Poetry / Critical Opinions (Analysis)

Typos (I think):
1. blackened hues OF ink
2. the MERE pleasure of
3. I would spell “thru” as “through.” It’s a bit too informal when you don’t spell the whole thing, and it makes me think of direction and navigation; in other words, it detracts from your piece.

Questionable Word Choice:
1. Line 2, “hardened” – You can’t tread hardened.
2. Line 4, “shrubs of green” – Shrubs are obviously green. If you are to describe the shrubs, do it in a different way.
3. Lines 7 & 8, “tracing” and “elegant swans” – I don’t like the usage of the verb “tracing” where it is; it feels like you’re trying too hard to come up with creative ways to say what you want to say. And the elegant swans thing… same thing as the shrubbery. Swans have been described as elegant a thousand times over. Find another way to describe them.
4. Line 11, “blackened hues of ink” – Ink isn’t really something that can be blackened… if it’s black, it’s just flat-out black. I would delete that part altogether, or describe the ink differently if you so desire.
5. Lines 12 & 13, “images of thought, etc.” – Thoughts, sensations, emotions don’t really have images. Instead I would just say invoking thoughts, images, sensations, emotions, etc.

You have some nice imagery. I love the quills of the wings part especially, and the blossoms of desires. However the poem doesn’t flow as a whole. I get that you’re trying to describe the writing process, and then the effect of others’ opinions on your writing, but the transition from describing writing to the opinion part is very choppy. Maybe do something like, write about how much you love writing, how good it makes you feel, how much you love a certain piece, and then how others’ opinion sometimes bring you straight down? Also, I had to read that latter part, the part about criticism, a few times to understand what you were trying to say.

So overall, work on making it flow, work a little more on descriptive words, and this could be something really nice. It’s pretty nice as it is.

I like your interesting speeling of the word “thru” i feel that it lends the text some nice and well deserved originality.  

Interesting use of the conjunction if. Again this lends originality to your piece, it’s as if you are writing in a fantastical language, of your own creation.

An ecclectic lexical field adds to this, you start with physical if metaphorical things such as paths, shrubs and ink. Then move on to emotions and personal interactions, pleasure, despair and sensations. This contrast from the start and end of the text is enticing and encdearing  

On the whole i like it, i think it could be improved however by increasing its length and giving it a proper structure or perhaps an unconventional one.

Keep writing, this is good.

Paint a portrait my friend. I felt like i was with you walking through the woods with a shamen of ancient times. Simple yet elegant and powerful.

What a clever way to describe the review process.  It even seems to be from both sides, the reviewer and  the reviewed.  

One minor thing, I think you meant “mere pleasure,” not “mire pleasure.”  Also, as lone as I am being critical, I think you should use “through” rather than
“thru.”  I know ‘thru” is a word, but it is sub-standard and the rest of your language is spot on.

I liked the “quills of wings from elegant swans” line maybe the best.  The ending is good but I wonder if you can find some word other than “misguided?”  Somehow that word didn’t work for me.

Still, again, a clever piece.  Write on.

This ia a very visual and elegantly written piece with nearly zero flaws.  Congratulations.

some softly, others hardened…I would switch hardened to hard.

thru shrubs of green…excellent use of color, better written as an adjective before green to give it texture.

blossoms of your desires…consider changing your to describe the overall importance of that desire.

quills of wings…very intelligent.

thru blackened hues if ink…typo? of ink

favorite or preferred style,...very good, it makes the reader think of their actions, especially here on Urbis.

bringing despair to others…excellent!

Very nicely put.  I would like to give you a 10 but I think once you evaluate the suggestions you receive, the piece will evolve.  Thank you for the opportunity.  P.S. You may want to eliminate some of the ranking criteria and pick one or two which are most important to you.

The biggest mistakes preventing this poem from being published is the fact that there are spelling errors and because it’s quite vague.

‘Thru’ is not a word in English and a literature magazine will tell you so. Also, in your line “thru blackened hues if ink” do you mean ‘of ink’?

Having said that, I liked the concept of your poem and the idea behind it. However, I think you can be a bit more clear, concise, coherent and descriptive in your writing. “Quills of wings” was a bit awkward, I would change it to ‘Quills from the wings of…’ or something to that extent. They way you have written it, the meaning is unclear.

It may help to use a bit more punctuation in your poem and also to break it up into stanzas. I’m also not a big fan of punctuated poetry (and often don’t use it myself) but it does help the reader to understand and engage in your poem. Stanzas also serve this purpose.

the first four lines sre so beautifully scripted, the imagry lovely, however it is this line that throws me off: “blossoms of your desires”  This is an implicit description(metaphoric ) while the rest are concrete images, the path, the greenery, shrubs. I think the insertion of “your” makes it ambiguous. I don’t see how she fits in with shrubbry even metaphorically.

Flowers, blossom like your desires. This is an example of how you could connect ‘her” to the lovely metaphorical images you have created here.

Ex 2 tracing forward with quils of wings”  I might take this out and go to the next line. it doesn’t seem to fit with the other images. If you should choose to change images, you could do it in Stanza’s of 4 or whatever you think works best. I am not knocking this lovely piece,i just think it needs restructured  to where the images  compliment each other. I hope i have helped and i wish you good luck. Sandi