite clear….
“Combination stumping the unease it brings.”
and
“Munch,
Crunch,
Munch,
On his lunch.”
I think you could Improve on that a bit, give us a pow at every single line, instead of just almost..I understand the rest, and the more I read over it, the better it seems to be.
Oh my god. That was amazing! It was peaceful and soothing and made you wanna read it again. Simply beautiful.
I loved how you did the whole “Drooping, Snooping, Drooping…” in the diagonal and repeating the first verb. It set a picture in my mind and again it was so peaceful I just wanted to smile :)
But it was also deep and passionate. Like the ending, the last two lines had so much meaning and it leaves you thinking. If I’ve learned anything I think there are only a few ways to know if you’ve read something good. And when something leaves you thinking then it’s definatly good, especially when it brings peace with it.
Ahh there’s so much to say. To put it all simply, it’s the most amazing I’ve read. How’s that? lol
Well, quite a piece. Lou Carroll would be proud. The caterpillar has always been one of my favorite characters from Alice in Wonderland. I see,s he ate the side of the mushroom which made him much smaller. So small he disappeared.
I like the triplets in every other verse too. Did you mean to add the “ed” on the second “munch?” Ii think it is better without it.
At the end you use “we resign” but then finish with “—-what one might find.” Seems too me you need the plural “we” there too.
Good work, with a little polish a very good work.
I liked the way this poem flowed the most. I also liked the format. The way the words went in a row added more to the piece. It made me want to read it and also in a way helpped me understand it.
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